“Voyage of the Damned” quotes from Doctor Who

I shall be taking you to Old London town in the country of UK, ruled over by Good King Wenceslas. Now, human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of UK go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner, like savages.

'Scuse me? [Mr. Copper looks at him.] Sorry, sorry, but, um... where did you get all this from?

Well, I have a First Class Degree in Earthonomics.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Security protocol one! Do you hear me? One! One-ah! [The Hosts pause their attack.] OK. That gives me three questions. Three questions to save my life, am I right?

Information: Correct.

No, that wasn't one of them! I didn't mean it! That's not fair! Can I start again?

Information: No.

No! No, no, no, no! That wasn't a question either! Blimey... One question left. One question. All right. So. You've been given orders to kill the survivors but survivors; therefore, must be passengers or staff. But not me. I'm not a passenger, I'm not staff. Go ahead, scan me. [The Hosts do so.] You must have bio-records. No such person on board. I don't exist. Therefore, you can't kill me. Therefore, I'm a stowaway; and stowaways should be arrested and taken to the nearest figure of authority. And I reckon... the nearest figure of authority... is on deck 31. Final question - am I right?

Information: Correct.

Brilliant. Take me to your leader. [excitedly] I've always wanted to say that!

Oh, yes! No... yes! The business isn't failing, it's failed. Past tense.

My own board voted me out. Stabbed me in the back!

If you had a back. So, you scupper the ship, wipe out any survivors, just in case anyone's rumbled you, and the board find their shares halved in value. Oh, but that's not enough. No. Because if a Max Capricorn ship hits the Earth, it destroys an entire planet. Outrage back home! Scandal! The business is wiped out.

[with smug relish] And... the whole board thrown in jail for mass murder!

While you sit there, safe inside the impact chamber.

I have men waiting to retrieve me from the ruins, and enough off-world accounts to retire me to the beaches of Penhaxico Two, where the ladies, so I'm told, are very fond of... [glances downward for a moment] metal.

[incredulous and outraged] So that's the plan. A retirement plan. Two thousand people on this ship, six billion underneath us, all of them slaughtered, and why?! Because Max Capricorn is a loser!

I never lose!

You can't even sink the Titanic!

Astrid Peth, citizen of Sto. The woman who looked at the stars and dreamed of travelling. Now you can travel forever. You're not falling, Astrid... You're flying!