[after throwing all the diapers into the ocean as they start absorbing] Oh, no! I forgot how absorbent they are!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Chad was right not to work with us. Our business was a huge failure.
[sobbing] AND MINE WAS A HUGE SUCCESS!
Yeah, we heard about that. [outside the apartment building, a giant diaper rolls down the street, passing by] It's okay, Scissors. I'm sure everyone will forget about this once a better diaper comes along.
How could you make a better diaper? It would have to have Bluetooth, compatibility, be reversible, and get out the toughest stains, with half the calories! [Rock and Paper both gasp and take out their invention, believing he's signifying it] It would need to keep your hot drinks hot and your cold drinks cold, and I wouldn't want my face on it, and it'd had to have, I'll just randomly say, Paper's face… [Rock and Paper both sulk] Or Rock's.
[sniffs an unpleasant smell] What is that smell?
[looks at the garbage with some flies buzzing around] I think it's Rock.
Scissors, you still haven't taken out the trash?
[waving his hand; dismissively] Yeah, yeah. I'll get to it.
No, do it now.
I'll do it really soon.
DDian
I'm at my breaking point, Chris. We've dealt with too much noise and agony from all these wacky Rock Paper Scissors shenanigans. [flashback shows multiple episodes from the past] The rhino stomping around when Putty was there, the meltwater dripping through when their place turned into the Arctic, last Christmas, they were 10 different ghosts, and at one point, Scissors farted into a microphone and blew out all the windows in the building. What's it going to take for us to go up there and say something?
See, Paper? It was your fault the whole time.
[throws Scissors in a dumpster] There. I took out the trash.
Now that’s a season finale.
You wanna go home?
Why? Because you think I can't handle 3rd grade?
No, because I do not care about this.
Oh, yeah, you think I'm too stupid that I can't get one "A"?
Listen. I know I usually antagonize you in situations like this, but I'm really not invested here. Rock and I are apartment-sitting for Pencil this week, and we're gonna play with all her cool gadgets, which seems like way more fun than this… frankly sad 3rd grade development. So, do whatever you want, but again, I could not care less.
Well, I'll show you, Scissors! I will get an "A", an "A-plus", with a good job sticker on top!
[holding up one of Pencil's gadgets] Scissors, look! Pencil has a shapeshifter! [activates it, turning him and Scissors into snowmen]
RSRock & Scissors
Whoa! [they then turn into Minecraft style] Whoa!
Well, I bet you're loving this, Scissors! Old doofus Paper failing 3rd grade!
[Rock and Scissors have turned into an apple and a banana]
Again, I do not care.
And now I have a group project due at the end of the week on genetic engineering and no one will want to work with me 'cause I'm the least intelligent kid in the class!
[Rock and Scissors have then turned into frogs]
Paper, we've turned ourselves into frogs. We're looking for flies.
Could we just acknowledge this?! This is insane! I mean, Rock, do you know quantum mechanics?
Of course! I learned it in the 3rd grade.
Lou, are you okay?!
I saw my life flash before my eyes! So much yelling and rent raising, but a lot of bad things too!
CCatalina
[vengefully] I'll be back, Scissors! And next time, I'll take you down!
Not if I take you down first.
CCatalina
How could you?! You have the brain of an ant!
And you have the face of the dead!
CCatalina
I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
I HATE YOU MORE!
[They slowly start to kiss, but snap out of it and look away from each other, awkwardly]
CCatalina
Anyway, you're the worst.
Yeah, uh… same to you.
What is happening with them?!
[The trio's apartment is being decorated for the holidays and Paper and Pencil are decorating the Christmas tree together]
[sighs dreamily] I love the holidays. It really is the best time of year.
Yeah. You get to relax, have some quiet time, and…
[barging in with Scissors painfully clutching his stomach] SCISSORS ATE A PINECONE!
What?! Why?!
Rock dared me to!
No, I said, "Don't do that!"
Which I took as a dare!
I'm with Paper. This really is the best time of year.
It is. And I'm glad everything worked out.
Although I do feel bad the robot didn't remove the pinecone.
