She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."
Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
That or "Whose bra is this?"
That's worse.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?
Where?
I don't care. I'm not hungry.
We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
What are we gonna do there, talk?
We can talk.
I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Then we'll just sit there.
I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
I never heard him say anything really funny.
But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor.
You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
I don't know but he ain't funny.
What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?
I'm no cat killer.
[about his cantaloupe] Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.
It's too far.
It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.
I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?
See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.
I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.
The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room – the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't want to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theatres that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two…"
You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.
I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense...am I wrong?
This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.
Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Absolutely.
It's fabulous.
I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"
The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" [Mimes fiddly button-pressing] "I told him!"
[about Elaine taking the apartment above Jerry] How could you do that?
'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
But I need the home bed advantage!
Of course, we all do.
You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.
Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
RRoxanne
[yelling out the window to the marathon runners] You're all winners!
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
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