Reno 911! quotes

Deputy Garcia: Criminals are the vomit of society and we are the sawdust.

said of a prostitute

Deputy James Garcia: God vomited and there was Jackie.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Raineesha Williams is a loudmouth, backstabbing Jew. I wanna say Jew but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.

Jackie the Hooker: Shit, my wig falls off...now everybody knows I don't have cancer...

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Hey Terry.

Terry: Hiiii.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: How's it going tonight?

Terry: Hi.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: (to two girls sitting at Terry's table) Seriously. Take a walk.

Terry: (to girls) Bye you guys, I'll see you at the party.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry.

Terry: Whats going on?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Whats going on is that apparently you've been doing peoples taxes.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: (reading from advertisement in news paper) Terry Bernadino, certified public accountant?

Terry: That's me, at your service. Why? Do you want me to do your taxes?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: (yelling) When did you get your CPA?

Terry: What's that?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Oh my god will you stop.

Terry: Oh, is that that thing where someone can't breath and you give them CPA? Whatever I'll stop, I'll just go back to being a Doctor.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: How did you even start doing peoples taxes Terry?

Terry: Um.. some guy, who, who ah, was not my boyfriend for a while, said he wanted me to look at his taxes. So I was like, maybe I wont maybe I will and then he punched me in the face, so I was like alright...

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: So you're the victim. This is a Terry story...

Terry: No...

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: (as Terry starts crying) There he goes again.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Trudy, Trudy, this is amazing. In this part of Terry's life, Terry's the victim. As opposed to, as opposed to every other time. (to Terry) This time, you're the victim.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: If I recall the last time Terry was the victim was when he was giving pap smears in the back of his van.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, remember that?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: And somehow he was a victim because the lady clamped down on him.

Terry: (still crying) Yeah. She... she Kicked me in the face.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel: (Leading Terry in his roller skates, who has now stopped crying to the police car) Come on Terry.

Terry: Stop. There's a curb right there I can't go over it.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You can't go over it?

Terry: No I'll fall and hurt myself.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Terry,I like you. I used to like you.

Terry: Thank you. (leans in to kiss Dangel, who backs off)

Terry: What?

Jones: Who's your guys' best friend in the world?

Garcia: Santa Claus?

Junior: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.

Jones: Nope. Jones is your best friend, 'cause guess who's got tickets to the game!

{Everyone cheers}

Jones: We're going to University of Reno!

Williams: To Jonesy! (everyone holds up their coffee mugs in a toast)

(Dangle enters skipping)

Dangle: Hello, gang!

Williams: Good morning!

Dangle: Good morning indeed, very good morning indeed!

Williams: Yes it is, yes it is.

Dangle: I've been promoted!

All: (unenthusiastically) What?

Williams: Really?

Dangle: I'm going up to Carson City. (everyone cheers) Going to Carson City: Nevada State Police Director of Public Relations, Jim Dangle!

(Everyone claps)

Dangle: I'm goin', girl! And I made some reservations for Friday night, at Dan Swanky's, and thought maybe we could have a farewell dinner at Dan Swanky's at eight. I look forward to seeing you there and I'm going to miss you a whole lot of missing you all!

(Everyone grimaces: the get-together is the same night as the game.)

Johnson: ...I think Saturday is a great day for Dan Swanky's.

Jones: Yeah, I agree.

Dangle: What part about my reservation at Dan Swanky's didn't I make clear? I mean, I made a reservation at eight on Friday.

Jones: Sir, I, uh, I got us all tickets to the Lady Wolfpack, there's a final conference game and, well, this doesn't happen very often... sir.

Dangle: It's mandatory. It's mandatory. How's that?

Jones: Sir, I, uh, it's just...

Dangle: Are we talking about the Lady Wolfpack still?

Jones: I just...

Junior: Could we for a second?

Dangle: Hey, you know what's flying in? (makes helicopter sound) Oh. A period. To your fucking sentence about the Lady Wolfpack, just arrived.

Dangle: Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins... Not Vic, the Chimney Sweep, but another friend of Mary Poppins we never met.

Wiegel: That's funny, because Smiley also reminds me of someone from Merry Poppins. Who, for instance, comes riding in on some sort of jaloppy with Whipped ices, and he says, "Come along, children, I have whipped ices!" And when they get close enough to him, he grabs 'em, and rapes the shit out of 'em, and then tosses them in the back seat, and then, off he goes. And then: "Chip chip cheerio!"

[Dangle is speechless.]