Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Did you work on Pied Piper on Hooli time or use Hooli equipment to develop it in any way - at any time, Richie?
No, and no.
Great. And by the way, always tell me that and tell yourself that. Because if you believe it, a jury will, too.
Oh, I... I do believe it. It's the truth.
Great. That one was even better than the other one. I love it. Always say it exactly like that.
Wait. Did you just say you were the cool cousin?
Yeah.
Please explain.
Well, when we were kids, I was the one getting good grades, I was the one who was planning for my future. I would bring gifts for my teachers, 'cause they worked so hard. You know, cool stuff. He was always getting in trouble, he got caught smoking opium in the tool shed, he crashed my uncle's motorbike.
And you think you're the cool one?
Yeah, it's different in Pakistan.
I've never been, but I know it isn't.
Well, get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and, um, then I'll go find some hoes to prioritize behind you.
Richard, I'm an independent businessman. Emphasis on "independent." And "business." And "man," come to think of it.
Sorry, I'm not going to go work for Hooli.
Same for me, except for the part about being sorry.
Once we get a few customers and start a subscription-revenue model.
What? Revenue? No, no, no, no, no. No. If you show revenue, people will ask "How much?" And it will never be enough, but if you have no revenue, you can say you're per-revenue. You're a potential pure play. It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money. Pinterest, Snap chat... No revenue. Amazon has lost money every fucking quarter for the last 20 fucking years, and that Bezos motherfucker is the king.
It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"?
That's actually an old resume. It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.
So are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?
There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. So I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.
I'm not sure I understand.
You are being promoted. Being named "co-head dreamer" carries with it a significant pay increase. Greater equity, more favorable vesting schedule.
See, but I really liked the job I had. You know, I was perfectly happy there. It was kind of the... the perfect level of involvement for me, I think. And also that other guy, Bannerchek? He... he did not really seem to like me very much.
Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know that he moved four school-aged children and his elderly mother across the country in order to run Hooli-xyz on his own. He was very clear about that. And he wanted me to convey that to you. Have I done that?
You see this, Richard? What is this?
A spoon?
It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer. I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this... the angle's all wrong.
Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?
How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?
No, I saw it on the billboards.
Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards is that you can't get all of it out... look at that! You have to dig it out. But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons.
Know what has three commas in it, Richard?
Uh, a sentence with two appositive phrases in it?
No, a billion dollars. Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club. You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too. But probably not. But you could be. Probably not.
Interesting pitch. I will admit, I have never heard a Christian-oriented riff on dog-sharing. But Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California. Also, how would you scale?
Well, we could expand from sharing dogs to other types of pets - Pot-bellied pigs, ferrets..
I'm gonna stop you right there. You do know that ferrets are illegal in the state of California? Hmm? No. Well, then I suppose you also don't know that pot-bellied pigs have been wildly unfashionable since 2005. Owning a pot-bellied pig is frowned upon almost as much as being a Christian. Thank you, gentlemen. Good day. And technically, I'm not passing on Dog Dammit. I'm just not saying yes.
What the fuck are we going to do?
I know what the fuck we're going to do. But you're not going to like it. We build our own servers.
Gilfoyle, servers are essentially a utility. I mean, you wouldn't dig a well for water or build a generator for power.
I think we should dig our own well and build our own generator. I also think we should store a year's worth of food and ammunition in a blast cellar. But we don't. So good luck when the shit hits the fan.
This might be morbid, but the cold hard fact is that if Blaine dies on our live stream, this could be good for us. I mean, we'd get a lot more traffic.
Well, and it would probably lead to calls for regulations in the stunt industry.
So, in the long term, we're saving lives.
Although, there is the moral problem with letting him die.
Though he did tell us to shut up. And his name is Blaine.
And Gina is super hot.
And this would make her single.
She'd probably need consoling, so... there's an opportunity.
[laughing throughout] To his face? You called him that to his face?
How could not mention the colostomy bag?
Because it's a very private and personal matter, it's not a laughing matter.
You called him Double Asshole first. Remember, in college?
Yeah, but not to his face, never to his face! Not even I'm that fucking cruel! But you are!
I'm actually not.
You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!
Is that a still image? It's not frozen, is it?
No, it's live. It's just not moving very much because it's a fucking egg.
But think of the wonderful things going on inside that egg. The resolution in your imagination is infinite. Oh, hey, we're up to 17 views.
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