Alright, guys, the truth of the matter is, if you don't believe in some higher power, trusting something higher than yourself, you're gonna wind up counting days. You know, believe me, I was a priest, okay? And I find more god in these rooms, even this room than I ever did working for the church, y'know? Y'know, the ability to share your sins with other sinners, that's what's gonna get you through. Even, let's say, two minutes after we walk out of this apartment Tommy goes into the kitchen and opens up a kitchen cabinet and finds a brand spankin' new bottle of Maker's Mark, if he has faith and trust, he won't drink it.
There's a bottle of Maker's Mark in one of these cabinets? [Elle smacks him] Ow! Goddamn it!
[as they are making a list of people they've hurt with their drinking] You're shittin' me, right?
My name's not in your top three?
Excuse me. How have I hurt you with my drinkin'? Give me one for instance.
I had to leave the firehouse to come get you from that club from downtown. You puked all over the inside of my Cordova.
You know, I was 14 years old and that was the first time I ever drank!
All the more reason why I should be number one.
Christmas, '86. You grabbed my left tit, Teddy!
First of all, it was a slight graze. Second of all, I drank half a bowl of eggnog that night, through a straw! Third of all, most important of all, I would never, ever do such a thing.
Hey, guys, I'm dyin', whoo! I can barely keep my eyes open, I got hammered last night. Those Long Island Iced Teas really do a number on 'ya, you know? Brutal. [Tommy and Kenny go to walk away] Hey, you wanna know how many I had? Two... and a half. Yeah, you know, it was hardcore, you know where I woke up this morning? My couch. It's pretty goddamn embarrassing, you know? I think I might have a problem.
I have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. [hands him a pamphlet]
It's a little thing we like to call the 20 questions. It's from Alcoholics Anonymous, it's kinda like a booze exam if you'd like to take it.
Okay. [reads questions from it] 'Is drinking making your home life unhappy?' It's mostly her drinking, so no. 'Do you drink because your shy with other people?' No. 'Is drinking affecting your reputation?' No. No. No. No. Why are you supposed to have yes' for this? Because if it's no's I'm gonna ace this thing.
One time in the not so distant future my cousin Mike and I are gonna take out drinking. And if we notice you like to drink and get drunk and drink to excess, and if you pass the Shea cousin's drinking exam, then you will be called an alcoholic.
Because we're all alcoholics, functioning yes, but blazin' alky's all the same.
[about taking the Chief's daughter on a date] What if she gets interested?
Well, then you give her the whole: 'Look, I'm a mess, you're so great, and I can't give you what you need. So, I'm gonna have to do the horrible thing and walk away and think about you for the rest of my life, especially when I masturbate.'
Yeah the famous Lou end to the relationship line.
[about Wyatt] He kept me up all night last night, and I couldn't find a babysitter so I had to miss Tony's gig.
Yeah, well, welcome to babyland. This is what it's like. You're finally learning, you're not ready, okay?
My own kid will be completely different.
'Cause I will actually be in love with my own baby.
Oh, right, right. Love. I forgot, you're an expert on love.
Like you know. Like you're an expert on that.
I do know. I am an expert on love. I know enough to tell you this, you the two of yous, what's his name?
Tony, okay? You think you're in love but one of these days, the two of 'ya, are gonna wake up and one of 'ya's, maybe both of 'ya's at the same time are gonna look at the other and say, 'you know what, I'm outta here.' You know, you're 18 years old, he's your first boyfriend.
Okay, well, you met mom in high school and she was 16.
Okay, you know what? We... we didn't start having sex until, you know, later.
She was pregnant with me before she even graduated.
Right. We fell in love, and then we had sex, that's-- that's how it happened. It was real love. It wasn't this, y'know, Fake Babyhead, lead singer, rock and roll love. What? Listen to me, I know what I'm talkin' about. I wasn't the lead singer in a band, okay? I had a real job.
Listen, man, real talk, deep down, you hate Tommy Gavin.
Yeah, because he's taught you everything you know about being a firefighter and the fact that he's had to save your sorry ass on more than one occasion, but deep down, despite the fact that he's an ego-maniacal self-centered son of a bitch, you wanna be just like 'em. Yeah, you wanna be Tommy Gavin. You wanna be exactly what you hate, and that's some sad shit.
GGirl
[about Tony, Colleen's boyfriend] You know, he can't even read music.
