AAnnouncer (Soup)
And now, a special musical performance.
LOLittle Orphan Annie [Johnson, singing]
♪The sun should come out…tomorrow…bet a lot of dollars that…♪
(Plaster falls out of the ceiling and lands all over her)
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
(A man [Dan Schneider] gets out of bed late at night and goes into the kitchen for a snack; his refrigerator is oozing purple slime [this is the only colored aspect of this particular sketch; otherwise, the sketch is black-and-white], and when he opens the door, he screams in horror; cut to a scientist and a police officer examining the slime on the floor)
STScientist [Thompson]
Don’t touch it!
PRPolice officer [Reyes]
Do you know what it is?
SScientist
I’m almost certain, but we have to talk to the family.
(Cut to them questioning the man's wife, son, and daughter)
OOfficer
What did you eat for dinner last night, ma’am?
MDMother [Denberg]
Leftover meatloaf.
SScientist
For lunch?
SSSon [Server]
Leftover meatloaf and cheese.
OOfficer
For breakfast?
DJDaughter [Johnson]
Leftover meatloaf and eggs.
SScientist
What kind of meat was it?
I’m not sure. It was mostly loaf.
OOfficer
When did you first cook it?
SSon
Wednesday.
Tuesday.
Three weeks ago, Monday.
SScientist
I knew it. It confirms my test.
What is it?
SScientist
It’s G. L. O. R. P.!
FFamily
What?!
SScientist
That’s right…Gooey Left Over Refrigerator Pus. Better known as…G. L. O. R. P..
But what’s happened to my husband?!
SScientist
It’s very simple. You see, the diatical chloride crystals in the thermostatic fluid of today’s refrigerators metamorphosizes the free radicals in any food left over for 7 consecutive days.
OOfficer
In other words, if you don’t eat it, it eats you.
DDaughter (sadly)
The G. L. O. R. P. ate my Daddy?!
SScientist
No, not all of him; probably just his brain.
SNScientist [noticing that the purple slime has formed a trail]
I found the trail; c’mon.
(The scientist has noticed a trail of purple slime leading from the refrigerator to the closet in the kitchen; everybody follows it, and suddenly they hear what appears to be an ambulance siren)
The ambulance is here!
SScientist
That’s no ambulance.
(He opens the door; inside, the father [Schneider] is making the siren noise)
SScientist
That’s the work of G. L. O. R. P..
The events you’ve just witnessed are real, and can happen to you. Only the names have been changed to protect the G. L. O. R. P.. So, remember, the next time you leave leftovers in your refrigerator, be careful, beware, and be…
(The narrator also begins to imitate an ambulance siren)
SUSteve Urkel #1 [Bates]
Laura, my sweet, are you out there; can you hear me, my darling?
SUSteve Urkel #2 [Mitchell]
Who said that?
SUSteve Urkel #1
Who wants to know?
SUSteve Urkel #2
Me, that’s who!
SUSteve Urkel #1
Why, you’re not me; I’m me!
SUSteve Urkel #2
Oh, yeah? Puh-roove it!
SUSteve Urkel #1
My, my; what a gorgeous vision of loveliness!
SUSteve Urkel #2
Did I do that?
SSinbad (cameo)
Who are those kids?
You *won't* impress the school principal by telling him, You're a pretty school principal...pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty; yes, you are....
ASAnnouncer [Soup]
Not quite live, but ready for primetime! Get ready...get set...it's All That!
BCBill Cosby
Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day".(He often brought a bowl of vanilla pudding) If you like cheese, then I suggest you try one of the any new cheese-flavored yellow puddings. We got Parmesan pudding, we got Provolone pudding, and Mozzarella pudding, and also Munster pudding (which I enjoy every Halloween).
ASAnnouncer [Soup]
"Fresh out the box! Stop, look, and watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!"
LSLemonade Scammer [after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]
Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what?
[to a customer] Thirsty?
CSCustomer [Server]
Lemonade, please.
Five bucks.
CCustomer
Five bucks? That's a lot of money.
Well, you seem a lot of thirsty.
LSLemonade Scammer [crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]
My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy!
LSLemonade Scammer [crying]
I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade!
[to the security guard] Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly. (Security guard falls asleep.) Oh, well; close enough.
OCOther character [Denberg]
(sneezes)
"WALLY-WALLY-WOO!"
"In my foreign land, it is only proper that when one sneezes, you shout and dive behind furniture."
Girls don't like it when boys take their sandwich and run away screaming, "Hey, look who's got your sandwich now!". When you cough something up, never take it to school and tell people it's your new friend...Robert. Don't pour soup on yourself and then run around shouting, "HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME; I'M...SOUPGIRL!" Never put glue on a cow and then taunt him by saying, "Sticky cow, sticky cow; WOO-OO, sticky cow!"
BTMr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider]
Ed, E-E-Ed, Ed? Listen closely now. It's very important that you sell as many Good Weenies as possible.
EEd
Oh; have I ever let you down?
Yes; many times. Oh, here come some customers. Now, remember; sell, sell, sell! Good luck.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.