Abbot! Where in hell have you been?
AAbbot
Rome! How dare you summon me to your quarters like a common serf!
AAbbot
And it couldn't wait until tomorrow?
No. It's too late for absolution. They meet on the landing halfway. [grovelling] You are the only one who can help me now.
AAbbot
If you are truly willing to repent for all your sins...
AAbbot
... then you must make your peace with God, my son, and pray for His forgiveness.
Ah, well, you see, it's not God I'm worried about. It's Prince John.
AAbbot
[smiles] Then you really are in trouble!
He already has Gisborne, and it's anyone's guess what he's doing with him.
AAbbot
Well, knowing the Prince as I do, my advice is this: please him.
[incredulous] ... "Please him"?! Whaddaya think I've been doing all this time?! WEAVING TAPESTRIES?!?! Look, I have to execute Hood within one month, otherwise I am horse-meat!
AAbbot
[annoyed] Well, I really don't see what you expect me do to about Robin Hood. Now, I've had a very long journey; I need to return to my abbey. So, if there's nothing else, I will bid you goodnight-- [starts to leave]
Not so fast, Abbot! You will assist me.
AAbbot
[chuckles] Why on earth would I do that?
[imitates his chuckle] Because... [moves to the table] I know... [pulls away a red cloth to reveal a large book - a forbidden English translation of the Bible] your little SECRET!
AAbbot
[shocked] How—?! where did you get that?!
Oh, when I was looking for you at the abbey, I decided to do a bit of nosing around.
AAbbot
So you think you can blackmail me?!
[nods matter-of-factly] Amazing, hm? How great men, no matter how revered, always have some explosive little nugget hidden away, ready for someone like me to find, hm? And as little nuggets go, [points to the book] this is as explosive as it gets. [tuts] Abbot, even I was shocked. [starts to open the book]
AAbbot
[rushes over angrily] Now you listen to me--!
[slams book closed] YOU LISTEN TO ME!!! You will use all your power and your influence, you will use the full might of the Church to help me finish off Robin Hood once and for all, otherwise it will be your head on the chopping block as well as mine! GOT IT?!?!
[at the church] My children! I was once lost, like you, wretched, like you; wandering in the wilderness. But it was there, in the desert, crawling on my hands and knees like a dried crab, that I was guided [snaps his fingers] to a cave.
[A white-robed boy brings over an ornate box]
And it was in that cave... [opens box and takes the "hand of St. Luke" - actually an executed thief's hand - out] that I found this - the hand of the divine physician, St. Luke!
[He holds the hand high and parades it in front of the awe-struck crowd]
It was this hand that healed me! Healed me of my pain, guided me on the path to salvation, cleansed me of all my sins! [kisses the hand, pretending to sob] And it was this holy artefact that Robin Hood and his gang of men tried so fragrantly to steal - not once, but TWICE! That is why Robin Hood and his gang attacked the brothers of Kirklees! That is why Hood sent in his thug Tuck to break into the abbey! AND THAT IS WHY ROBIN HOOD MUST BURN AT THE STAKE!!!
[After Robin and his gang steal a wagon full of food, using bees]
[to his badly-stung soldiers] What do you mean, "the wagon's disappeared"?! WAGONS AND HORSES DO NOT JUST VANISH!!!
So, Prince John sent you back to Nottingham with a mission, and yet nobody saw fit to tell me. The last time I checked, I was still the Sheriff.
The Prince is still waiting for his thousand crowns. His patience wears thin.
As indeed does mine. What's the mission?
He wants me to kill Robin Hood.
[chuckles] I'm sure he does! But you've, err... you've never managed it before, Gisborne, hm? Although you did once have him at your sword point, and yet still he bested you!
Well, this time it will be different. This time I will command the mission without incompetent, illconceived interference from others.
[smugly] No. You will fail, like you've always failed before, and then you will come back and beg me for my patronage!
[After Walt reveals that Bertha of Bath has tried to have John killed]
BBertha
He's exaggerating! That's what he does, you know how he goes on--
WWalt
No, I'm telling the truth to save your life, just like I said I would!
[to Bertha] I warned you what would happen the next time you crossed me! [to his guards, pointing at Little John] KILL HIM!!! ARREST THE OTHERS!!!
BBertha
If I didn't do what the Sheriff told me, he was going to kill us all!
What an excellent idea! [his guards arrest Bertha] So exactly how far did you think you'd get, Bertha? We had a deal.
The deal is off. You do not touch those children.
No, no, I just want the money from the wagers. She's welcome to the slaving money.
Oh, I suppose she told you that she took the children off the streets out of the goodness of her heart? [chuckles]
BBertha
Look at them. They're healthy and well-fed--
Healthier children fetch a bigger price! She's been doing it for years - taking waifs and strays off the streets, fattening them up and then selling them on at the end of the season.
Yes. Not this year, though. [chuckles] Take her to the dungeons. [points to the boys] Oh, and, err, arrest those.
[ready to fight] LEAVE... THEM... BE!
[walking away, bored] Somebody kill that man.
[After Robin, John and the others save the children from Bertha]
It isn't safe for children in Nottingham!
So says the outlaw! But for once, I am pleased to see you, Hood. It means that Gisborne has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory once again!
Well might you hang your head in shame, Gisborne. You've let him escape again, [points at Isabella] and this, this... Is THIS what distracted you?!
[sarcastic] Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. You were busy playing happy families! Your level of incompetence never, ever ceases to amaze me, Gisborne. Every time I think you've plumbed a new depth, along you come and surprise me all over again! Well maybe now, Prince John will remember why he put ME IN COMMAND!!!
Did Prince John put you up to this? He asked you to kill me, do you hear me, Gisborne? This is nothing but sport for him. Putting us up against each other. Unity, Gisborne.
This isn't for Prince John! This is for me! [attacks Vaisey] I will be rid of you! [Guy overpowers Vaisey]
Quickly, Gisborne. I beg you. Have mercy on me.
You have no idea how much pleasure this is going to give me. You're going to die slowly, and I'm going to watch the venom drain from your body as you die.
Oh, Gisborne, please. Don't disgrace me. Kill me quickly. [as Gisborne moves to deal the death blow, Vaisey stabs him in the leg. Guy screams and falls, with Vaisey advancing on him] Humanity is a weakness, Gisborne! It's always been your failing! I tried to teach you...!
