Do you practice little speeches like that?
Like what?
"You'll be so full of arrows you'll look like hedgehogs?"
No. It just came to mind.
You practice don't you?
No!
Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Do you practice little speeches like that?
Like what?
"You'll be so full of arrows you'll look like hedgehogs?"
No. It just came to mind.
You practice don't you?
No!
Would you like to say a few words?
[Robin nods. Long pause]
[Softly] Go on then.
Will you marry me?
[Softly] What?
[She smiles]
When I first held my bow, I knew. It felt right. Like it had been made for me. And that's how I feel about you. I promised your father I would protect and look after you.
[Marian smiles and nods slightly]
But it works both ways. I look after my bow because it protects and looks after me. Together we're stronger. So...
[He walks over to her and genuflects]
Marian. [Whispering] Will you marry me?
[Marian exhales/laughs in shock]
[Quietly] Robin, of every single man in the world....you are the only one...
Well is that a yes?
[Quietly] Will you let me finish?
[Robin exhales]
I'm sorry.
[Quietly] The only one who would... propose over a fresh grave...by comparing me to your weapon.
[As she says "weapon" she laughs]
Well is that a no?
[Softly] Who'll give me away?
I can ask the King.
[Marian nods and then so does Robin]
[Marian exhales]
[Softly] So we find Lardner and bring the King home. Defeat the Sheriff and then get married.
[She smiles as she says "then get married"]
[Robin smiles, looks away, smiling and lowers his head and nods]
[As he's standing up] [Whispering] Well that sounds like a plan.
[Marian laughs and smiles and wraps her arms around Robin's neck and they kiss]
[The Fool is entertaining the Sheriff, Gisborne and others]
"Richard the Lionheart", they call him! Now, going into battle in a foreign land, it's not the heart of a lion you want, is it? Since when did a heart hurt anybody?! Come on, then! Come on! I’ve got the heart of a lion! You can imagine the Saracens translating that, can't you? "He's got the what of a lion?!" The teeth? The jaws? The claws? Nooooo! The heart! Richard the Lionclaw, "Jerusalem's yours, come in, sit down, help yourself!" Lionheart?!
[to Gisborne] He's good. Very good.
Forget about it! It's no wonder it’s taking so long over there, is it? [Laughter. The Sheriff laughs and Gisborne smiles] Mind you, mind you... It's better than his brother, isn't it? Prince John. [deadly silence] What's Prince John doing? Sitting at home? Heart of a dormouse?
[Two soldiers seize the Fool]
[angrily] Prince John is a friend of mine.
[freeing himself] It's a joke! It's what I do! I do other things. Let's try some soothsaying. [to a guard who has a hold of him] Sit down! [He makes the guard sit] Sit down! [The guard stands up again] I'll make some predictions, and then I'll make them come true. Someone in this room will bare their buttocks to the Sheriff tonight!
TAKE THAT MAN TO THE DUNGEONS NOW!!!
[As the soldiers seize him again and start dragging him away] Look, hang on! Prediction two: Sir Guy's joint will rise from the dead!
What's that supposed to mean?
Your woodcock, Sir Guy. I can bring it back to life.
Get rid of him!
[The guards start dragging him away]
You'll like my third prediction, it's about Prince John. One day, Prince John will be King of England!
I know that already.
But did you know that there's something in Nottingham that can stop him?
Like what?
[The Fool puts his legs around the beam]
Lardner's Ring.
What is "Lardner's Ring"?
Well, let me go and I'll tell you.
[to the soldiers] Lock him in the cellar overnight. Flog him in the morning. And then he'll tell us! Now that really is funny!
[The Sheriff and others roar with laughter; Gisborne smiles]
You should listen to me, I know what I'm talking about!
[As he is being dragged away, The Fool's legs are still wrapped around the beam, causing his trousers to fall down]
Ah! The first prediction! I told you, and the others will follow. Beware the power of Lardner's Ring!
[The Fool smiles as he is dragged out of the room]
Where's, er, where's Will and Djac?
