Dad, why does this have to be so difficult? You're my father so I should love you but I spent so much of my life hating you.
I was a terrible father. I know that.
You know, I can justify a lot of the screwed up things you've done. You bullied me because you wanted to make me tough. You tried to ruin my marriage because you wanted me to have a career. You even burned down your diner because you wanted to see me again. But I can't understand how you can murder your own brother. And I'm worried, when you're gone that's all I'll remember, and still hate you for it.
You should hate me for it.
So why did you do it?
I was always jealous of Keith. Even when we were kids. I was athletic, popular, all the things that he wasn't, but still, I was jealous of him. And people were drawn to Keith, and I hated him for it.
So you shot him because people liked him more?
The day I shot Keith I was in a dark place. I was convinced that he tried to kill me, I had lost you, divorced your mom, my life was spiraling downwards and meanwhile Keith was building a new life with my high school sweat-heart and the child I'd abandoned. Every time I looked at him I felt I like I was punched in the gut.
So what happened in that hallway?
Keith wanted to go into the school to save that kid, so I let him go, hoping he'd get shot. Let him be the hero, as long as he was a dead hero. And then I thought, why should he be the hero, when it could be me? So I followed him in. Jimmy was crying and Keith was telling him, it gets better, that pain in your heart, that voice in your head that tells ya there's no way out, it's wrong. It gets better. And I felt like he was talking to me. And in that moment, maybe the most heroic, kindest moment of my big brothers life, I hated him. I hated him more than anyone, or anything. Because nothing had gotten better. That pain was still in my heart. That voice in my head saying there's no way out was right! And he was standing there, lying to me! And after Jimmy died, I picked up the gun and aimed it at Keith, and he looked at me, and all I could think of was how everything that had gone wrong in my life was his fault. And it wasn't going to get better until he was gone. Just pull the trigger and it all ends. So I pulled that trigger. And It didn't end! It got worse. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
[Dan breaks down crying]
There are a lot of people you need to say I'm sorry to, but I'm not one of them. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for you. My career, my family, my life. No matter what you've done, you're still my father. My father, and I love you.
Oh Nathan, I love you too.
