Mr. Show quotes

217 total quotes



All Seasons
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Ronnie Dobbs (David): Y'all wear condoms on both your ears, I think it's funny. [Cough and groan]

Bob: David attended public schools, so he confuses Hitler with Anne Frank.

David: Bob missed his first day of school, and he never really caught up, so he thinks there are only 5 states...and that one of them is named Chim-Cham.

Gary, the asshole party-crasher (David): You fuckers are gonna believe it now.

Woman leaving convenience store (Jill Talley): Take a picture, it'll last longer, jag-off!

Father Mike (Bob): I was born... out of Satan's ass.

Father Mike (Bob): When I ask for a glass of water and someone hands me a glass full of sand, I turn it over, make a sand castle, and pretend I'm king. When someone throws a stone at my head, I pretend the bruise is a faded tattoo, and that I was once a sailor who ran a sweat shop in Singapore. I'm not too proud of that time in my imaginary life, but I'm comforted by the fact that my friends, who made me stick a banana in my crack, feel even worse.

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): Gentlemen, I propose that this arts funding is like a milking machine and unless we shut it down, it's gonna rip our dicks right off!

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I've got a naked puppet doin' a lewd, lascivious Fandango on the lap of a full-grown man! I got a fella over here, he's churnin' butter. A lady over here dippin' candles...it's like a pioneer porn shop in here! Close 'em down, boys!

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I wish I could be everywhere that people are doin' art, so that I could keep the public from gettin' aroused...or titillated...or otherwise confused by the counterculture.

Marshall, the 13th apostle (David): God, lemme ask you something: are you happy settling for omnipotence?

Guy in Tech Corp commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (Jay Johnston): Fuckity fuck-fuck!!!

Voiceover king (Bob): Mr. Pickle's funtime abortion clinics: we'll bring out the kid in ya!

Globo-Chem executive (John Ennis): My great great great grandfather started this company with one single rickety leaky hand-crafted slave ship, and a simple motto: "People Selling People to People".

Pit-Pat (Bob): Take it from me, I love you.