[Zoom out, revealing Scissors lying flat on the floor with a pine tree growing out of his butt, which Paper and Pencil were decorating]
[disappointed] Not as bad as I do.
[Scissors is watching an inspirational sports movie when Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying groceries]
Oh, shoot! He's watching an inspirational sports movie!
Every time he sees one of those, he thinks he can do that stuff!
Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!
[searching everywhere for the remote] I can't! Where's the remote?!
CCrowd
[chanting on TV] Scrudy! Scrudy!
I DON'T KNOW! JUST RIP THE CORD OUT OF THE WALL!
Which one?! THERE ARE SO MANY CORDS!
[The trio hear the Rat Bros laughing and cheering from above the fourth floor while Rock is playing a Sims parody video game]
[annoyed] Ugh. Are the Rat Bros having another party?
They are such jerks!
Let's go up there and tell them to start being respectable members of society.
Okay, but just don't get on your high horse again.
[They are then standing outside the Rat Bros' apartment while Paper rides on his high horse, and Scissors knocks on the door]
[answers the door] 'Sup, bros? Oh, are we tutoring too loud?
Tutoring?
Yeah. We tutor underprivileged kids all the time. [shows them his brothers tutoring four children] Ruby, tell 'em the thesis of your report.
RRuby
In a juxtaposition of the sublime and the banal, the artist's oeuvre deftly encapsulates the ephemeral nature of human experience.
[Derf blares a party air horn; the trio are speechless at what they just saw and are back in their apartment]
What the heck was that?!
The Rat Bros aren't supposed to be better than us! They're supposed to be one-dimensional bad guys!
Yeah! I refuse to live in a world where the Rat Bros are morally superior. Because then we can't judge them! And that's how I feel good about myself!
Paper, get off the horse.
I can't, I need a step stool!
[Meanwhile, in the Rat Bros' apartment…]
[laughing hysterically along with his brothers] Did you see how upset they were?
Our altruistic plan is totally working!
We are such jerks!
[chest bumping] Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[suddenly confused] But wait… are we jerks? Tutoring these kids is really nice. Bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
Brody, don't be ridiculous. We're only doing good things to make Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel bad about themselves, which is a jerk thing to do. And remember, the two rules of being a Rat Bro: If a bro asks you to spot 'em, you gotta spot 'em. And what's number two, kids?
KKids
Rat Bros are jerks because jerks are cool.
And you wanna be cool, right, Brody?
Of course. That's my one and only thought.
[Zoom in inside Brody's brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Shower?
BSBrody's Neurons
NO! Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
LRLittle Red Riding Hood
Grandmother, what big eyes you have.
BBBig Bad Wolf
[in disguise] All the better to see you with, my dear.
[jumps onto the bed and takes the bonnet off the wolf's head, exposing him] It's a wolf, lady!
[reading an article about the trio being the best guys in town and receiving all the praise; outraged] Ugh! This makes me so mad! Why do we still pay for the newspaper?! [throws the newspaper on the ground and marches over to the weight bench] Brogan, spot me. I'm doing an angry set! We cannot let Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel good about themselves. We have to beat them!
Wait, Logan. Are you saying…
Yes, Brody. It's time for an altruistic-off!
RRuby
Altruistic-off: A competition in which people or groups try to win by doing the most good for society.
Uh, Ruby, you can go home. Okay. Derf, go save the whales. Brogan and I will eliminate political corruption. And Brody? Get a PhD in robotic engineering to give people without limbs the best in robotic prostheses.
But, Logan, I already have a PhD in robotic engineering.
Too late. I already gave out the assignments.
[Another article shows the Rat Bros being #1 good guys and receiving more praise]
[reading the article; also outraged] This is terrible! Newspapers are so important, and no one cares anymore! [throws the newspaper on the ground]
What's the point of cleaning all this garbage off the street if we're losing?! [pushes the huge garbage bag out the window, and it falls onto the street, splashing some people in garbage]
We have to beat the Rat Bros, otherwise, I won't be able to judge them on my high horse! And how am I supposed to feel good about myself then, by winning horse races? [the horse looks at him and shakes its head no] See? He's not into it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.