Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.
Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.
Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...?
I don't know.
There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him. His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still. He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice. He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi!
Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me. And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about.
Come on, Chidi, pick someone.
Don't pressure me, Uzo.I have to consider all the factors; Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics. Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or..or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.
Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.
That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.
You just lost five points.
There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving. There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.
[confused] Wall mart?
It's a place that regular people go. You haven't heard of it.
Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start. Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation." Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun!
Eleanor, everyone hates you.
Well, fork you too.
No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
We must throw the perfect party, or else you'll be tortured by demons forever. This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown.
Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.
I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.
We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.
And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.
Love you too, babe.
Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets. Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?
Jason going to jail?
No, man. Jason's dead. He suffocated in that safe. There were no air holes. Plus he did a bunch of whippits while he was in there, which couldn't have helped.
At least he died doing what he loved - a bunch of whippits. Now he's never gonna get the life he truly deserved.
Eh, I think he got roughly what he deserved.
Janet, you need to leave me. You're the smartest girl in the world...
I'm not a girl.
And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.
Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.
So, big plans this weekend?
Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.
...
Hi there! Do you have a second to talk about the environment?
No! Buzz off whale humper!
You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.
It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight I literally forget you exist.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
