[to Fowler] Brilliant, sir! I'm very impressed! No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
The parka and the ski mask, that's where they both came from.
And the gun?
Oh, come on, sir. You're putting me on. You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.
Of course. How stupid of me.
No, that's the prop department, sir, not the wardrobe department. How does a smart man like Lt. Lucerne make a mistake like that?
Because you're not talking to Lt. Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.
Well, what's the difference, sir?
The difference is Ward Fowler is under suspicion of murder and a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes, he's apt to get rattled.
Well, whoever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?
Lt. Lucerne did.
He did?
There were no prints on the gun because you wiped the gun clean, sir. But there is a reason the lab report took so long. You remembered to clean the gun, but you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets.
Damn! I had to forget something. That's always how the third act ends.
JBJanie Brandt
Aunt Ruth, he was in the Army, he can handle a gun, and he's the only one who was willing to work for that salary.
SMSergeant Miller
See something, sir?
Yeah. His watch is wrong. My watch cost $30. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May 1st. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.
OOfficer
Lieutenant, it is May 1st. Your watch is wrong. His watch is right.
Oh. Well, what do you expect for $30?
[in a hair salon] Excuse me. Darryl?
DDarryl
Yes? A challenge! But I'll do my best. Sit please, please.
Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.
DDarryl
Oh. Don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.
No, sir, uh... [looking in mirror] Is it that bad?
DDarryl
Um, yes, yes. Now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!
PBPhyllis Brandt
Alright, Lieutenant. Examine me.
No, no. Uh, look, Mrs. Brandt. It's a very tragic thing. If you ever feel faint while I'm asking you questions you'll let me know-- I mean the last thing I want to do is upset you.
PBPhyllis Brandt
[starts crying] Oh no! No! [she gets up and starts walking away]
[getting up and following her] I'm sorry! [steps on the hem of her dress, ripping it, causing her to turn and stare at him] Well, thank you, Mrs. Brandt. That's all the questions for today.
PBPhyllis Brandt
Thank you.
PBPhyllis Brandt
A search warrant! I have never been so insulted! Never! What's it look like?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Brandt. I thought the investigation warranted it.
PBPhyllis Brandt
I'll have you disbarred for this, whatever the hell that word is.
Yes, ma'am. Fired I think is the word you want.
PBPhyllis Brandt
Worse than that! You will never get another job, not in this city, not in this state, not in any police force in this country! I am not without certain influence, Lt. Columbus!
Well, what do you know. Here I am talking with some of the smartest people in the world, and I didn't even notice!
SSuzy
Hi. I'm Suzy
GCGeorge Campanella
Hi Suzy.
SSuzy
I've tried Esalen, primal scream, pyramid power, Synanon, a black mass in San Francisco, open marriage, est, TA, TM, I'm OK, You're OK... and I'm still a target.
SSuzy
I like the way you wear your hair!
...oh, thank you very much, ma'am, I like the way you wear yours.
[Columbo walks into a restaurant carrying a doughnut]
WWaitress
You buy that here?
Uh, no. I bought it from the doughnut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator, but then I saw my friend here and, uh... [she glares at him] I'm really terribly sorry.
[He wraps the doughnut in a napkin and gives it to the waitress who hands him a menu]
Well, let me see, uh, um, let's see now.
WWaitress
I can come back.
No, no, no, no. I'll have, um... I'll have a doughnut.
You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life, I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lot's of smarter kids, and when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there... and I could tell right away it wasn't going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured... if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.
I can tell you do.
My problem is just the opposite. Born smart... as they say. A blessing you'd think. I had no real childhood, I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift... painful lonely years.
You know, sir, I never though of that.
When the squib goes off, it produces vibrations and that knocks the book down. That Danziger is a genius!
Vibrations! That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you make him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would have done! This! There! [laughing] There! [continues laughing then pauses] Oh my... Oh my.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.