[The firm gets a job redecorating a cruise ship.]
Well, you can count me out. I'm not going on any singles cruise. And I'm certainly not interested in putting up with a bunch of dorky men in bad toupees and polyester suits.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[The ladies are forced to sleep in bunk beds in a tacky room after dealing with an assortment of oddball singles.]
Why are you so quiet down there, Julia?
I'm just trying to say my prayers.
What were you praying for?
If you must know, I was praying, number one, that you all would let me go to sleep. Number two, that I'm not seated next to Club Mel at breakfast. And number three, I was thanking God that I did not grow up with a mother who wore a leopard-skin headband, white see-through T-shirt and glued rhinestones to her fingernails.
Mary Jo, what on Earth is the matter now?
It's this stupid dress of Suzanne's. This is so typical. It's just like her to hang this by my bed so it won't get wrinkled in the closet. As if I'm so little it won't bother me. She does this kind of thing to me all the time.
Why don't you just take it down?
Actually, this fascinates me. These bra cups are huge. It's kinda like this is the corral where Suzanne keeps her bosom, and I'm the hired hand who guards 'em while she takes 'em out on a midnight ride.
[Mary Jo and Suzanne compete for the best-looking guy on board.]
You're just gloating 'cause you know you're in pinky ring city.
I've never known anyone like Trevor. I mean, do you all know anything about him?
No. Only that his name is stupid.
[Trevor makes a pass at Mary Jo while Suzanne is not around.]
Excuse me, but I don't like to have the back of my neck kissed before breakfast. Especially by somebody who is too dumb to appreciate a woman like Suzanne Sugarbaker. Just who do you think that you're talking about? This is no two-bit singles cruise barnacle. This is the Rolls Royce of females who happens to have more beauty titles than you have teeth. And let me tell you something else, I consider it an honor just to guard her brassiere and I am not even a man.
Well, all I have to say is, the next time Olivia May gets sick, you all can just invite somebody else to play cards. I don't like this game. I like simple games. You know, like the kind you play when you're little.
Suzanne, we've been all over that. Charlene doesn't have a picture of a donkey.
[Charlene thinks that Colonel Bill Stillfield is at Sugarbaker's as a present from the girls.]
*clapping her hands and doing a happy dance* Happy Birthday to Me!
[Charlene, Julia, and Mary Jo head to Design Expo but end up stuck in their hotel room together with the flu.]
I haven't felt this bad since I was in high school and I developed this temporary allergy to domestic meat. My poor parents had to mail order hippopotamus steaks. I'm not kidding, y'know. Until they finally figured out I could have stuff like squirrel and rabbit and 'coon, y'know. Sometimes they even fed me 'coon for breakfast...
[After being trapped in the hotel room all night:]
I think this illness has affected your brain. Or, I've just never before noticed the extent of your unequalled ability to be fascinated at absolutely nothing.
Y'know, Julia, I used to think that if I were a man I'd be interested in you, but not anymore!!
Charlene? You're awful quiet. What're you thinking about?
Oh, I was thinking this is the first Christmas ever I haven't gone home. Then I was thinking how many men there are in my family named Virgil. I mean, I don't think we've ever gotten together on a holiday where there weren't at least two or three Virgils — sometimes even a baby named Virgil. What were you thinking?
Same thing.
[Suzanne enters with a pig on a leash. The pig is wearing a puffy pink "shirt" and a silver bow on her head... .. Everyone just gawks...]
Hi. What's going on?
Suzanne...where did you get that pig?
What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, y'see... Consuela's entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays... and uh... this is their gift to me. Y'know, they're very big in meat packing. Well, anyway... I tried to board her with a private kennel — they won't take her, and I'm sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?
I cannot believe that you are walking around with this big pig on a leash.
Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I haven't heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.
Well, what about Hugh? Aren't you still dating him?
No, not anymore. He's in intensive care again. He's always in intensive care and I'm just sick of it.
Suzanne, after all, he is 80 years old.
Oh, he's just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, y'know, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly, isn't she? (giggling) I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.
As your sister I have to tell you one thing.
What's that?
:leaning in We're not taking that pig shopping.
I'm just a little upset because Quint doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore. As a matter of fact he says he's gonna prove it once and for all — he's been up in his room working on all these traps.
How come he doesn't think there is one?
He says reindeers couldn't have the staying power, y'know, to go all the way around the world in one night. He wanted to know if Santa had some kinda deal with Federal Express.
Boy, he's awful young to be so cynical.
Hey, that's not so young. I was only 3 when I quit believing.
Oh, somebody told you?
Yeah. My Uncle Willie. There wasn't enough money for presents, so he just came to me and told me that Santa Claus had been stabbed.
Oh my gosh!!
Yeah, Uncle Willie didn't have a lot of couth. Anyway, I was pretty upset. The next year I wrote a letter to the elves. All I asked for was a baseball glove because, y'know, I figured they had there hands full with Santa gone and everything. But I guess Uncle Willie couldn't get it together that year either, because Christmas Eve he came into my room and told me that the elves had been killed in a sledding accident.
We've been acting a little childish about things that didn't measure up to Christmases past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmases in the first place?
You're right. No matter how old I get, nothing's ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing "Silent Night." Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Y'know, I've just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than that...except maybe heaven. Anthony...you're crying.
I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.
I know I'm especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And I'm grateful to Charlene for making that possible...and to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And I'm grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesn't believe in Santa Claus. And I'm also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!
Julia, you're starting to sound like the piano lady at the Holiday Inn Tap Room.
I know! It's Christmas...and I can't help myself!
Now play "The First Noel" for my pig.
[After much soul-searching, Charlene pays a visit to her minister, Reverend Nunn.]
For the past nine years I've come to you with whatever problems, worries or grief I've had in my life, and I really appreciate the way you've looked after me. But, I don't think I can do that anymore.
RNReverend Nunn
Charlene, you don't mean that.
I've been up all night, and I just can't figure out how I can belong to a church that doesn't think I am fit to preach God's word.
RNReverend Nunn
You want to be a minister?
Well, I've never told anyone this before, but as a matter of fact I did. When I was about six or seven, I got my first Bible. It had my name embossed in gold across the front. My parents gave it to me the night I was baptised. I'll never forget it came with this beautiful cardboard bookmark that had Jesus with a pink halo painted on it. I don't know — there was something about the way the light shown in that picture — I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I thought, "Boy, that's for me." I was gonna travel the world preaching and teaching — maybe even become a saint.
RNReverend Nunn
What happened?
I don't know. I guess I figured I couldn't make saint. Anyway, my point is, I had that dream because no one told me I couldn't. But what about all those other little girls out there, hundreds of them, just waiting to become ministers and spend their lives preaching God's word — except for the fact that you and a bunch of other people got together and decided that God doesn't want that. That just doesn't make any sense, Reverend Nunn. I mean, for what possible reason would God not want that?
RNReverend Nunn
That's not for us to say, Charlene. I don't think we should question his wisdom.
I'm not. I'm questioning yours. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'll never forget you.
RNReverend Nunn
Charlene, I wish you'd give this some more thought. Let me put you in touch with another minister. Maybe he can counsel you.
No. Thanks anyway. I'll be talking to someone, but I think I'll keep this one just between me and God. Don't look so surprised, after all, we have his number too.
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