They said they've gone to get some honey.
They'll be back soon.
If that's all they've gone for. Well, why does it need two of them? Hmm? "Honey" is one of those things.
What things?
What do you call it when you use a sweet, innocent word but what you really mean is something else?
A lie.
No.
A euphemism.
Euphemism. Exactly. Yes, there's a bit too much honey going on around here, if you ask me.
[Robin and Marian chuckle and smile ]
Will and Djac nipping off together. You two going on long walks in the forest.
He's jealous.
[Robin smiles and raises his eyebrows]
What happened to fighting for justice and rebelling against the Sheriff?! We should be sticking together, instead we're splitting into couples. And to be perfectly honest, [he puts his arm around Little John] I don't fancy mine much.
[Marian chuckles]
Anyway, while you two have been off gallivanting...
We haven't been gallivanting!
I know what you were doing
We were burying a corpse in the forest.
[To Robin] Is that a euphemism?
[After Allan returns from his failure to catch McClellan, with one of his two helpers dead with an arrow in his chest]
Where is he?
[sheepishly] Err... he's dead.
What about the message?
Well, we got part of it, yeah, but Robin turned up--
TURNED UP?! And got his message?!
I don't know. Look, he kind of took us by surprise! All we heard him say was "Lardner", that was it.
[grabs the arrow in the soldier's chest; simmering] "Lardner"? That's what he said?
[Long, tense silence, as the Sheriff pulls the arrow all the way out; suddenly, he explodes with rage and throws it at Gisborne]
I BLAME YOU FOR THIS!!! [throws food and utensils from the table at him and Allan] YOU HAD HIM ON YOUR DOORSTEP, AND YOU LET HIM ESCAPE!!! YOU AND YOUR IMBECILES!!! SIX... LEGS... AGAINST... ONE... AND THE ONE... GOT AWAY?!?!
Ah, Gisborne the Gullible! Got something to show you. [holds the Fool's lid over an apple on the platter, and puts it down repeatedly] First you see it... then you don't. There it is... and there it isn't.
[impatiently] Yeah, what's your point? [the Sheriff puts both hands on the handle and lifts up the lid; the apple is gone] How'd you do that?
You simply pull up on the handle here, the claw grabs hold of the bird. You lift up the lid, the bird's gone. The cooked bird has been hollowed out, you put a live dove inside it, and then la-di-da-di-da - plateful of bird's wings! Your fool, he's no "sorcerer"! He's no "soothsayer", and he cannot predict the future!
[Seeing Gisborne threaten to cut off a finger of a woman who can't get her ring off, as Gisborne, Allan and his men search for Lardner's ring] Stop!
[Gisborne turns and Will and Djaq are now standing up]
I know who Lardner is...and I know about his ring.
Let the woman go.
You're in Robin Hood's gang, aren't you?
Let the woman go!
[Gisborne raises the woman's hand and drops it]
Now tell me about Lardner.
You'll have to catch us first!
[Djaq runs off, Will smiles at Gisborne and runs. Djaq unties her horse, gets on and rides of. As guards chase after Will, he struggles to untie his horse]
[To himself, quietly] Come on!
[Guards arrive and Will kills one with his axe and knocks out another one with his elbow. He flips his axe in his hands and runs away, but is tackled by a guard]
Back home, my uncle had a friend - the Sultan's official pigeon handler.
He handles pigeons?
Yes. He handles pigeons.
Job, I suppose.
It's a very important job, Much!
[Much looks down, Little John gives him a look]
The Sultan's best pigeon - the smallest and quickest - was a pigeon called La Denah.
[Scene transitions to the Fool also talking about Lardner to the Sheriff with Will, Allan and Gisborne present]
The Saracens use pigeons to carry messages. They place the message around a little ring connected to the bird's foot. They let it go and it flies off. And it doesn't matter how far away you release it, because it will [He emphasises the following words] always find it's way home.
[Scene transitions to Djaq and the gang]
But it's not home that their searching for...it's their mate. You split the two of them up and a pigeon would fly to the ends of the Earth faster and straighter than any man ever could...just to be with the one they love.
