“Love & Monsters” quotes from Doctor Who

Now when it comes to the Doctor's companion, the Torchwood files are strangely lacking. It seems the evidence has been corrupted. Something called "Bad Wolf" virus. At least we've got these photographs. They're first hand evidence. Elton?

It was a London accent, definitely. She's from London.

So we hit the streets. We get out there, we take the photographs. Someone's got to know who she is, somewhere.

Yes, but London's a big place. I mean, I should know, my own daughter's out there--

Bridget, don't make this personal. I don't like to be touched, literally or metaphorically, thank you very much. I haven't got the time. Bleeding hearts outside!

[voice-over] I'd been trained for this. Victor Kennedy's classes covered basic surveillance and espionage. Step one: engage your target. Find some excuse to start a conversation. But how was I gonna do this? How?

Excuse me love, you couldn’t give us a quid for two fifties, could you?

Yeah... Just a... ah, da-da!

Oh lovely! Cheers.

[voice-over] Step two: without provoking suspicion, get on first name terms with the target.

My name's Jackie. By the way.

I'm Elton.

Ah, you don’t meet many Eltons, do you? Apart from the obvious!

[voice-over] Step three: ingratiate yourself with a joke or some humourous device.

I tell you what, Elton. Here we are, complete strangers, and I’m flashing you me' knickers!

[voice-over] Step four: find some subtle way to integrate yourself into the target’s household.

Mind you, I’m only down here because my washing machine’s knackered. I don’t suppose you’re any good at fixing things, are you?

[Upon appearing from the TARDIS. To Elton.] Someone wants a word with you.

[angrily] You upset my mum!

[glances at the Abzorbaloff] Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having a go at me?

No one upsets my mum.

Is it me, or is he a bit... Slitheen?

Not from Raxacoricofallapatorius, are you?

No! I'm not! They're swine! I spit on them! I was born on their twin planet.

Really? What's the twin planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius?

Clom.

[taken aback] Clom?

Clom, yes. And I'll return there victorious, once I possess your travelling machine.

Well, that's never going to happen.

Oh, it will! You'll surrender yourself to me, Doctor, [points at Elton] or this one dies. See, I've read about you, Doctor. I've studied you. So passionate, so sweet - you wouldn't let an innocent man die! And I'll absorb him unless you give yourself to me!

Sweet? Maybe. Passionate? I suppose. But don't ever mistake that for nice.