[Drake takes Josh upstairs to their room to have a private conversation about their dad]
We've got a problem with dad.
I got him a dandruff shampoo.
This isn't a dandruff problem, Josh. It's a woman problem.
Listen to me, Josh. I overheard dad talking on the phone and- Well, I think he's-I think he's seeing another woman.
Seeing another woman do what?
I think he's dating another woman.
What?! Dad can't be dating another woman. He's married to our mom! [laughs] Ooh.
But dad's not the kind of guy to go running around with other women. He loves mom and has dandruff.
Oh, yeah? Then why was he telling that woman on the phone that he's "interested" and she's all he's been thinking about, huh?
You overheard him say that?
Oh, man. Look, maybe you misunderstood.
Alright. Well, let's not do anything yet. Let's just, Um...keep our eyes open for the next few days, but don't say a word to mom.
No way. Wait. Hey, uh...you got some White flakes. White flakes. [wipes something off of Josh's back]
[Walter comes home late while wearing a suit, then he closes the door quietly but he is stopped by Josh]
Nothing. What makes you think something's up? I mean, heh, come on. Heh, come on.
I was, um...out buying some milk.
I drank it on the way home.
Ok. Why are you wearing a suit?
What, a man can't look nice when he goes dairy shopping?
So at midnight, you put on a suit, drove to the market, bought some milk, and then drank the entire carton on the way home?
Look, let's just not tell your mom about this. Alright? Right?
Yeah. Sure. [he runs off]
[Josh panics as he runs up to his room to wake Drake up]
Drake, wake up! Drake, Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! [climbs onto Drake's bed and jumps on him] DRAKE, WAKE UP! I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! Hi.
Look, Drake, alright, you were right.
Great. Can you hand me that bullhorn?
Sure. [gives Drake a bullhorn]
Thanks. [turns the bullhorn on, yells in it] GET OFF OF ME! [Josh gets off] Now, what was I right about?
About dad, alright? I think he is dating another woman.
Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: [imitates Walter] "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!"
I really needed some milk.
[slaps Drake with a pillow] THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom.
Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure.
Yeah, well, I gotta know.
Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around and see what he's up to.
Excuse me? [picks up his trophy] Perfect attendance since nursery school.
Ah, the golden dork award.
Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence.
Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note?
[Drake pulls a box out from his bed]
Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids?
[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake made]
[choking and suffering] Cu-cu-cumin!
Cumin!? Cumin!? [angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes] YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
Oh, so I made a little mistake.
A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. [pause] DAD! [they run back into the kitchen] Dad! Dad, what do I do!?
[choking and suffering] Inhaler!
[mumbles] Help me find it! [he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer] Here! Here! Dad! [puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth] Drake, what do I do? [Drake hits Walter's chest] Are you okay? Is that better?
[Audrey angrily comes in and has a fight with Walter about finding loose hair in their shower]
[angrily] Walter, I am not happy!
Why, because your demon waffles didn't kill me?!
You know, I'm allergic to Cumin.
So? What does that have to do with anything?
Do you think my thumbs are the same size?
If you want to know why I'm not happy, it's because when I got in the shower this morning, I found one of these again. [shows Walter the hairball]
So I left a little hair in the drain.
How 'bout those red sox? They're good, right?
When I take my morning shower, I do not enjoy stepping on a hamster!
Hey, anyone want a tangelo?
Mmm. / Tangerine, / Hello.
You know what? I'm going to work.
Fine. Why don't you take this with you? I think it might be "take your hairball to work" day!
[after Audrey and Walter angrily leave, Drake picks up Walter's waffle he dropped on the floor and takes a bite]
[Josh grab's Walter's waffle off of Drake's hand and throws it to the plant]
[Drake and Josh both sneak into the restrant that Walter and Peggy are at to tell her to leave their father alone]
PPeggy
Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
PPeggy
Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
PPeggy
Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would find it exciting.
Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
PPeggy
[chuckles] I don't think so.
PPeggy
Because I want your dad.
PPeggy
Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
PPeggy
I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
Yeah? When we see someone we don't like, we do this. [dumps pasta on Peggy's head]
And sometimes, we even do this. [shoves a cake in Peggy's face, as Walter returns]
Drake! Josh! What have you done?
PPeggy
Walter.... If this is how you raise your children to behave! Then, I have no interest in pursuing you any further!
PPeggy
Goodbye, Walter! [spits at him and angrily storms away]
[Drake and Josh are trumphant as Walter angrily stares at them when he found those them as they we're sneaking in his business]
Alright, we couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
Yeah, and ruin our whole family!
We won't tell mom about this whole "episode".
[satisfied] We got your back! [they pat him]
You think, I was dating that woman?
Boys, that "skunk-bag" just happens to be the senior producer of Good Morning Today, and she was talking to me about being the weatherman, on the #1 [angrily] NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!!!
Bye. [try to leave, but Walter stops them]
No, you're not! You're gonna do something else.
[for costing Walter his job, Drake and Josh are forced to dump food all over themselves as the episode ends]
[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays himself]
[in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?
Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
[stops the fight] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this.
