[Alan is testing his gentleman gardener's saw on the table, despite Stephen's protests]
I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Now, before we move on, we’d like you to draw now, you should have a card if you haven’t sawn it in half. We’d like you to draw the world’s first novelty teapot.
[Alan blows the sawdust on his desk aside and coughs as it goes everywhere.]
Alan.
Sorry, it all went down... it’s quite a draught in here as it turns out.
What did I ask you to draw?
Draw the world’s first novelty teapot.
Damn, you were listening. That’s very good.
[both arms on his waist] Do you know that rhyme, "I'm a little teapot, short an stout, [looks right] here's my handle, [looks left] oh bugger, I'm a sugar bowl!"
[Stephen has explained that the best place to find new species is your own garden]
Still going rainforest. I'm sorry.
Yes, but you'd have to travel thousands of miles, you'd have to park there, you'd have to look, you'd have to, you know -
Park?!
[Audience bursts into laughter, Stephen looks as if he can't believe what he's just said]
You know when you find a bee, and it's crawling on its last legs.
I always rescue them.
You give it honey. It's the only thing they eat, makes sense when you think about it.
[audience laughter]
No point in just talking to it. Give it honey!
They're very much a one-recipe species, aren't they?
I'm intrigued, because I would, um, I generally give it a sole of my shoe. You know, not to be harsh, but…
[exasperated] You step on a struggling, crawling bee? Trying to get back to the hive?
What? As opposed to rehabilitate it?
I like honey! I have it on my porridge! You murderer!
[after the argument has gone on for a while] But isn't it true, though, that a bee, in its entire lifetime, makes absolutely tiny amount of honey overall? So you don't have to give much rehabilitating honey to this one bee before the nation, the world, is making a net loss! I mean, it's useless. If you only get one teaspoon of honey from a whole bee's lifetime, and every time you have to get it back on its feet it takes a teaspoon and a half, suddenly there's no honey at all! You're insulting it apart from anything else! It's like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral!
What makes Australian spiders so dangerous?
It’s their cunning and their organisation, Stephen. And the fact they’re willing to put the man hours in. They will stalk you for weeks, they’ll look for patterns in your behaviour, and they’ll strike when you least expect it.
What use is a goose?
[dead serious] Is it toilet paper? [general laughter] No, seriously. Is it - [more laughter]
Sandi, that is bizarre. Why do you say that?
Well, because I once read this book by Rabelais, I think it was called Gargantua. And he recommended that the best thing for toilet paper was a live goose. And I have yet to check in to a five-star hotel without a sense of disappointment.
So that's the uses of gooses or the eese of geese.
Is the next question on the habits of rabbits?
Oh, I wish that it were.
How far can you shove a dove?
Hats of cats. That's my offer.
[On giraffes]
So there you are. There are these beautiful animals, and they are graceful and sweet and long eyelashes and sexy and rather desirable in many ways…
Good thing you're tall.
What's the commonest cause of death among mountain goats?
[hitting his buzzer] BRIAN BLESSED.
[About gerbils]
You can freeze them and then, er, hit them over a wall with a cricket bat.
Which popular game traditionally ends with all of the participants being thrown into a lake of fiery sulfur?
I hope it's show jumping. I hate show jumping!
[On Ouija boards]
…But the reference in the Bible to the fiery lake or whatever is from Revelations, where it does say that those who practice the magic arts will be cast into burning sulfur.
How about balloon animals?
The punishment for people who do balloon animals is not specified in the Book of Revelations.
I think it's loneliness, their punishment
You could do it with other sports, couldn't you, though?
Yeah, go on.
I don't know. Chugby.
Chugby?
Chess and rugby.
Chess and rugby. I like that.
Darts and swimming.
Ooh.
Swarts.... Or dimming.
Or dimming.
Underwater darts. Would that work?
Oh, yes, I like the sound of that.
Or... Darts at swimmers.
Friends of mine, back in Wales, quite a few of them have got Welsh - it's not a famous voice but it's a Welsh SatNav, which basically goes, you know -
In Welsh language?
No, no, no, just with Welsh attitude. Welsh approach to life. Or death. "Turning coming up now in about forty yards, get ready for it. Getting a bit closer now, get ready, here it comes. [with utter disappointment] Ohh, you plank! You've missed it. [bored, motioning with his finger] Now, do a u-ie, do a u-ie. Do it! No - don't - oh, [cynical] pull over, attach a hose pipe to the exhaust and just end it all."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.