[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]
What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?
But- you guys always make fun of me!
I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!
Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.
Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?
Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.
[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?
[Already racing back to the elevator] No!
[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]
A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?
Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.
Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?
No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!
Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!
Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!
Hey, Gina. Would you do me a favor?
Yes! Thank you for asking. I did not feel like doing this work right now.
[Gina shoves the papers she was writing on off her desk and into the trash can.]
Oh. Those look like important papers.
What's up? How can I help?
Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together. The Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia...
But never to a friend's house, huh?
Uncalled for. Anyway, I realized that this could be really helpful for police work, so I made an appointment with the head of NYPD purchasing. I need to sell him on it, but I'm afraid I might come across a little... boring.
[Gasps] Amy, are you asking me to "She's all that" you?
I didn't read that. But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes, please! "She's all that" me.
Okay. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way. First I'm gonna need to break you down into nothin', and then build you back up piece by piece.
Well, the meeting's tomorrow.
Well, we'll just break you down to nothin' and see what time it is.
I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible Scotch.
They certainly do. Ugh. It's bad. Gets you drunk, though.
Well, I found all the worms. They're eating a fox corpse in the outhouse.
Speaking of which, I'm getting hungry. What's for dinner?
Dinner? Ha ha ha! Yes! Of course, dinner!
Did you not pack any food?
[Jake has called Gina, Terry, Diaz, and Boyle into the break room.]
Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.
You called us in here to tell us that?
No, I called you in here to change your lives! For you see, not five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish, who lives in-
[Looks out the break room window and gasps] An identical mason jar!
Oh... this isn't gonna end well.
There are two possible outcomes, and we're gonna bet on which one happens first. Will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade-
Hitchcock just drank his own fish.
Hey, Gina! I need a top secret favor. Sharon has come to the precinct and I need your help.
Uh, it better not be pregnancy related, 'cause that crap is nasty.
Dress it up however you want; that's some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.
Okay, don't worry about Sharon, I'll take care of her. I've got everything she needs. Pillow, blanket, copy of Breast Feeders magazine, which, now that I say it out loud, sounds like porn. [Flips through the magazine] Yep, it is.
So what do you need me for?
Keeping Captain Holt away from her. Terry says he gets very awkward near Sharon.
Mm, that's one way to put it.
[In a flashback, Terry and Sharon encounter Holt inside the precinct]
Ah, Sharon, nice to see you! You look so big, like a mighty truck.
Well, Sharon is happy, and Captain Holt has no idea where she is.
Damn, we are good at stashing pregnant ladies! [High-fives Jake] Uh!
SSharon
Guys? My water just broke.
Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one- oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse!
[As Jake approaches their desk] Oh, come here, come here, come here! You need to see this! I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift.
Oh? Did he lift his no gift policy?
No, he didn't, but I figured out a way to buy him something and trick him into accepting it.
I know, right! Oh, wait, you're making fun of me.
Well, I don't care. He would never open a gift, right? But, what if his gift didn't look like a gift?
Exactly! I left it in a cardboard box on his desk. There's no card, just the words "Open Now" which I wrote with my wrong hand, so he wouldn't recognise my handwriting! [Holt passes them] Captain!
Sir... So, just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk, on a random Monday with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person?
[exiting his office quickly] Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! [There is mass panic as everyone rushes for the exit. Rosa presses an alarm] Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!
[sarcastically, to an aghast Amy] Great gift, babe!
[Boyle's ex-wife Eleanor has just visited the precinct and is threatening to destroy Boyle's stored sperm unless he illegally gets her out of going to court for hitting a man with her car.]
Damn. She can't do that! Can she do that?
Okay, stay calm. We're gonna talk to a lawyer and get a professional opinion.
[Cut to Peralta and Boyle sitting in front of a lawyer's desk]
LLawyer
Damn! I can't believe you signed this contract! The sperm is her legal possession. It also says that she, and I quote, [flips to the second page and points] "Owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that!
All right, all right! Looks good! Can barely tell you hulked out in here.
Yeah, two weeks in charge, and I didn't get any of my goals accomplished.
