Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Rudy, Seth and Curtis are all lying in cots in the recreation centre atrium]
[Seth is unsettled] Excalibur... stop making me do things... that I don't want to do. Ohh! Goodness me.
[Shines flashlight at Rudy] Are you knocking one out?
No. It's just a quick cheeky one, get me to sleep. I have to feed the monster, man. Tell him.
It's a sedative, innit? Just hurry up and finish, man.
Fucking...Barbara!
You are going to go blind.
That's what me old headmaster, Mr Gibbons, used to say to me, until some nasty little shit threw sulphuric acid into his face. Who's laughing, [points to face with both hands] and seeing, now? 'Cause it's not him.
Just get on with it, you silly little prick!
Whoa! I'm a storyteller, love. I'm merely trying to paint a vivid picture for me audience here.
[Walks into store room and finds Michael's body with his left hand dismemebered] Where's the briefcase? Which one of you fuckers took the case?!
I don't know anything about it. How do we know you didn't take the case?
'Cause I know what I did and didn't do, and I know I didn't take the case. [Spots Rudy pointing at him and grabs him by shirt] It was you, wasn't it?!
So, you think I've crept in here in the middle of the night while you were sleeping and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?
I think that's exactly what you did.
Do you? All right, then, genius. If I took the case, then why am I still here? [Turns head to Curtis] Sorry, what?! What was that?! [Taps Curtis forehead] Not as clever as you think, are you? Smackdown!
You're still here because you need the combination to the briefcase, and this guy is the only one who has it!
All right, yeah, that's a good point.
So, whoever did take the case is probably close by waiting for Stumpy to regain consciousness.
Also true.
We need to search the community centre.
Oh, you beat me to it. I was just about to say that.
It was Seth. He took the case, didn't he?
Why do you say that?
I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He's sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about you behind your back. He's all this; [mimics Seth] His cock's like a little fuckin' slug.
Did he... Did he say that?
Mm-hm.
What? Has he seen... Has he seen my cock? Well, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [They clink drink cans in pride over plan]
[Scene becomes office] So, you were going to drug this guy Seth, but it was Curtis... He was the one in the freezer?
You seem just as obsessed with the briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.
All right, you've... you've got me. Busted. I believe I am what is commonly referred to as an unreliable narrator. Mmm? See, Curtis was right. I did sneak out in the middle of the night white they were dreaming their happy little dreams.
So, having gone to investigate the mysterious noise, I returned to the room... only to find... that the case had vanished. So, I go back to sleep... well, I slipped in a cheeky little sunrise wank, and then I acted all dumb, yeah? Innocent. And do you know what? You were right, mate. It wasn't me and Curtis having a little chat by the vending machine. It was me and Seth. [Scene becomes hallway] It was Curtis. He's the one who took the case, isn't he?
Why do you say that?
I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He is sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It's all this. [Mimics Curtis] Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit?
He said that about Kelly?
Huh...
Two-faced bastard. So, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [Scene becomes office] How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... "Cahoots" is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the community centre this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they're on community service. Can you see where I'm going with all this?
You lost me at "cahoots".
Unbelievable. He's spiked our drinks. No! [Drops glass on floor]
When was this?
Let's not beat ourselves up about it. I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you with me devious cunning, for I have been spinning you a yarn this whole time, just waiting for the drugs to kick in, which should be right about now-ish. [Finn sits on couch and Jess sits in chair] Easy. Go with it. Just let it wash over you. It's like a gentle autumn breeze. [Jess keels over and Rudy sits on couch besides Finn, puts arm on his shoulders] Ooh... Eh? Sleepy-time for Bobos. [Kisses him on head]
[Finn and Jess wake up in coffin freezer]
What the fuck?!
Who is that? Is that you?
Of course it's me! Who else would it be?
Oh, my God. What's that? There's something moving in me hand.
That's my tit!
Oh, sorry.
Just stop touching my tits!
I was trying to find me phone.
It's not in my bra! [Shines phone] There's no signal. You?
Never when you really need it.
[Shouts] Help! Help!
Shh. Hey. Relax. He's just messing with us. This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know, like in those posh private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other's shit?
You are so naive. You're a pedophile's wet dream. "Hey, little boy. Do you want to come with me into the bushes and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?" What?
Wasn't in the bushes. It was at me uncle's house. He had this... big, old house in the country. It was surrounded by cornfields. It was beautiful. I used to stay there in the summer when I was a kid. Every night, me uncle came to my room. I can still feel him on top of me... the smell of whisky and cigarettes on his breath... After he raped me... I'd feel his tears falling on me face... like salty rain. I'm joking.
You prick! I thought you were being serious. [Hits him] You dick!
Ow! Jesus!
Why would you do that?
I was trying to lighten the mood.
You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?
I'm just saying. It could be worse. You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary rapist uncle. Suddenly, things don't seem quite so bad.
[Shouts] Help! Help!
I've done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
What did he say?
