Do you know what kind of cake you want?
C Claire
Absolutely. Something traditional, something very old school, you know, very romantic. But wait, now I'm thinking, you guys are so cool. What if we did something with a weird, hipster Williamsburg vibe?
So you want an obnoxious cake on a trust fund wearing an ironic T-shirt with HPV?
C Claire
But wait, now I'm thinking... pastels for spring! Oh, but wait, now I'm thinking... colors. I love clowns.
Wow, she changes her mind more than I change my underwear.
There's the gorgeous bride! Your dress is beautiful! It's a beautiful dress to get married in right now in the next room.
C Claire
No, I hate it. I'm taking it off. I'm not wearing this dress—or that one, or that one. Because I'm thinking, marriage is stupid.
Stupid beautiful, and everyone should do it.
C Claire
Nope. It's not for me. Like underwear.
Let's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week. My high was getting a particularly interesting Snapple Fact. And my low was—
I'll go. My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it. Max, your high?
I certainly am. And my low will be when it wears off.
Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy G-string, and my low was seeing his junk.
My low is this meeting. And my high is when it wraps up.
Can everybody take this serious— [accidentally hits his crotch on the backrest of a chair] [high-pitched] I have a new low.
[chuckles] I have a new high!
Me too! [high-fives Caroline]
Everybody, please! Han just clearly injured his vagina.
We can't afford to lose this lease. As soon as they find out this Lester Donovan is no longer living there, the rent will get higher than Justin Bieber on a plane with his dad.
[Caroline asks Max for money so she can bet on a horse race, and Max says she's addicted to gambling]
I am not addicted! Now, where's your cash? 'Cause it wasn't in your piggy bank, which someone, not me, broke.
You think you don't have a problem? Then, fine, you can have the money.
You won't be sorry. Where is it?
Have to. Last time I let them out at night, they didn't come home till 4 a.m. and couldn't tell me where they'd been.
Max, just take it out of there, please.
Nope, I'll tell you what I tell every guy who wants to get in there: It's 12 bucks for adults and 10.50 for seniors.
[after taking money out of Max's bra] I promise I'll never do that again.
That's what my Uncle Hank said.
No, I meant I'll never ask you for money again.
That's what Uncle Hank's wife said.
Now I feel like you read the transcript of Uncle Hank's case.
Max, I have a surprise, and it's right behind you.
Before I turn around, is it Oprah? 'Cause I will die!
It's a diploma from pastry school!
No, seriously, what's the surprise? I'll even take Gayle.
Look, I am not a pastry school graduate. I'm not even a high school graduate. The only thing I graduated from was a scared straight program, which is why I'm not gay anymore.
Max, you really didn't graduate? I always thought you were kidding about dropping out of high school, like when you say that Howard Stern is your dad.
'Cause he is ! Look at our eyes. And I did drop out. I was like, "Later, suckas! I'll find a water fountain somewhere else."
Water fountains? Gross. In private school, we never bent down to put our mouths on something unless it had a yacht.
I didn't need a piece of paper from high school, and I don't need this fake piece of paper, because I don't fake things. Except orgasms with guys who don't know how to yank hair good.
[A television producer approaches Max and Caroline about shooting an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians at their cupcake window]
Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.
I'll give you five good reasons: Kim, Kamber, Klondike... and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.
Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.
It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kylie, and Kendall.
That mother has some nerve, naming a kid who's probably never even read a book "Kindle."
We need this! Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians . It's like Dancing with the Stars , but without the stars. So, Dancing with the Stars .
Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate, 'cause I've never seen it.
Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... keep up. Yeah, okay, I've never seen it either.
I'm so excited! Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy! You've never seen it.
Please call me by my new name, Khlamydia Kardashian.
Don't say anything stupid like that.
I won't have to say anything . Kris will see me and recognize me as one of her own, with my lips, my boobs, and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.
[Caroline wakes up to a strange man in the apartment]
I warn you, I was in the Nutcracker Suite .
S Sebastian
What's that mean?
This! [kicks Sebastian in the crotch]
[Sebastian covers his crotch and falls on the floor; Max comes out of her bedroom]
Don't worry, Max, I handled it.
Yeah, I just handled it too. That's my booty call.
Are you telling me you know him?!
No, I don't know him! He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.
How do you not know the name of the guy you're intimate with?
Max, there are certain things you have to know about the guy you're engaging in sexual congress with.
Only you can make sex boring.
S Sebastian
[comes out of the bathroom] Well, not too bad. One's okay and the other one left on crutches. Later.
Sebastian, wait. This is Max Black. Max, this is Sebastian.
S Sebastian
Nice to meet you, Max.
Yeah, nice to meet you too. And you can just call me what you usually do—"Oh, God."
E Elliot
Oh... my... God! Is that a Teddy Ruxpin doll? Rita, I want that!
R Rita
Your birthday just passed, Elliot.
E Elliot
But my coming out party is coming up.
What is that, like a queen-ceañera?
E Elliot
So bitchy. Love her. A vintage Teddy Ruxpin is worth like, $500, and my mom works, so she has to buy my love.
R Rita
One more word, and I'm taking away spa day.
E Elliot
That's harsh, honey.
R Rita
He's obsessed with the '90s.
But you weren't even born.
E Elliot
I know. I blame her. She couldn't find a man till late in life.
R Rita
There go the pedicures.
E Elliot
There go my sandals.
As much as I love watching Will & Grace , this guy's not for sale. I'm sending him back to my mother's place, which, according to the Rhode Island Parole Office, is a cardboard shanty town outside of Big Lots.
E Elliot
Well, here's my card. And let's face it, you look like you could use $500.
[trying to convince Max not to sell her Teddy Ruxpin doll to Elliot] That's "little you" in there, Max. And she's priceless. And she's about to erased and taped over by the soundtrack from Frozen .
E Elliot
Frozen ? Who am I? Me, a year ago?
Well, what are we gonna do now about the other child? The one in the diner? [referring to Han, whose $500 fish Caroline accidentally lost]
Well, I guess he's just gonna have to grow up.
Grow up? You think if he had that ability, he wouldn't have used it yet?
E Elliot
So what, no bear?
Oh, please! You'll have a bear in your life, trust me.
Earl, can I borrow your paper? I wanna check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. All right, who wants to go first?
Ooh, do me! Do me! Do me!
Can we have one night at the diner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?
All right, I'll go. "Gemini, the Twins." And they're both doing fine, so let's move on. Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.
Max, you don't need that paper. I'll tell you what's in your future: Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.
You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you wanna hear. "You will be rich. You will be famous." You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"?
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