Belle quotes from Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Oh, but what do you do for a living?

Belle

In this dress, no one will care.

Belle

[answering phone] Hello?

Stephanie

Do you do girls?

Belle

[laughs]

Stephanie

It says here, "Yes" to anal, GFE, school uniform. "No" to scats, stags and water sports. You've got nothing against girls.

Stephanie

No need to be nervous. Just gonna ask you a couple of questions. First of all, A-levels?

Belle

Uh, yeah. History, English, Politics and General Studies.

Stephanie

No. I mean, do you do anal?

Belle

And what do you think you bring to a client's experience?

12 inches.

Bambi

I wanna be called... Bambi. Cos that's what people used to call me in school.

Belle

Bambi. Right, because you're quite... doe-eyed?

Bambi

No, it's cos my mum got shot.

Belle

[shocked] Oh, my God. I'm— I'm so sorry—

Bambi

No, I'm only joking. [laughs]

Bambi

I've got a little friend come to stay.

Belle

Who?

Bambi

Aunty Flo.

Belle

Bambi, have you taken something?

Bambi

What? No. I... I've got the painters in.

Bambi

Bloody hell, babes, you look like a transvestite.

Belle

Thanks, Bambi.

Ben

A pretty one.

Bambi

Yeah.

Belle

Yeah, thanks for your support.

Belle

Do you ever feel like you've bitten off more than you can chew?

All the time.

Belle

Yeah? What you do about it?

Well, either spit it out or... swallow.

Duncan

[reading a print draft of Belle's next book] This third paragraph is lovely.

Belle

People don't normally think of sucking cock as lovely.

Duncan

I do.

Belle

And the shoes? Do you like these?

Duncan

Yeah, they're great. Very, erm...

Belle

Fuckable?

Duncan

I was gonna say vintage.

Belle

Say we meet after work, and you say, "How was your day, darling?" And I'm like, "Yeah, it was fine, I had sex with this guy. It was nothing. How was yours?"

Duncan

Well, if I've been with a guy, then I'll tell you.

Belle

I've slept with 1,036 men.

Duncan

No, I can't top that.

Duncan

So this bar is full of escorts.

Belle

Well, I don't know about full, but yeah.

Duncan

Go on, then. Where?

Belle

Oh, you wanna play Guess the Escort?

I haven't been completely straight with you. I'm not really a virgin.

Belle

Right.

Well, I am... but I'm not. But...

Belle

But...

The thing is... Oh, it's silly, really. Do you know Katy Perry?

Belle

Yeah, yeah. "I kissed a girl and..." Oh, you... kissed a girl and you... liked it?

Yeah. Which was a bit of a surprise because I'm gay. So it caught me unawares, so to speak.

Belle

Hang on, you're gay? [laughs] You're gay! That's why—

It didn't work. Exactly! I didn't want it to work. That's why I came 'round, to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong.

Belle

Thanks! Of course! [sighs with relief] Oh, that feels good.

Do you charge more?

Belle

What?

For the gross stuff. Blowjobs... anal, golden showers.

The truth is, I had heard you were good. Your reputation precedes you.

Belle

I suppose we should've just... sorted this out in the beginning, instead of letting things drag on.

Speaking of which, there's a human rights lawyer shackled to my boiler. I suppose I should go and release him.

Belle

[laughs] Yeah, exactly. [realises Charlotte is serious] Oh, you... OK. Sorry.