Dead Ringers quotes

If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later.

Just starting over on BBC One is a brand new programme about the recent New Labour drama, The Project - following the story of a tiny handful of mysterious clandestine people who actually bother to watch it all the way through.

Tomorrow night at 9 on ITV1, there'll be someone who used to be in EastEnders, or Soldier Soldier on the hunt for a serial killer. I haven't actually looked at the schedules but it's bound to be there, it usually is.

And there's a treat in store for Drama lovers now, as this BBC Two trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies. Well, he's written everything else this weekend so he might as well write this too. It'll be just the same as the other trails really, except I'm wearing a frock coat and a top hat. You might notice something a little sexier than usual... Picture of a topless woman flashes on screen

Starting in a few minutes on ITV2 is Pop Rivals: Extra. Expect to see tears aplenty from those young hopefuls who've had their dreams of becoming a household name crushed... by being chosen to be in the final band.

Later tonight on BBC Four, we've a change to our scheduled film. In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, we'll be screening Porky's Five Horny Babes in bikinis. No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I? Time for bed now, see you tomorrow!

Starting in a few minutes on ITV, it's the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald. Warning: may contain news.

Friday night on BBC One, we'll discover who has won Fame Academy, as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity, and with the help of designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, throws them straight back into obscurity.

Over on BBC One starting in a few minutes, there'll be a chance to see the advert for the BBC's new digital service. But don't worry if you miss it, because it'll be on again half-an-hour after that, and then again, and again and again right throughout the night until it reaches the stage you'll be wanting to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie!

Later this evening on 4 (Channel Four), we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment. That's 'Bloody Hell, That Weird Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress!', tonight at nine.

Great news for Muppets fans this festive season. There's a Muppet's Christmas Carol on ITV, A Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One, and the Muppets Invade Baghdad and Kermit kicks Saddam's Arse on News 24.

This festive season on BBC One, we've yet more increasingly desperate Weakest Link themed specials.

You're watching BBC Two. Turkey curry? You sure that's a good idea?

Tomorrow at 9, we have a brand new reality TV series starring Chris Evans: When Bailiffs Attack!

Tomorrow here on 4, we have a brand new reality show: Rise. Where two presenters sit in a studio and try and vote out as many viewers as possible.