Pickles, wake up, we gotta go get Toki!
Okay, Nathan, do you think you're over parenting Toki, just a little bit?
Uhhhh...[seeing Murderface and Skwisgaar in the bed] What the fuck are you guys doing in his bed?
I'd rather not talk about it.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
You know what? Dis ams bullshit! I'm not just some dildo jack-off campers! My names Toki Wartooth, and I'm in Dethkloks! [audience gasps at his identity] Now I'ms taking my snow globes and gettings the fuck outta here! [turns to get his snow globe, which is missing from it's spot] Oh no, where's my snow globes?
BBully
You mean thiiiis? [holds up the snow globe and smashes it on the ground, Toki stands upset] Oops. [laughs]
[picking up the snow globe] Oh shit little kid...you just fucked up real bad...
[cornering Toki's bully, holding Toki's broken snow globe] Tell me. Which hand do you fret with?
[in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.
How's that, sire?
I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.
Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?
How's that, sire?
Getting better, getting warmer]
...in confidence.
Is that adequate, sire?
FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]
Y-yes sire.
[in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?
[trying to ignore him] Kind of.
[in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.
Oh God...
Imagine a child, so horrific looking...
Uh huh...
That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.
Yeah, you right?
Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...
You.
...that he looks...and acts like me!
You.
Well that man is me!
Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...
You're just not getting it. Listen to me-
YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!
Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-
I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?
I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-
GET OUT OF HERE!!!
DDoctor
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You've been jacking off so hard, that you've got advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Whatever.
So uhh, you're saying we were touching our...you know whats too much? [Abigail giggles] Hey this is serious stuff! Stop giggling!
AAbigail
I'm not, I'm being serious.
DDoctor
You must refrain from masturbating for the next three months. But beware, you will experience withdrawal, hallucination, sexual nightmares, gender issues. Without masturbation, men and women will go insane!
Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.
Oh God, please...please God...
I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!
[enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You fuck! Y-y-you destroy the record! You fucking take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]
Hey, hey, hey!
Get off of me! Get off of me!
What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!
Goddammit...I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna fucking take myself the fuck outta here. I fucking quit. I fucking quit!
[at an audition for his new band, the drummer is doing a Metal beat] Stop, stop listen! It sounds like you're trying to sound like Dethklok, all right? That's- You're missing the point!
DDick
Yeah, guys, we're trying to get away, from the Dethklok sound, we're moving on. Get it? Nathan why don't you explain a little more about that.
Uhh...okay y-yeah.
Explains the sounds a bit...to them.
Uhh, it's gotta be umm, what are we talking about how it's sounds...
Measurables, hows to be extra sounds...
Extra...it has to be more than...
It has to be, you know, more dans the...
Yeah, but with less! But with less. Yeah.
Dat's the idea. So do dats.
There's no other way to explain it other than- I hope you were listening, 'cause that's not gonna happen again!
Skwisgaar: Yeah.
All right, ready? [drummer goes again, with a bit more variety] One, two- NOPE! NOPE! YES! Yes, yes-Nope. Okay thank you, you're done. [drummer stops playing] What am I doing wrong here?!
DDick
Between you and me, I don't think they get it. You know, you may need some studio ringers.
Session guys?
DDick
Yeah, session guys, hot shots, they just, they'll give you what you want, and all I gotta do is give them a ringy-ding. You say go and I will.
Oh, I don't know. What do you think?
I uhhh, was not listenings...to what....you two saids...
All right, let's do it.
Yeah.
DDick
Let's send these jerks home.
[to entire audition line] GO HOMES DING DONGS!
IMIshnifus Meaddle
What you must understand is that the Metalocalypse has been moving forward. These events have been foreseen—the death of a religious figure by the hand of the godless half-man set the clock to lurch forward. That five souls would come to shepherd us through the darkest times known.
Is that old guy supposed to be Santa Claus or some shit? Are we getting presents? What is happening here?!
IIshnifus
We are trying to tell you that you're the ones for which we have been waiting thousands and thousands of years. You are the chosen ones.
You mean we're the Jews?
[first scene of the series: Matt Murdock goes to confession]
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been, uh…it's been too long since my last confession. My dad, he used to come to this church back when I was a kid. He was a fighter. Old school. Boxer. Lost more than he won. Had a 24-31 record before he, uh… But he could take a punch. Jesus, he could take a punch.
FLFather Lantom
Language.
Sorry, Father. Yeah... Guys he went up against used to say it was like hitting oak. And nights when he was outmatched, my dad's strategy was to let 'em hit him 'til they broke their hands. Never got knocked out, my dad. Knocked down, sure, but he, uh, always got back up. He was always on his feet when he lost. Every now and then, though, uh… Every now and then, he'd get hit and something inside him would snap. My grandmother…She was the real Catholic. Fear of God ran deep. You'd have liked her. She used to say, "Be careful of the Murdock boys. They got the devil in 'em." And you'd see it sometimes in the ring. His eyes would go dead… and he'd start walking forward real slow, hands at his sides like he wasn't afraid of anything. And the other guy, he'd see that look, and he'd try to get away from him. Nah. My dad, he'd catch him and trap him in a corner. Let the devil out. Yeah. Now, I didn't understand it, you know? What he was feeling deep inside, I didn't understand it. Not back then.
But you understand it now? Perhaps this would be easier if you tell me what you've done.
I'm not seeking penance for what I've done, Father. I'm asking forgiveness…for what I'm about to do.
That's not how this works. What exactly are you about to do?
[Matt doesn't respond]
Good morning, sunshine!
What time is it?
Half past "get the hell up"!
SHSusan Harris
[telling Foggy about the future offices Nelson and Murdock] You've got a reception area, a conference room and two offices. [Matt enters behind them] Corner suite has a view of the Hudson, you can flip a coin with your partner for it.
Uh, he can have the view.
SSusan
[turns, realizes Matt is blind] I'm so sorry. I didn't...
[smiles] Of course not.
SSusan
Susan Harris, Midtown Property Solution. [sticks her hand out]
Matt Murdock. [Susan remembers he can't see her hand and pulls it back, curtsying awkwardly]
She just curtsied. It was adorable.
[debating whether to take Karen Page as their first client]
All right, I'm just gonna say this once and we can move on. You don't necessarily show the best judgment when beautiful women are involved.
How would I even know if she's a beautiful woman?
I don't know. It's kinda spooky, actually. But if there's a stunning woman with questionable character in the room, Matt Murdock's gonna find her and Foggy Nelson is gonna suffer.
[Matt and Foggy show up at an interrogation room where Karen is being held for questioning]
Who the hell are you guys?
I'm Matt. He's Foggy. [Foggy smiles and nods]
Who sent you?
No one sent us.
So…what? You're a couple of good Samaritans? Today's just my lucky day?
[shrugs] I…bribed the desk sergeant with a box of cigars. For his mom.
Our practice is relatively young, Ms. Page, and we are aggressively pursuing new clientele. [to Foggy] Stop giving Bess cigars.
She likes to smoke, man. It's a free country.
How long have you been practicing law?
What time is it?
It's 12:22 AM.
About seven hours.
Well, if you go from when we passed the bar...
I was going from when we got our own desks.
Oh, then, yeah. Seven hours.
Heroes and their consequences are why we have our current opportunities.
Could you, could you hear me just now?
Nope.
The correct answer is "Yes, and you sound amazing."
Well, of the two lies, I took the lesser.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.