John Cena in “HDP”

Hello Carol, we're John Cena, and we're here to address any questions you may be having regarding our food supply. As you know, we can't purposely harm, kill, or otherwise interfere with any form of life. That limits what we're able to consume. Because when we say any life, that includes plant life. We can't harvest wheat, corn, or rice. We can't pluck an apple from a tree. Once an apple drops of its own accord, well, we'll eat it, of course, and gratefully. Indeed, we harness all the windfall we can find. Plus, there are billions of domesticated animals, cows, chief amongst them that still require milking. And there’s preexisting food, millions of tons of it, that was processed prior to our joining. So far, so good, right? Except for one small problem. As of this taping, there are 7,348,292,411 of us. That’s a lot of mouths to feed. We’re facing a caloric deficit, and to make up for it, we’ve had to take certain measures. This is how we get our sustenance. One half-pint of this shelf-stable liquid contains 300 calories. Which means that based on a diet of 2,400 calories a day, someone John Cena’s size needs eight of these every 24 hours. Larger individuals require more. Smaller ones, less. What’s in it? Well, a lot of things. It’s manufactured across the globe, so the recipe changes based on the local availability of ingredients. Mostly, it’s those stockpiled foodstuffs we spoke of, particularly ones that are in danger of spoiling. Additionally, each carton contains eight to 12% of something we call HDP. Human-derived protein. And yep, that’s pretty much what it sounds like. Nearly 100,000 people pass away each day due to natural causes and accidents. Those human remains, which would otherwise go to waste, are our source of HDP. We cherish the memory of these people and appreciate their sacrifice. Given our druthers, would we choose to consume HDP? No. Throughout history, most cultures, though not all, have taken a dim view of anthropophagy. Honestly, we’re not that keen on it ourselves. But we’re left with little choice. Rest assured, Carol, you will never have to consume this product. Not unless you want to, which we assume is unlikely. We will never serve HDP to you in any form at any time. We will continue to reserve only the freshest, best windfall and stockpiled foods for you. We hope that clears things up. As always, your wellbeing is of the utmost importance to us. Any comments, concerns, call any time, day or night, and leave a voicemail. We regret not being able to speak to you directly, but for the time being, we need our space.