“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Lori Beth Denberg

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe. Who's this guy Moe, and why is he so eenie, meenie, and miney? It is better to have loved and lost...than to have your face licked by circus clowns. If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. If I had an arm growing out of my head, I'd be Armhead McGhee, private detective. It's a weird thing to sit in a pot of boiling water, and then shout, "Hey, everybody! Come have a bowl of chicken noodle me"!

[singing] "Mi-mi-mi...oh, I like to scrub in the tub, 'cause I can play in the bubbles, and wash away my troubles; oh, bath-time sure is fun!"

No, no; I am no Mrs.. You see, the name is, Lester Oaks, Construction Worker.

What is all the dirt-mud about?

Oh; well, I was just outside, burying some...thing...

"Have y'all caught the midnight train to Georgia? Now, I'm the cutest, and I got the biggest afro, so we will continue to be called...'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'"

"Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis. I'm Detective Dan".

Lucy, I'm home!

Ricky!

Lucy, you bought that new hat!

Yes; doesn't it look smart?

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times; no more new hats!

But, Ricky...I saw it in the window at Gimble's and I just had to have it.

Lucy, we simply cannot afford it. Now, you just have to take it back.

But, Ricky...

Take it back.

No. I won't do it.

Fine. I'll do it.(He takes the hat off of her head, and she starts crying; somebody knocks at the door, and Ricky opens it) Lucy, look. It's Fred and Ethel Mertz, our wacky next-door neighbors.

Ah, for corn's sakes, what's the matter with Lucy now?

Aw, she's all mad 'cause I won't let her have this new hat.

Ethel, I bet Fred would let you buy a new hat.

Are you kidding? It's been 10 years since Fred let me buy new underwear.

Well, I guess if I can't have a new hat, then I'll have to put this trophy on my head.(She does so; the trophy completely covers her head)

Lucy! Take the trophy off your head!

Oh, all right.(She tries to take off the trophy; it's stuck) It's stuck!

Oh, no!

Hang on, honey. We'll help you.

All right. I'll grab her; you two pull.

One...two...three...

Aw, c'mon, honey. Let's go down to my apartment and bake something.

Women...ai, yai-yai, yai-yai...

Yep. Women. Can't live with 'em...can't stand 'em.

Hello? What; that's wonderful!(He hangs up) Fred, I have wonderful news!

Ethel fell down the stairs?

No; that was my agent! There's a big Hollywood movie producer, and he wants me to be in his new picture! He's on his way right now!

A big Hollywood movie producer comin' here to see you! Holy Toledo.

He'll be here any minute; uh, I'd better go get ready!(He departs)

I'll help you with your pants!

Wonderful!

Ricky...it's me, the big Hollywood movie producer!

Be right down! Have a seat!

'Kay.(The producer sits down on the couch, and Lucy and Ethel return)

Ethel! Look!

There's a strange man on your couch!

He must be a burglar!

Put a bucket on his head!

Right!(She does so)

Spin him...I'll get my saxophone!(Lucy grabs her saxophone and plays)

Grab him!

Good job, girl!

C'mon!

I'll get my frying pan!

I'll get the turkey!(Ethel hits the producer with the turkey; Lucy hits him with the frying pan; Ethel kicks him in his right shin; Lucy prepares to punch him) Give it to him, Lucy!

Nice punch.

Thanks, girl. Let's go tell the boys.

Where's the Hollywood movie producer?

Hollywood movie producer?!

Lucy...you got some 'splainin' to do!

"Now, surrender your ship."

"NEVER!"

"Then I will make you do more unpleasant things!"

[singing] "Things aren't good...things are bad...Singo's feeling very sad..."

"Stop it!"

"Did you see that? Singo! Sing something else!"

[singing] "Okay, Captain, have no fear; just tell me what you wanna hear!"

"Stop the singing; it's killing me!"

"Wait a minute. Whenever Singo sings...it harms Crouton!"

All right, class. Today, we will be discussing popular music. Now, who can tell me the name of the very first CD ever released by Boyz II Men?

All right, um...Harpo?

Oh, yes! Okay, all right, the very first CD by Boyz II Men was called "II".

Noooo...it's "Cooleyhighharmony".

No! You're wrong, man! It was called "II"!

"Cooleyhighharmony"!

"II"!

"Cooleyhighharmony"!

"II"!

Oh! "Cooleyhighharmony"!

Oh! I hate you!

You make me sad!

Okay; fine, Balthazar! Okay; so, like, you think that Boyz II Men's first CD was called "Cooleyhighharmony". But I know who can settle this, man.

Chuh-guh!

Hey! Boyz II Men! Okay, men, Balthazar there says that your first CD was entitled "Cooleyhighharmony", but I think that it was called "II". So, who's right?

Well, Harpo, I hate to tell you this, but, um, Balthazar is right.

Yeah. Our first CD was called "Cooleyhighharmony"; the second one was entitled "II".

Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, you know, like, "II"..."II", the second...second album.

I feel so foolish.

"Peter sharpens pencils the old-fashioned way. Flem sharpens pencils in different parts of his body."

"Peter exercises every day. He runs over five miles. Flem runs from the police."

"After dinner, Peter enjoys a fresh piece of fruit for dessert, like an apple. Flem eats a bag of sugar."

"Peter makes excuses to go to the restroom. Flem's going to the restroom right now."

"Peter turns off his TV set using a remote control. Flem uses a brick."

"Peter always brushes his teeth before going to bed. Flem brushes his hobo."

"Peter likes to grow nice plants and flowers. Flem grows things under his arms."

"Peter likes to read. Flem can't."

"Every day after school, Peter walks his dog, Fido. Flem walks his grandmother."

"After doing his homework, Peter relaxes by watching public television. Flem watches underwear."

"Peter spends his free time reading books and building model airplanes. Flem plays with raw bacon."

"Oh, yeah; celebrate! Celebrate! It's about time ya popped that pimple! Oh, every time I look at it, it makes me think of the Moon! Oh, I'm so happy! The only thing worser than that ol' crazy-lookin' pimple...is my sad...miserable life."

"Kids gotta have a bedtime, so they get plenty of sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep--"

"You on some kinda medical problem?!"

"Yes."

"It figures."

"Who are you?"

"I...am Velcro. And I am angry."

"See?"

"All right, VELCRO! Why have you attacked us?!"

"I have issues!"

"Okay. But...will you please not attack us again?"

"Oh, sure! You're all polite to him..."

[singsong] "We caught a Kobe..."

We have paid people to tell you how great The Brute really is!

I used to be Bruteless; now, I have The Brute. [The Brute knocks her out]

Thanks to The Brute, I no longer have to pay for haircuts.

Hi. My name's Lester Oaks, Construction Worker, and I never had a date before I met The Brute. [The Brute, dressed as a woman, appears, and screams in disgust] Pardon me, The Brute! [Lester tries to hug him, but The Brute backs away]

This is me before The Brute. [now looking beaten-up, with a black eye, a neck brace, her right arm in a sling, her hair disheveled, and her clothing in tatters]: This is me after The Brute. Thank you, The Brute.