I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.
Here's what I know: Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us. I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow, they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.
JJohn
Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? "Dumb Shorts" Cathy?
The ACTUAL Bad Place, They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going...[squeaks while pointing downward, then leans toward Brent's ear] And trust me on this: It's a LOT WORSE.
Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment.
Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful"...and "You don't buy bras at Home Depot"...and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.
Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see: it was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.
Look! RIGHT THERE. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. Heh...yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?
This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story: NO ONE is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being and the points total tells you that, but what that number CAN'T tell you...is who he could've become tomorrow.
I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life: a bar in a house she was not invited to.
Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.
Michael...you came to me and said the points system was flawed. A system...that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth. And I have come to the conclusion...that you're right.
You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"...because I'm rebooting everything! Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!
It's not that easy. He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife, h-his psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep Chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order. Maybe I just start him at the beginning, a full factory reset.
Perfectly. They're HAPPY again, Uzo. They're even talking about getting me a puppy! But more importantly, I proved once and for all that you can always find the answer.
Here's a perfect example: where to sit? What's the answer? Obviously, we want to be back by the pencil sharpener, but in the front I can see the blackboard better...
I think it's 3,600 pages. I have a JOB, Chidi. I have A FAMILY. Until I had to read this, I had a WILL TO LIVE. This work is an insane, tangled web of inscrutability.
The greatest works of modern philosophy are emotional. They make an argument about how the world is and OUGHT to be. There is a great mind at work in here, but where is the heart? Where are the GUTS?
[as he writes] I don't know if I'll see you again, or what I'll remember if I do, but...if we do cross paths again... [tears page out and gives to Janet] ...sometime, somewhere...can you get this back to me?
Why not? The system's broken, you guys proved it. I just want to reboot the whole thing and go back to my chambers. I am on Season Three of "Justified," and can I just tell you...it is...SO GOOD. I, like, binged all of Season Two in a day.
That is so interesting because last time I checked...I DIDN'T have a dad. That's why I'm attracted to all the father figures on the TV shows I watch, mm-kaymm?
So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.
I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.
WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
