[The Operating Room receives personal-injury lawyer and coronary patient Sheldon Fleischer, but nobody wants to handle him.]
It's okay, please. I promise… I promise I won't sue you. I'll sign a waiver. Please.
[The staff consider this for a moment, then…]
[rapidly] Awright. Well, you heard him. We got a lawyer here — every second counts. I want that digital minicam running at 24 frames per second trained on this patient's torso at all times.
[Everyone starts scrambling at his rapid-fire commands.]
I want a second camera, handheld, covering any medical personnel that touch this patient for any reason. I want a third camera trained on me, the attending physician. I would like all orders typed, not handwritten, proof-read, and printed in triplicate — and notarized. Where's the notary?
[A handheld camera pans over to a man in a business suit covered with an OR gown.]
Notary public, right here.
Danny, is that a genuine and accurate record of all the medications and procedures received by this patient while being transported to this medical facility?
Yes, Doctor.
CLEAR!
[Hook slaps the paperwork down on Fleischer's exposed chest.]
Ooh!
[The notary moves in and clamps his seal onto the paper — against Fleischer's chest.]
Ooh! Ugh.
Sign.
[Fleischer scribbles his signature on the forms. Hook turns to the handheld cameras.]
[still rapid-fire] My name's Dr. Hook. I attended Columbia University Medical School…
[Cut to a stenographer typing furiously, then back to Hook.]
[rapidly] … from 1992 to 1996 and graduated magna cum laude. I was trained as a surgical resident at Johns Hopkins and did my fellowship at Boston General. With a reasonable degree of medical certainty and according to a standard of care exercised by similarly qualified practictioners, in the same or similar circumstance in a community of the same or similar size, I shall now order 1 milligram of atropine, 1 milligram of epinephrine on standby, 100% oxygen through high-flow mask with a 250cc reservoir attached. So help me God!
[Cut to Fleischer looking up at the medical staff, who loom over him, their voices echoing oddly.]
20 milligrams of Nabisco Frosted Mini-Wheats, IV-pushed. 5cc coronary anti-freeze. Fifty units Formula 409, STP oil treatment, and WD-40, stat! A portable chest death ray, a sterile claw hammer, and 10 milligrams of napalm and nitroglycerin in per-saline drip, [whimsically] and a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down!
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