You got Hitchcock and Scully off their hunger strike.
I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor. It wasn't that hard.
Yeah, they're animals. Do you wanna know why the amazing Captain Holt has never gotten the evidence room cleaned or done anything on your list?
Because all day long, he's putting out fires. That's what a captain does. The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.
Oh, you don't have to thank me. All I did was be the only person who believes in you.
Don't lean against the door. Terry caused structural damage.
Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on this ship. You won a free cruise without entering a contest; how do you think that happened?
I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought Speed 2 on DVD and the internet figured out that cruises are one of my interests!
Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong. [He and Jake bump fists] But the tics are all me. I brought you here because I'm in peril.
Somebody's tryin' to kill me, and I need protection. So I sent for my best friend.
I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy! Get that through your head!
[To Amy] It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.
Whatever, Judy! You're under arrest!
You can't arrest me, boo! We're in international waters. Which is why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome, to the high seas.
No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.
Judy's right, we have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.
Uh-oh! Your girl knows about the Uzbeks!
But the captain can have him arrested; he has total authority on this boat.
Perfect; captains love me. Just wait until he or she finds out they're employing a criminal.
[Cut to the three of them standing out on deck with the captain.]
OCaptain Orleans
Yeah, about forty percent of the crew are criminals.
[Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, has escaped from the cruise ship to a small motorboat after Jake saved Judy's life.]
Peralta! Sorry to do this to you, man. I saw an opening and I had to take it. I can't go to jail! I'm too cool!
You'll never get away from me, Judy!
I can't hear what you're saying; you're real far away. I'll just assume you're finally admitting we're best friends.
No, that's not what I'm saying!
Thank you! It means a lot to me. Enjoy the rest of your cruise! Just remember; you got a fine lady, don't be a tang in the mud! Check your pockets! [Jake does, pulling out a cabin access card] Boom-boom stateroom, baby!
[To Amy] Awesome. [To Judy] But this isn't over! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth!
I love you, too! I'm so proud of us for being able to say it! What're you still standing there for? Go smush!
[Doug Judy steers the motorboat away from the cruise ship.]
[Boyle was caught naked in a restaurant bathroom when Rosa Diaz chased a suspect in there. The following day, Boyle is in the file room when Diaz walks in.]
It's not like I'm, uh, always-
Look, man. Nobody's ever gonna see that footage; the case was cut and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-
[Terry enters the file room.]
Hey. I've been looking for you guys. I just spoke to our perp's attorney. He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom weren't his.
What?! But we saw him throw them in the garbage!
Yeah. Normally, it'd be your word against his- but lucky for us, you were wearing body cams!
Yeah, but the thing about cameras, is that they don't really tell the full, objective truth. Images can be distorted. People often seem naked.
Boyle, what are you talking about?
Boyle is fully nude in the footage.
KPKaren Peralta
Hey, honey. Thanks for bringing Roger back.
You're very welcome. Hey, by the way, Amy was really nervous to meet you, so don't judge her for all the weird singing.
KPKaren Peralta
Oh, no. I'm dating my son-of-a-bitch ex-husband; who am I to judge?
[Amy Santiago rolls down the window of the Impala she's sitting in.]
I think you're really great, too!
She's very good at lip-reading.
I wouldn't say "very" good; deaf people, they're the real talents!
I'll let you guys talk! I'll just close my eyes. [Rolls the window back up.]
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history! The auction for-
[Gina reaches down from the podium and holds up a vinyl briefcase; the gathered detectives are amazed.]
Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the Lost & Found since 1976. No one alive today knows its contents. I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off!
I'll let you give me a spray tan! Any shade you want!
Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity! Who can top it?
Massage! I'll give you a massage!
Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified. Interesting approach. Orange Jake: Goin' once! Goin' twice!
I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side pony.
Ooh! Rosa comin' in hot, Rosa comin' in hot!
I'll also give you full control over my hair and wardrobe.
I'll go on a date with you!
SOLD! To Jake. Not to Scully. That really freaked me out and I just want this to end now.
