Saturday Night Live Season 1 quotes

That's not what you thought I was gonna say, was it? All right, well, let me tell you the origin story of the phrase you thought I was going to say. This is titled The Right Bar at the Right Time. It's 1992, I'm in Austin, Texas, in college, not even thinking about being an actor at this point. I go to this bar where I get introduced to this producer. This producer and I started talking, and four hours later, we get kicked out of so said bar. On the taxi ride home, he says, "hey, McConaughey, you ever done any acting?" I said, "well, no, not really." He says, "well, I'm doing this movie, and you might be right for this part."

Well, sure enough, I wake up the next morning, I go pick up the script, it's called Dazed and Confused. My character, David Wooderson, he has three lines in the entire film. Alright, but one of those lines is what I like to call a launchpad line. Know what I mean by that? A launchpad line is a line that, if the character really believes it, then I could feel like I could write a whole book on this character, alright? The scene goes like this. Wooderson's hanging out at a pool hall with some buddies, and some girls walk by, he smacks one of 'em on the ass, and his buddy says, "man, you're gonna go to jail for that, Woodman." And Wooderson says, "Naw. That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age."

So I get called into this wardrobe-makeup test on the set, right? I'm not supposed to work, but I get called in for it. The director comes up to me, Richard Linklater. He says, "oh my God, you look great, man. This is Wooderson, this is exactly who I hoped you'd be." He says, "listen, you know, we're doing this drive-thru scene tonight, and I know you're not supposed to work, but you think Wooderson might be picking up on the red-headed intellectual? You know, he's already been with the cheerleaders and the typically hot girls; what about the red-headed intellectual?" I said, "sure, he would, man. Wooderson loves all kinds of women." He goes, "hey, you wanna shoot it?"

Next thing I know, I'm in a car getting ready to shoot my very first scene in my film acting career, unscripted. Am I nervous? You're damn right, I'm nervous. So I started thinking, I said, who is Wooderson? Who's my man, what's he about? And I tell myself, "Wooderson's about four things: he's about cars, weed, rock and roll, and chicks."

I look around where I am. I say, "well, I'm in my '70 Chevelle, that's one; I got Slater riding shotgun, so I'm definitely getting high, that's two; and we got Ted Nugent playing 'Stranglehold' on the 8-track, well, that's three." At this point, I hear over the intercom, "action!" And I look up across the drive-thru at this red-headed intellectual, and I say to myself, "buddy, you got three out of four. Alright, alright, alright!"

[Walks to the left side and takes a seat]

Hey, buddy. There's my big, growing nation. How you doing, champ? So, rough year, huh? Yeah, I hear ya. You got a lot goin' on inside ya. Feeling anxious and conflicted and scared about what's gonna happen next. Well, you are gonna be fine. Remember when you went through that Depression? This is nothing. You're just growing up, and you're in an awkward phase. For example, you may have noticed that your...your complexion is changing? You're getting a little darker, and you're freaking out about it? Well, that's natural for a nation of immigrants like yourself. Also, you're a lot gayer than you used to be. That is cool. That is trill. It's fleek, whatever that means.

So, how you doin'? You okay with money? Really? 'Cause I heard you're in some debt. I'd like to help you out, but if I do, you're never gonna learn. Also, I don't have $19 trillion, I have $230 million.

Something else I wanna talk to you about. You got a lot of guns, kiddo. You need all those guns? Alright, alright, I don't wanna have that fight again. Let's just drop it, you know. Drop it.

Hey, one thing you should know. We can smell it, the weed. It's like you're not even trying to hide it anymore. But don't worry, I won't tell your mom, because I don't need to because she can smell it, too.

Look, all I came in here to say is, you are great. I know some people are saying China's better than you. Sure, you know, China might be popular right now, but people don't understand how hard it is to be you. I mean, you got a summer birthday, that's always tough. Also, you know, you are so dang creative. Think of everything you have done. You went to the moon, you invented the Internet, you created a cannon that shoots T-shirts.

Alright, alright, look, I'm gonna get outta your hair. You got a big decision in the next couple weeks, but I know you're gonna make the right choice, as long as you think from [points to head] here and [points to heart] here, and not so much down there. And no matter what happens, I'm proud of you. Now, enough of the sulking. I want you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go show the world what else you can stuff inside a pizza crust. [Holds fist out] Pound it, pound it. [Takes a fist bump] Ah, that's my man. [Walks back to center] That kid is gonna be fine because that kid is a Hanks!

Beck Bennett (runs out on a game show podium): Hi, and welcome to my new game show where we get to the bottom of something that's been throwing me for a loop all week. Let's meet our contestants.

Audience (as splash screen for game show appears): Why Is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?

Benedict Cumberbatch (realizing what he just got himself into): Oh...Beck.

[Outro to "Nonsense"]

My sense of humor is, but I am not dry

SNL, I just came for the first time.

Church Lady (Dana Carvey): So, I hear they're gonna pay $700 million to smack some balls around with your big stick. We like to hit a baseball, don't we? Make more money than Jesus. You know, money is the root of all evil.

Juan Soto (Marcello Hernandez): Well, if that's true, then I'm gonna become the most evil baseball player in the world.