“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me. A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it. What do you believe in?

Piper Chapman

Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out. But you know, if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist. Which is not to say I'm not spiritual -

You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop. You believe in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat at restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him.

She disrespected me. Now I'm gonna have to kill her.

[to Red] None of this is how it's supposed to go. You're tougher than woodpecker lips. You'll be okay.

Sam Healy

Another holiday. Can you believe this?

I can, because I have eyes. And a calendar. Healy, if you ever call an inmate's family again with your lesbian witch hunt shit, I will destroy you, your mail order bride will leave you, and you will never work again. Get some fucking therapy, man.

[to Chapman] You're the devil, and I'm the angel of God. I mean, look at my dress!

Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass. There's plains and corn and a shit ton of white people who don't vote in their best interest.

Piper Chapman

I was a demanding poochie.

Piper Chapman

He's a hit man? Oh I thought he was a rapist. I'm so relieved!

According to this aptitude test, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger or a correctional officer.

You're a good son. Not great, but pretty good.

I'll take it.

Poussey Washington

Man, I thought special guests meant like Mo'Nique or Wesley Snipes or somethin'. Not some cigarette-hawkin' fuck-nut reminding us that the only people who want to hire felons are already hated by everybody else.

Nah, see, they ain't so bad. See, people can decide for theyselves if they wanna smoke. The real evil are them companies killin' us without consent. Monsanto. Rio Tinto. Big Pharma, BP, Halliburton. I been readin' there's some dark shit goin' down. Not that any of 'em motherfuckers ever wanna hire us. But the real criminals, they don't bother with us small-timers.

[to Taystee] Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies. "Where's my present?" "Pay attention to me", "Give me things", " "Fix the heat", "Build a gym". I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up!

Sometimes people just don't want to play with you, and that's okay.

Lorna Morello

What kind of woman doesn't want to pick her own date?

One that doesn't get excited about the wedding industrial complex and society's bullshit need to infantilize grown women.

[to Crazy Eyes about Piper] At the end of the day, you are a garden rose and that bitch is a weed.