GGirl
Yeah. But, neither could John Lennon, by the way.
Yeah. [to himself] Where's Mark David Chapman when you need 'em?
Baseball and life, one and the same. Everybody says that life is too short. Bullshit. Life, unless you get cancer, hit by a bus, or set on fire,+ takes forever. Just like Baseball. Its a series of long, mind bogglingly boring stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens. So, You take a nap. Then, after a little while, when that crisp crack of the bat hitting the ball, so crisp you can almost smell the wood burning. Jolts you awake and you open your eyes to see something so exciting and intricate. Possibly very, very meaningful has just happened. But you missed it because you were just so god damn bored in the first place. Oh you know, couple of hot dogs, throw in some beers, the occasional blow job and that's that.
[about his inheritance] I already promised it to the Cancer Society.
Ugh. The Cancer Society. What's the cancer society gonna cure with your measly $100,000?
If you give it to those people, you know what they're gonna use it for?
Postage, to send letters out to other people to get more money. It's a vicious cycle, Mike. Not to mention, that they're never gonna find a cure, 'cause there isn't one. Cancer is God's disease, it's his way of thinning out the herd. And it's cruel, and mysterious and no one's ever gonna figure it out, 'cause that's the way that God likes it.
[about opening a bar] Well, if I'm providing the money, then what are you guys bringing to the table?
Dude, I got my associate's degree from Scranton... almost. I would provide the business savvy. You would be the money, I would be the brain's. Got it?
Wait a second, if your dumbass is the brains, then what the hell does that make me?
Well, we're gonna need a bouncer for sure. I mean, if Mike's the money, and I'm the brains, you would be the brawn.
Why do I gotta be the brawn?
Well, first of all, Lou told me what you did to that bum in the fire the other day. Secondly, you're Puerto Rican, kinda scary. I mean, who's gonna mess around at a bar with a big, giant scary, Puerto Rican guy standing at the door, y'know? Except maybe other Puerto Ricans, but let's be honest, we're not gonna let them in.
Whatever, man. Give me whatever title you want, I just wanna be around to watch you two humps sink this damn ship.
Alright, what do you say, Mike?
As long as I get to name the place.
Mike, Franco and I, we're buyin' a bar.
Uh, correction. Mike bought the bar, and I'm watching Garrity screw it up.
It's gonna be awesome. And if you have any suggestions Tom, we're totally open.
Uh, cool. Yeah, I got a couple. Build it on the edge of a cliff, go inside and start fixing it up and then pay somebody to come along and just push it over the side. It'll save you a lot of time and money.
Yeah, well, that's actually not gonna work 'cause we're opening it in the city.
Alright, quick quiz. You gotta pick one, you gotta lose one. Ball or eye?
Ball, or no eye. Or... ball. I mean, if you lose an eye, you can't even see your balls, so what's the point of that?
Pause, pause. I have the floor. Ball. It immediately cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
That's a good point. I'm gonna go ball.
What if you pick the wrong one?
You and Tommy are tight, right?
Well, if you mean, we're close, then yeah. In terms of actual tightness, I can only speak for myself.
So if Tommy were to find out that one of the guy's on the crew was doin' somethin' behind his back that he might not be--
Oh my God, you're sleeping with Colleen.
It-- It could only be worse if you were banging Katy. Tell me you're not banging Katy.
Of course not. I'm not banging either one of them.
Wait a minute, you just said you were sleeping with Colleen.
See, we're sleeping together but we're not like, y'know-- [makes a motion with his hand]
So you're not-- [makes a sex noise]
No, no, no. And if we ever do, I pray it won't look or sound anything like that.
So, what's the deal? Tommy's gonna kill you anyway, for just seeing her, you might as well get a little piece before you go.
Those days for me are over.
Listen, Lou, there's somethin' that you need to know about your man, Shawn, I've tapped plenty of asses in my day, good ass, and usually pretty quick. The quicker I tap it, the quicker I'm out the door. I'm looking for a real relationship here. You know, I want the sex to have value.
Well, your life's on the line, that's valuable.
Come on, you mean to tell me that you've never had a relationship where you waited to have sex?
Well, this is on purpose. The next ass I tap, is the ass I marry.
Oh, yeah, that's sweet. I'd like to see that on a sampler. But I would leave Tommy out of it, it's gonna be really hard to tap that ass from beyond the grave.
