Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[On the novel The DaVinci Code]
... and I use the word books very loosely, like... The DaVinci Code. (spits) It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.
He was a blues singer... "Please welcome Lou Stool Water!"
[Bill Bailey presses his steel guitar buzzer]
One in thirty million people risk dying by being murdered, the risk of choking to death is one in a hundred and twenty million, the risk of dying by tea cosy is one in twenty billion. There is, however, a one in two hundred and fifty seven thousand chance of you dying today during this programme.
… What have you got planned for Round Two?
What is three times more dangerous than war?
...three wars?
You are three times more likely to die at work than at war.
Does that include soldiers?
There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution, that two members of the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.
That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!
They were French.
[on the Darwin Awards]
It's the reason they should allow people to walk down the railway tracks if they so wish. If they can't work out a train's coming... [shrugs]
Right.
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine. [points around audience] You know who you are.
Another dangerous sport is russian roulette of course.
That's dangerous. In the early days, you had a musket. You'd only have the one.
D'you know what you should drink with the beating heart of a cobra? This is a dish in China where you get a cobra—and it's brought to the table alive. They then slice it open, rip the heart out, and it's beating on the plate there—you have to chase it round the plate, I s'pose—and then you drink the blood of the snake as the wine.
Actually, I ordered the lasagne …
I had occasion to hire a theatrical duck, once …
A luvvie duck!
In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal, but the most expensive was a pelican.
Was it an enormous bill?
Name something quite interesting that kangaroos can’t do.
They can’t drive.
....good evening and welcome to QI, for another tentative sniff at the enormous bottom of knowledge.
[on the differences between cats and dogs]
Cats mating, it can be a quite exclusive little gang, whereas dogs, they can run riots, so you could have a Great Dane with a Chihuahua.
It's a nice image.
It would involve a stepladder. Or a ditch.
What's the most interesting thing a dog can smell?
[presses buzzer] A dog's dinner?
Yes. To a dog that is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.
Other than that, another dog's bottom.
Yeah. Oh.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - BOTTOMS]
Oh, there you are. Oh, no.
My crotch. [laughter] Well, they all do.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - BOLLOCKS]
Can you blame them? They're only flesh and blood...
What comes before a German Bight?
[presses buzzer] A German Bark.
Yeah, ho.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - GERMAN BARK]
You were thinking of J.S., possibly.
No, they never bark when they're going to attack you. It's when they go quiet, that's when you have to worry.
Germans?
[On the Silbo Gomero whistling language]
Do you know how they communicate across valleys?
Shout.
Mobile phone.
[grinning] No... Not... It's a language they use, but instead of their vocal cords, they...
Fart?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
