...to kiss his ass, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]
Before the ceremony begins, I must address the McMahon family, I am not to blame for what is about to happen here. Vince, this rests upon your shoulders, because you did not live up to your end of the agreement. And Steve Austin, well I guess, showed his true colors as well. Paul, let the ceremony begin.
Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?
No! NOOO!!!
[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]
Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, [Taker lightly reaches for her neck] and allow her to bear your offspring?
SStephanie
NOOO!!!!
I do.
[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]
By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!
[Stone Cold runs to the ring and brawls Undertaker, then the Ministry try to attack Austin but he beats down all them]
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the sold out Kiel Center here in St. Louis. As you can see, WWF superstars, scores of superstars lining up to pay tribute to the life and the times of the late Owen Hart, who died last night in a tragic accident at Over the Edge in Kansas City.
[narrating] Last night, a tragic accident took the life of Owen Hart. He was 34. There are no words that can express the profound sorrow felt today by so many of us who knew and loved this very special human being. Fans throughout the world shared a small portion of Owen's life through his various ring personas, but to know Owen Hart, the human being was pure joy. Owen loved this business and loved to entertain both in it, and out of the ring. He was a consummate performer, and a legendary prankster. In the extended family of professional wrestlers, respect does not come easily, and is not taken lightly. Owen Hart had that respect. He was more than just one of the boys. Owen Hart was a friend and a brother to all. Our locker room and our lives will never ever be the same again. A loving son, brother, uncle, husband, and father. Owen is survived by his wife Martha, his son Oje, and daughter Athena. Our prayers go out to them and the entire Hart family. With heavy hearts and the deepest of sympathies to his family, we say goodbye. If the legacy of a man's life is measured by the lives he's touched, and how much he is loved, then a big piece of Owen Hart will live on in all of us.
GThe Godfather
You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
RDRoad Dogg
What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.
If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...
CCrowd
SUCK IT!
[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]
The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.
[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam] He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!!
The chokeslam, [Undertaker breaks through the ring] oh-
Lawler and Ross: OH MY GOD!!!
Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell!
What?
[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell] All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! [bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole] The match is over! The match has been stopped!
What?
The ring has been destroyed...
Look at that!
...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!
Welcome to Raw Is Jericho! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a!
Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre "sports entertainers" who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, [indicating The Rock] and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream "Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!" Thank you.
The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, "Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
I told you--
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.
[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]
Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
CChyna
I don't have one.
All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
[as Billy walks away] Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
CChyna
Okay.
Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
Look! Chyna's got a pen!
What's she doing?!
[as Chyna signs and runs away] She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!
You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our rats; and #3—I guess Public Enemy didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!
[Big Boss Man has interrupted the ten-bell salute for Big Show's father]
BBBig Boss Man
Hold on just one minute!
What the hell does he want King?
Well I have no idea.
BMBoss Man
How dare you start the grieving process without me? I've got feelings too! It pains me deeply to hear that the Big Show's dad has passed on. In fact it pains me so deeply I went out and bought a sympathy card, and I'd like to read it to you, if I could.
Sympathy card?
The disingenuous... [Boss Man gets the card]
This is not good.
No it isn't.
BMBoss Man
Shut up and listen to me. With the deepest regrets, and tears that are soaked, I'm sorry to hear your dad finally croaked. He lived a full life on his own terms. Soon he'll be buried and eaten by worms. But if I could have a son as stupid as you, I'd have wished for cancer so I would die too. So be brave and be strong. Get your life on track. 'Cause the old bastard's dead and he ain't never coming back!
I am not believing what we are hearing here.
BMBoss Man
That's exactly how I feel about the Big Show's daddy being dead!
[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]
Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I [makes thrusting motion] PLUG IT IN and light you up!
[Triple H and Stephanie McMahon gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about The Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at WrestleMania]
Show me the proof and it's yours. [The Rock's entrance music kicks in and he appears]
Finally, The Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, The Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, The Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. [to Big Show as crowd chants "Rocky!"] Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' [mock whining] 'Oh The Rock's feet touched the ground first [normal voice] well The Rock says it doesn't MATTER if The Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if The Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where The Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is The Rock has won the Royal Rumble, The Rock is going to WrestleMania, and The Rock stands before [points at the people in the ring] you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion.
You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against The Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then [to Big Show] you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with The Rock.
Well, The Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with The Rock, then that's fine... The Rock doesn't need it, The Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what The Rock is [points to them] cookin'.
[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]
[sees Snow greet some people who just came down] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
What are they doing here tonight?
JJim
What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
JJim
I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird's-eye view of the competition.
JJim
Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.
Well that was...
JJim
...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.
[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]
Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: [singsong] somebody got a haircut!! [Big Show angrily stomps his feet] So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants [open palm and points at Big Show] you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! [audience responds with Rocky! chants] Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to Supercuts and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means [audience joins for the word] NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.