And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing!
About some professor who dates a budding child woman because he wants to blossom her.
And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair and telling her about his anguished soul...
Mm-hmm... what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?!
I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket.
Daria! Get me the... [she takes the phone away from Daria where this was headed moments earlier] Thank you.
[the "devil" and the "angel" versions of Daria appear]
DD Devil Daria
Not so fast. You'll get out of gym class.
AD Angel Daria
You? A scab?
DD Devil Daria
Oh, great. Touched by an angel.
AD Angel Daria
You'd be betraying your teachers.
DD Devil Daria
Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers!
AD Angel Daria
You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always use to keep wages low and workers weak.
DD Devil Daria
Oh, go dance on the head of a pin. You could make Quinn's life really miserable.
AD Angel Daria
Huh. That's a good point.
DD Devil Daria
Hey, you hungry?
AD Angel Daria
Yeah, we can pick this up later.
[the "devil" and the "angel" disappear]
Max, can't you look any more existential?
M Max
Existential? You said nihilistic.
I feel like I should be doing something. [after a beat, waves]
[Daria and Jane appears with video camera]
Shouldn't he have a sign that says, "Hi, Mom."
Uh, Jesse? Why don't you, um, cue the fog machine.
[Jesse reaches over rail and turns on "Big Fog" fog machine. It begins to emit smoke, and knocks. Smoke envelopes the band, causing all to cough]
[Band runs away from gazebo moments before fog machine explodes, leaving a column of smoke where it was]
[pats camera] And I got every second of it.
[At caricature booth, artist turns finished drawing to show seated Fashion Club. Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany gasp in shock]
[going to artist] I do not look like that!
It's like our features are exaggerated or something.
A Artist
Hey, if you don't want it, don't buy it. I'll use it as a sample.
[rises] But you can't put it on display! Someone might see it!
[takes drawing and hands over money] I'll take that as exhibit "A." Come on, maybe we can find someone else to insult us.
[Sandi, Quinn, and Tiffany leave while Stacy hangs back as artist shrugs]
Sandi helped me break my list into three categories: looks, popularity, and how well his hair matches my clothes.
You know Quinn, looks and popularity aren't really what's important in a relationship.
The ability to fix major appliances.
Hmm...yes, I can see that.
[Daria cracks her soda and walks off]
What's really important is that you find someone that you enjoy being with.
You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle taking me to Le Yeast last night.
I mean someone you can get along with for more than one evening. Who can share your hopes and dreams, your trials and disappointments. Someone you look forward to seeing day after day, week after week, [angrier] month after month, year after year, the same old complaints about his uncaring father. God is he ever going to get over --
Mo-oommmm! That's so boring!
Uh, not at all! That's compatibality!
[gets up and leaves] I think I'll finish this upstairs.
[notices something] Oh my, where is everyone?
Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel and Quinn's in her room crying.
Oh. She said something about failing at relationships.
What? Just because Jeffy joined your father on some ridiculous squirrel chase, she thinks her relationship is over?
Well, she might have had slightly unrealistic expectations about what having a boyfriend entails.
Uh-huh. And just what would some of these expectations be?
You know, being together twenty-four hours a day, hanging on each other's every word, his-and-hers cemetery plots.
Daria, how could you mislead your sister like that!? [leaves]
Mother. How could I not? [looks back outside and sees Tom, Jake, and Jeffy celebrating the capture of the squirrel and walks back to her seat] And what about me? I finally get up the nerve to invite Tom for a family dinner and everyone leaves me, confirming my deepest fears about abandonment and isolation. Oh look, shoestring potatoes.
And he wares cuff links, and drives one of those big old cars with fins. How great is that?
Do you think it's a good idea to pick up a perfect stranger while under the influence of ink well fumes? Even if he has come here from prehistoric times.
Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?
I don't know, I hate the present too, but not enough to ware a zoot suit.
He doesn't ware a zoot suit. He's a snappy dresser in the classical-elegant sense. Plus, he has impecable manners and a biting whit.
Okay, he's got it all. [looks at Tom] Not like some guys.
It's true. If I really cared, I'd dress like a dead man too.
[stands up] Thanks for the encourgement, you two. Maybe sometime you can teach me how to pass judgement on someone I've never met.
She's going to be dissappointed.
Yeah. That's not really the kind of thing you can teach.
N Nathan
Hi, I'm Nathan. Jane's escort for the evening. You must be Trent. It's great to finally meet you.
[they shake hands]
Yeah. Same here. [looks Nathan over] You, um, dress like that every day?
N Nathan
Dress like that? I mean, the 60s are over.
N Nathan
Maybe, but great style is timeless.
That's exactly what I was going to say. Thanks.
Nathan No, thank you.
[they shake hands again]
Well, I think I should have the dress because Tiffany looks good in anything, whereas I don't due to a slight asymmetry in my shoulders that is very painful for me even to mention, but which this particular dress minimizes while setting off my eyes.
Very good, Stacy. And now, Tiffany?
Well, I think I should have the dress.
Um, Tiffany, is there anything you want to add?
Yes. Thank you and God bless.
[to Quinn] Perhaps a debate is not the way to go here.
Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch Gone With the Wind with her.
[Tom starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious]
Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.
[about Jane] She sounded just like you.
Does that mean I sound like you?
If either of us starts to sound like her, it's time to panic.
B Mr. Brower
Ms. Morgendorffer, why do YOU deserve the Wizard Scholarship?
Whether or not I deserve anything is irrelevant, assuming you run your scholarship program the same way you run your company. Since the token women and minorities you hire rarely move up into upper-management, and since I won't give the answers you want to hear in the hopes of somehow bucking the odds, I guess you can just pass on me as if I were one of your female employees up for promotion.
B Mr. Brower
Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a bit of an attitude problem. Are you trying to sabotage yourself?
I'm responding to your questions truthfully, so I guess the answer is "yes".
Hey. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you're responsible.
So then you and Mack have.... been responsible?
Um.... I really don't want to discuss that right now.
Jodie I promise: Soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it.
So, um...should we pick a date?
Well...my parents are going out of town next weekend. How about then?
No fair. Home court advantage.
Like I'd ever find all the microphones Mom's hidden around my room.
The Rendezvous Motel? You know, on Route 6.
Gee, don't make me feel too special.
All right, the boathouse at the lake, with the stars, the moon, the water?
And the mosquitoes, the splinters, the security patrol?
[frowning slightly] Okay, how about Mars, then? Soon as that whole colonization thing gets going?
Did I tell you Tom's going away for a week?
That's the only place his family ever goes. I think they're training a secret militia up there.
I wish. That's so much more exciting than them just being too damn cheap to go anywhere interesting.
Hey, how do you think old money gets old?
Anyway, he'll be up there for a family wedding, so more time for you and me to hang out.
Haven't we had this conversation before? Only I said what you're saying and you said what I'm saying?
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