So, we could get a message to King Richard halfway around the world in no time at all.
A matter of days.
Well that's incredible!
My question is: Why is King Richard using the Sultan's best pigeon?
Well maybe they formed an alliance or something.
Or King Richard and his army have helped themselves. If they've got La Denah, they've got the Sultan. And if they've got the Sultan...they've got everyone.
[Whispering to Robin] We have to go back to the tree.
[The Fool takes the key off of Allan's belt and hugs his leg, so he won't notice]
Please! Have mercy! Don't let them do this to me!
[Allan moves the Fool off him]
Hey...
[Allan looks down and notices that the Fool has taken they key and looks back at the Fool]
I don't do tragedy, I do comedy.
Well watching you swing'll be comedy.
[Allan slaps the Fool]
[To Allan] Very good.
[The Sheriff and Gisborne leave and Allan follows]
[The Fool who has his eyes closed and head back after Allan has hit him, opens his hand to Will, showing the key. Will looks over to Allan and Allan looks back at Will then leaves]
If Robin gets the bird, it means the King knows our plans. And the last thing we need is the King and his army coming back to England before we're ready for them! So, we must catch the pigeon! Catch the pigeon now!
[Djaq, Little John and Much are thinking of what to write to King Richard, with Djaq writing]
Come home.
It needs more immediacy.
Come home now.
Come home immediately.
Too many words.
What?
Lardner's a pigeon not an eagle. More words, more weight.
It's one word! Same as now.
So use now.
Too many cooks!
[Later]
Right. "Your Majesty, no reinforcements. Prince John plans to steal your throne."
Plots. Plots is a better word.
Plots is better.
"Your Majesty, no reinforcements. Prince John plots to steal your throne. Come home...now." Short, sharp and to the point.
I'll add "Make peace" before "Come home". "Make peace immediately".
Ah...I do like immediately.
[The Fool appears]
You need more emotion.
[Much, Djaq and Little John raise their weapons towards The Fool]
Who are you?
And alliterate - alliteration makes it much more memorable.
How did you get here?
I appear, I disappear, it's what I do.
[Will arrives in a guards' uniform and as he speaks, he removes the "mask"]
He's with me.
[They unsheathe their weapons]
I thought you were caught.
Madam, manacles are mere mist for me and my... [He looks at Will] my mate.
[Will looks back at him]
Have you heard about the pigeon?
Yeah. Robin and Marian have gone back to the tree to get it.
Yeah, well, so has the Sheriff and Gisborne. They've got them surrounded in that tree.
We have to go! Now!
Immediately!
[After being shushed by Djaq, while looking for the tree] I won't be shushed, we're looking for a tree in a forest!
We need to make Robin and Marian disappear.
How do we do that?
A puff of smoke.
[As he is about to escape by zip lining down the rope via his bow] You'll have to put your arms around me.
No. I'm not coming.
Marian, we haven't got time for this!
Then go before they see the rope.
Is this about Gisborne?
No. I can be of more use in the castle. And being apart will tear me apart, but I know I'm more good in the castle.
Give me your hand.
No.
Just give me your hand.
Is this a trap?
[Robin places the engagement ring on Marian's finger]
It's an engagement ring.
[Marian smiles]
This morning we had a plan.
Yes. Find Lardner, bring the king home, defeat the Sheriff and then get married. In that order, Robin. First things first. This isn't what I want to do, but it's what I have to do.
I love you.
I love you too.
[They kiss and then Robin escapes]
Cheer up!
What have I got to be cheery about?
Well we've got a visitor.
[Robin notices the Fool]
Who are you?
No, not him.
[Will unveils Lardner from is sleeve]
It's Lardner. Say hello.
[Robin laughs]
You're joking!
[Will shakes his head and smiles]
When you want something to disappear, the trick is to divert the audience's attention.
We switched the birds.
I just happened to have a spare stuck up my sleeve.
[Will laughs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.