He said "ouch" and "fuck you".
So, what do we do with him?
Put him on ice until he's ready to talk.
Is it just me, or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?
I'm going to die in a freezer on my first day of community service. I thought I'd have kids, grow old and ugly. I'd die in my sleep with all my family around me.
I always thought I'd die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing. I'm off me head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she's horribly disfigured. Sadie?
Who's Sadie?
Me dog. If I die, who's going to feed me dog? Are you dying?
I... I really need a wee. I have a small bladder.
Don't mind me, if you want to...
I'm not going to piss myself in front of you.
What if we piss ourselves in front of each other? There's no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize? On the count of three?
Oh, this can't be happening.
Are you pissing in your pants or are you getting it out?
I'll be pissing in my pants.
Okay! I'm going to just... There he is. All right? Here we go. On three...
Will you please just shut the fuck up and let me piss myself?
I really hope you don't need a shit. [Rudy and Seth open freezer door and dump in Michael]
What are you doing?! We don't know anything about any briefcase!
We just want to go home and watch Countdown! I've got a dog!
We're going to die in here.
What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their community service?
I believe you'll find there's no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there?
[Community servers are burying Michael's body]
Hey, how about that, then? That's quite a tale, that is. Took twists and turns, didn't it? New powers [Pointing at Finn]. A hint of sexual possibilities [Looking at Jess]. Tears, laughter, horribly graphic violence. Oh, mate, mutilated testicles! [Immorally laughs] Yes. Something for all the family.
[Walking on recreation centre promenade up to Greg] Who are you?
I'm your new probation worker.
How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?
Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?
Cor, I have no idea.
[Scoffs] I mean, well, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge.
Is it okay if I leave early? I've got a dog at home. I need to let her out for a shit.
[Starts laughing with community servers smiling] Have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?
No.
And his probation worker...
Go on.
[His composure becomes stern] He hunted him down... he pinned him to the floor... and he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon. I'm sure she can wait. You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. [Mimics sound of steam engine train] I think we'll get along great. And you... I really like you.
Huh. Whatever.
Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
That's definitely new.
Why did he single me out? Why me?
Well, don't sweat it, man. Chances are he'll be dead by the end of week.
[Greets his bound and gagged wife on bed in apartment] Sadie? I'm home. You're not going to believe the day I've had. It was totally insane. I mean, off the scale. How was your day? Tell you what, why don't I make us a sandwich, and I'll, er, tell you all about it?
So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like, "When are you going to pay your rent?" And I was all like, "I ain't going to pay it and what are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes. Cause they've kicked me out of me flat and they've repossessed it.
So where did you sleep?
Oh! So, I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo. I get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers. When I say hers. Have you ever shagged a homeless girl?
No.
It's like camping. Honestly, reminded me of being a boy scout. Looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there. While she... Oh, she sat on my face. Where am I going with this? Can I stay at your for an indefinite period of time, rent-free, please?
No. [Rudy turns to Jess]
I'm very tempted. Um... I guess my question is would we get to have regular sex?
That could certainly be arranged. [Pause] You're being... get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read. Dude, you can't have me wandering the streets, man. D'you know what happened to the Littlest Hobo? He got raped. I'm making that up, he didn't get raped. It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?! "Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc..." [Finn comes in locker room] Whoa! What time do you call this?
I- I had to take me dog to the vet.
Did you? Did you now? Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars. Oh, dude, I'm joking. Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ. [Laughs sheepishly]
What's that on your neck?
Nothing. It's all scratched. It's a scratch. People get scratched all the time. It happens.
What have you been doing?
Nothing.
Maybe he was trying to hang himself.
Why would I try and hang myself?
Because you are short. [Walking out] Don't do it.
This is a sculpting class for the blind. And you, God help them, will be their models.
[To Jess in a seducing manner] Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
That zip goes down one more inch and me and you are gonna go toe-to-toe.
Denied.
Gutted.
They might not be able to see you, but I can. I can see into your souls.
[To Curtis after fighting with Rudy for Ally's model seat] Hi. Is everything all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. So, um, you're gonna be sculpting me? If that's all right with you?
I'm Ally.
Curtis. I'll... I'll take you anywhere you wanna go.
It's my first time doing anything like this. I think I'm supposed to feel your face.
Oh! Go for it.
You've got lovely skin.
You are bang out of order, mate!
Yeah? And how's that?
Because you're exploiting her disabilities and y- you are playing your...sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.
There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. D'you know what it says?
No.
It says.... oh, now, now... settle it like gentlemen.
And how's that?
A game of Penis, Scissors, Twat.
Is that like Paper, Scissors, Stone?
N... They stole that from me. The question is, are you a man or are you a vagina? [Curtis stares in disbelief] Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.
Can you please stop saying "vagina"?
Yes.
What d'you call yours? [Silence] Forget I asked.
All right, let's do this. Best out of three.
One, two, three. [Curtis does scissors]
[Covers Curtis's hand with both hands] That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
