RORudy One
[Headbutts a nun in hallway] Oh, no. That's really bad. Mmm!
You just head-butted a nun.
RORudy One
Hail Mary, full of grace...
It's fine. She's... She's an evil bitch nun! [Gut kicks the nun]
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I don't care how evil and bitchy she is. I'm not... I'm not kicking a nun. That's seven years' bad luck.
Rudy?
Nadine!
I'm in here.
[Busts open door] I'm here to rescue you from the clutches of the evil bitch nuns. Get back! Come on, we've gotta go. [Takes her hand and they run away]
[Opens door to Jess holding a beer bottle] I- I- I thought you were on your community service.
We all ditched it because we had to rescue Rudy's nun. Some other evil bitch nuns were holding her prisoner. [Referring to beer] You got another one of those?
[From bedroom] Alex. [Jess walks past Alex]
Jess.
You fucking prick.
Who's she?
I thought I was his girlfriend.
I'm... I'm sorry. [Reaches for her hand]
Don't fucking touch me! [Shoves, walks past and slaps Alex]
Jess.
You've got a girlfriend?! Yeah, you're so full of shit!
[Sitting on couch in Finn's community centre room] You need a new TV.
Yeah, I'm aware of that. [Abbey grabs his crotch and he coughs on his beer]
That's my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Do I wanna fuck you? Well... Hmm. Well, that's a very interesting question, with... many possible answers. Well, two answers.
Do you need some time to think about your feelings for Jess?
Who said I had feelings for Jess? There's... There's no feelings. Not on her part. It's your call.
Let me know when you make your decision.
Are you saying you like me?
Hmm... I need to fuck you to find out. It's a process of elimination. And they said romance is dead. If you don't want to, that's cool.
That's not what I said, eh? Let's not be hasty... you, let's just... weigh up all the angles, you know, do a bit of geometry. Okay. Yeah, let's fuck.
Mmm?
Hmm-mm. You can start by rubbing my tit.
Any particular one?
You choose. [Finn rubs her left breast] Mmm.
[After a session] So, am I the one?
Technically it really wasn't too bad. It's just for me, it was completely lacking in passion and emotion.
Really?
Yeah. It's always like that. But look on the bright side. At least you got to come in me, so that's a gooey silver lining.
Mmm. So, is that it?
Looks that way. [She grabs his hand and they shake hands]
Is there any paperwork I have to complete?
Why would there be any paperwork?
Forget it.
For such a little guy, you've weirdly weighty balls.
[Finn opens door to her] What's going on?
It's all right, we've finished shagging.
Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
You like me?
[Comes in front door] Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
I'm sorry.
What did you do to her?
You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Just fuck off!
You heard her! Go!
Seriously, get out my face.
[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
Jess. Stop. Jess.
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
RORudy One
[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
No.
RORudy One
What's that?
It's them.
Who?
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Seriously?
When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
RORudy One
I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
RORudy One
[Spots the four harbringer on BMX bikes on a hill] Shit!
They're coming for us.
But they haven't even got horses!
Who has a horse around here? I suppose the Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse doesn't quite have the same ring to it. [The four harbringers chase the community servers]
[In community centre] Shit! He's cut me! I'm dying!
It's just a graze, man!
Oh' What' so YOU'RE a doctor now?!
RORudy One
Shut up!
Abbey, are you okay?
I was so scared. Shit-my-knickers terrified. As he was about to kill me, I've never felt so alive.
[Hiding in locker room] I'm sorry.
You were a much better boyfriend when you had a vagina.
This is why we can never be together. It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
RORudy One
No, listen, sweetheart, listen, stop it. Stop it. Calm down. Don't say those things. We are gonna sort this out, we're gonna deal with the bollocksing Horsemen of the Apocalypse, we're gonna fix your power, then we are going on holiday, 'cause I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
[Comes in locker room to find Alex dying from being impaled by a harbringer] It's just a graze.
My bad. We need to get him to a hospital. I'm gutted we're all gonna die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you and your emotional honesty. Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
I'm sure we're all gonna be fine. Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
RORudy One
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
If she dies, they die. It's her power.
They're right.
RORudy One
No, they're not right. They're fucking... You're wrong.
It's my fault. I brought them here.
RORudy One
No. No good. You're good and pure. D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat... cowardly, selfish, violent, a world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginas and just splatters on the floor. You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss. And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals. I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the situation of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
RORudy One
One for all, all for one, and a nun. My nun. My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me?
Looks that way. So, who goes out there first? Someone's gotta be first out the door.
RORudy One
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
I'm really glad I met you.
RORudy One
What? [Nadine runs out locker room to four harbringers] Oh, no. No! [Harbringer plunges sword into Nadine] No! Nadine. Don't. No... Oh... [Four harbringers disappear and Rudy walks ahead sobbing] No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. [Sobs] Ohh... No... [sobs]
RORudy One
This is all wrong, this. I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it. I always wanted a BMX. I just remembered that! I just remembered something. That's a clue. To what? To my true identity. Okay, think... BMX.
RORudy One
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Hello? Is he okay? Jesus, um... I don't know his family. I know he's a barman. Yeah... I'm on my way. OK. Bye. [Hangs up]That was the hospital. It's Alex. He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him...
[Rides BMX into wall] Ah! They're giving him a lung transplant.
RORudy One
Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be getting a transplant round here.
Why's that?
RORudy One
Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seeing this one time, right, and she had an heart transplant. She only ended up getting herself a teleportation power. And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is gonna be fine.
RORudy One
What's the chance of it happening again, really?
Alex is out of surgery. He's going to be okay.
RORudy One
Ah! Get in mate! Well done. I tell you now, I never doubted it for a second. The handsome barman lives.
RORudy One
[Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!
You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.
RORudy One
I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.
Yeah, that's you all over.
RORudy One
And then they cast me out.
And why were you cast out?
RORudy One
I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [A uniformed girl scout walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick! Shit. [Looks down] Is he still staring? He's really staring.
He's gone.
RORudy One
Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys. You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts. The first time I ever saw another boy's penis. Scouts. First time I touched another boy's penis. Scouts. First time another boy touched my penis.
Scouts?
RORudy One
It was in Scouts! It was in Scou... happy, sunlit days is what they were. [Referring to a female scout] Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.
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