[Josh hums as Tori]
Now, I-I really like you I- [Josh hums again] But-but I think we have to break up! [Josh begins to cry] See! I can't handle it!
Just keep going you can handle it.
Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too!
[in a very girly voice] Well, I guess I understand.
[angrily] OUT! [he makes Drake leave]
Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here [stares at Josh's half shaved mustache] What happened to the other half of your mustache?
I woke up this morning and it was just gone.
Well, then why don't you shave off the other half?
No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do.
Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you!
Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls.
You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here!
Restashing you! [draws a mustache on Josh's face]
The hottest. You think she'll make Tori jealous?
[Josh mumbles]
Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh.
LLiza
What's up with his-?
Come with me! [he and Liza leave]
[while wandering around Helens house] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place must've cost you like, a billion dollars.
Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Is that some of your business?
Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from Happy Times.
Happy Times, wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
Whoa, you played the little sister on Happy Times?
Yes, I was little Georgia.
Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? (They both say yes) The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa.
[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]
Just put it on auxiliary 1 and press play.
[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]
MMark
Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
GGeorgia
You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drum.
MMark
Here catch! [throws the football and breaks the flower vase]
GSGeorgia's Mom
Mark, you go to your room right now!
MMark
Yes ma'am! [leaves and gets grounded by their mom]
GSGeorgia's Mom
And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
GGeorgia
That is not my job!
Yeah, that was my catchphrase!
[Josh has a dream as he imagines what will happen to Helen if she got killed. All theater workers wear black vests.]
PPriest
Today, we come to lay to rest Helen Ophelia Dubois, or you might know her as Georgia, the spunky kid sister in the hit show "Happy Times".
[Everyone murmurs about Helen's show, Happy Times]
[mimicking Georgia] That is not my job!
PPriest
But sadly, these are not happy times, because Helen was abandoned in her time of need. Abandoned by that man! Josh Nichols! How could you, Josh?!
[Everyone leaves while saying "It's all your fault" to Josh]
[as Josh's dream ends, his phone rings]
[answers the phone revealing it's Megan] Hello?
Josh, did you lose something?
I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
[at Drake and Josh's house] One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! [laughs] That's revolutionary!
Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! [hangs up and leaves]
GGavin
[picks up his pillow] Gonna take a nap on the roof. [leaves]
[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
I don't want to kill the bug.
Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and throws it at the bug but he misses] GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
[worried] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
Okay, what up with the cane?
[mumbles] I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]
[gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
I don't know! This house is tilted!
No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey take him to sit on a chair]
Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan react at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror, as his foot is now a purplish-black and red mess] MORE!!!
Looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
He dropped a barbell on it.
Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
[curious] Why didn't you tell us about this?
[worried] 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
Do you know how serious this could be?
[after discovering Josh's foot] You could lose that foot!
[whining] But I love this foot!
Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
If they have to remove his foot, can I have it?
[the family are at the hospital with Josh sitting in a wheelchair]
They have to develop the x-rays.
Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [laughs] Oh, why do I try?
Seriously, Josh, I don't know why you're so freaked out by hospitals.
[three Paramedics wheel in a seriously injured patient on a gurney while a nurse follows them]
PParamedic
Hurry hurry! Somethings gone wrong! Oh, code red! Code red!
NNurse
What's wrong with him?!
I'm outta here! [he tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration for failing to escaping]
Look, here comes Drake with your frozen yogurt.
Uh, good. Uh, did they have French vanilla?
[tries to eat the frozen yogurt but notices the cup is empty] It's empty.
[gives the empty cup to Drake] Headaches!
LDr. Lindy
Hi. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
LDr. Lindy
Well, not so good.
Are you going to have to cut off his foot?
LDr. Lindy
No, it's not that serious. But his foot will require a bit of surgery.
See ya! [he tries to wheel away again on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration again for escaping]
Stop that. [to Dr. Lindy] So he really needs surgery?
LDr. Lindy
Yes. If he wants to have complete mobility of his left foot, we will have to operate.
Will you be doing the procedure?
LDr. Lindy
No, we'll get him a foot specialist.
And when does the surgery take place?
LDr. Lindy
A few hours. [Josh squeals] I'll have a nurse check him into a room.
Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Relax, she said it wasn't serious.
You'll be fine. Now listen, your father is gonna stay here with you while I take Megan home.
Uh, actually, Dad, could you run home and pick me up like a couple magazines and my laptop? Y'know Cause I'm gonn be waiting around for a while.
Megan, don't you want to say something to your brother before you go?
[unnerved] Love you, too. [to Drake] Man, I'm scared.
Don't be scared, man. Look, I'm gonna stay right here with you, okay? You got nothing to worry about.
[Megan is in Drake and Josh's room fixing the thermostat]
[voiceover] Where are you?
Um. Hang on. I'm in Drake and Josh's room.
There you are. Don't you want dinner? I ordered Chinese.
Uh, what are you doing in the boys' room?
Oh, I just wanted to clean up a little, make sure everything's nice for Josh when he gets home from the hospital.
You know, I don't think Josh has any idea how lucky he is to have a little sister like you.
It's ok. His happiness is my reward.
[as Audrey leaves Drake and Josh's room, Megan continues fixing the thermostat]
