DDoctor
I think a good way to begin is to tell Rusty a bit about yourselves and your journey to the group.
Me first? Well, I have a bit of an eating disorder...
DDoctor
Lance, wait your turn.
As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, "replaced with a newer model," I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. (The Doctor prompts him to continue.) And...I have abandonment issues? More?
DDoctor
Tell Rusty your name.
Oh, well, that's a tricky one! The latest development in my caped crusade against Captain Sunshine's lawyers is that I get to keep most of the costume, but I'm no longer allowed to call myself Wonderboy when I appear in public.
Lance Hale: *cough* Mall openings! *cough*
LHLance Hale
Our turn? Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.
DHDale Hale
I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...
LHLance Hale
(punches Dale in the arm) Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.
Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you...
LHLance Hale
For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!
DHDale Hale
He did leave us that nice car...
LHLance Hale
It's totally fuckin' cherry! But that is not the point, Dale, and don't interrupt me again, or I swear to God I will fuck you up...
My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.
I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?
LHLance Hale
So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so...that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.
RBRo-Boy
I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!
I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.
(The boys look for their doctor's killer at Nightingale's. The Bouncer tries to intimidate them.)
Hey, Francis. You're in my way, there.
BBouncer
You've been banned, Junkie! Get out before I throw you out!
Hey, you mess with one boy adventurer, you mess with all of us!
(A crowd of bikers gather around them.)
I think they were hoping you'd say that...
(noticing a cold sore on the Bouncer's lip.) Looks like you got a bit of herpey on your lip. You been kissin' your wife's ass? After I put herpey in there?
ZDr. Z
Wh-what? Okay. Hold on. I didn't realize it was the 31st already. We have only some old Sourballs and Kraft Caramels.
ZDr. Z
Ah, if it isn't Action Johnny. To what do I owe this pleasure? Come to steal an old man's medication, again?
I think you know why we're here.
ZDr. Z
Big, tough guy when you have your little friends with you, aren't you? Hello again, Rusty.
Why'd you kill him Z? To get to me?
ZDr. Z
I have no idea what you are talking about, I have not arched you in years. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!
You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese two-step Viper?
ZDr. Z
[Dramatically] BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy. And certainly would not do it with a made up snake!
YRYoung Rusty
Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I can be just be like a normal kid and go out and play with kids my own age and stuff. The only people I get to hang out with are grown-ups. The only time I get to leave the compound, is to go some place creepy like the Bermuda Triangle. And then I get kidnapped, by grown-ups. And I’m not even sure if I wanna be a super-scientist when I grow up anyway, but I feel all this pressure because of my fa.... It feels weird telling you all this stuff.
[While Young Rusty is talking he’s unaware of Jonas Venture sneaked into the room]
Remember Rusty, in here I’m your doctor not your father. Now lets get back to it shall we. You were telling me how you’re ungrateful for all the opportunities your father’s given you and you blame me for all your problems!
Tatyana, what are you doing here?
[as Tatyana] I was just sitting here thinking how glad I am that I left you for the OutRider, and how he does that thing you used to do with your mouth, but better because he can hold his breath longer.
Oh... it is you. My Master.
[as Tatyana] Duh, Orpheus. Now what’s all this cry-baby crap about. Aren’t you used to the OutRider making you look like a shnooke by now?
He came out of a portal to the second-world. I have been training my whole life just to perceive that there is a second-world, and he can move between them. Tell me Master how can this be?
[as Tatyana] The love of a good woman can do wonders, Orpheus. I mean look at me, [Puts hands on breasts] and these are natural C cups. Aren’t they beautiful? I mean, you could bounce a penis off these!
I doubt my ex-wife's breasts are the answer.
[as Tatyana] It doesn’t stop there; I’m sitting on what is easily the ass of a teenager. What does she do pilates or something? You can rest a coffee mug on it.
Really, she’s almost forty by now!
[as Tatyana] Well, you tell it to the heinie Orpheus, because it still thinks it's 1992.
Do you dig this Tracy girl or what?
Well, she seems nice, and her hair is really pretty.
Well, talk to her, then. You don't have to nail her. Just see what happens. Man, way to be uptight.
Wait, did you just give good advice?
I gotta go check the temperature in Hell.
We must draw him out. Draw him from Hell with Hell. Quickly! What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? (Points at Jefferson Twilight.)
Um...I saw my mom raped by blackulas. I was 10. She called my name. I just stood there.
Um, wow. Wait, I can hear him. More ugliness?
Once I saw two homeless guys giving each other oral sex.
Yes, he's closer! More like that.
Okay, this is really gross. Once I was out of toilet paper, so I used cotton balls. So, you know, I'm wiping, and I think my finger kinda poked through the cotton. So I—and do not ask me why—I smell my finger to check.
Gross. I see where this is going.
Quickly, Al, he's so close!
Okay, I bring it up to smell it, right. But somehow the cotton got stuck to my fingers, so when I smell my fingers, the cotton's getting stuck to my razor stubble. So then I have this shit-cotton all over my face!
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should see other people. Long distance relationships can be rough.
You are so wise, Dean. I'm gonna miss you.
[She kisses him]
Or maybe we could try a long distance relationship!
There are too many girls waiting in line. I can't hog you all to myself.
