“The Argument Clinic” quotes from Monty Python's Flying Circus

What do you want?

Well I was told outside...

Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

What?

Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!

Look, I came here for an argument!

[apologetic] Oh, I'm sorry. This is abuse. No, you want room 12A next door.

I see, sorry!

Not at all. [the man exits] Stupid git.

Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Yes, but that's not just saying "No it isn't."

Yes it is!

No it isn't!

You are hereby charged where you did willfully take part in a strange sketch. That is a skit, spoof, or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature, with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British public.