Saturday Night Live quotes

Chevy Chase

The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of "Ironsides."

Chevy Chase

Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.

Chevy Chase

Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not foreign."

Being a New Yorker means never having to say you're sorry.

How you doin'? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I'm funny. I'd like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He's in the hospital, sick. But he's cool. Miles always gets women, though, 'cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] "What's happenin'?" I get women, too. I can't keep 'em but I get 'em. Women always leave me, man! I don't mind 'em leavin' but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don't tell me why! 'Cause there ain't nothin' you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be... [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] "WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!" [as a cool, calm woman] "I'm leaving." [as the man] "I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" [as the woman] "Don't worry, you shan't."

Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin' for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin' and they weren't happy. And they get beat up a lot. No -- drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin': "Give me a Scotch and soda, please." Real cool. 'Bout a hour later: "WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn't drunk when I came in here! And I ain't gonna leave till I'm sober. Now, you can dig that, baby.

Dog.

Tree.

Fast.

Slow.

Rain.

Snow.

White.

...Black.

Bean.

Pod.

Negro.

Whitey.

Tarbaby.

[pause] What'd you say?

Tarbaby.

Ofay.

Colored.

Redneck.

Jungle bunny.

Peckerwood!

Burrhead!

Cracker!

Spearchucker!

White trash!

Jungle Bunny!

Honky!

Spade!

Honky honky!

Nigger!

DEAD honky!

Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Your momma!

Uh.. $7,500 a year?

Your grandmomma!

$15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't... don't hurt me, please...

Okay.

Okay.

You want me to start now?

Oh, no, no... that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

Chevy Chase

UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charitable organization's new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, "Let's kill the Arabs and take their oil!"

[voiceover] This is Don Pardo saying, oh oh oh! Whoops! I'm reading upside down!

[calling upstairs] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!

[from upstairs] I can't hear you what you're saying, honey - I'm in the shower!

[calling upstairs] Do you send for interior demolitionists?!!

[from upstairs] What?!

[to Interior Demolitionist 1] Do you want - you want some coffee?

Oh yeah! Great!

No coffee for me, thank you.

The ASPCA is out to get me because of this horse thing.

Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They've taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.

Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?

Drugs, I am against.

Chevy Chase

Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: "I don't judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils."

Chevy Chase

Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans' straightforwardness, has written his campaign slogan: "The Duck Stops Here." Asked if this plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: "I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water."