[Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!
Actually sir, it's just Turk.
That's your first name.
You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
[Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
It's J.D.'s last week of residency]
[to Dr. Cox] C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! [leaves]
Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
Newbie, do you want me to give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
I agrizzle, my nizzle.
[Dr. Cox has just made Elliot Chief Resident, passing J.D. over; J.D. does not take the news well.]
Newbie, how you doing?
[voiceover] OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. [out loud, barely holding together] No, it's fine. You did what you had to do! You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. [hysterically] Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?! Who's going to tell my mom?! And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?! [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]
Relax, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.
Uh, what now?
Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.
So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.
So what do you think?
I’ll tell you there, Bobbo, either this kid has a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.
MCMolly Clock
I think, as a psychiatrist, I should be there when Ms. Myers' bandages get removed. I mean, the accident was traumatic enough, but with reconstructive facial surgey on top of that? In my professional opinion: yikes!
Well, if you are coming in, I might just go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
MCMolly Clock
Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?
[Dr. Cox makes a face and walks off]
[laughing] That was good.
You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
[narration] ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.
NDNew Doctor
[Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.
[J.D. is asking people at the hospital if they've ever unintentionally killed a patient]
Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?
Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
DDoug
Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.
I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
DDoug
On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.
Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
DDoug
Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.
No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?
[narration] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.
[J.D. approaches the bed of a female patient, holding a handheld tape recorder]
[into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.
MMrs. McCullum
Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.
[J.D. has just regained his residents' respect]
Lonnie, slap your face!
[Lonnie does so]
All of you, slap your faces!
[All the residents slap their own faces]
Awesome.
[Dan greets J.D. with cake,a family tradition for bearing bad news]
What happened?
What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"
Dan.
...Dad died.
...There's ice cream in the fridge.
Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
And I have got to believe that the two of us, together—together, Dan—we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.
Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
[Rubs his stomach] I'm touching your creamy center!
[She leaves; J.D. enters the hallway behind Dr. Cox]
Oh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong.
[Dr. Cox starts looking around; J.D. turns around and flees]
Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the Board for trying to con her out of meds.
Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Well, that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.
Exactly!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.