“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Loki

[angrily] THIS IS A MISTAKE! I SHOULDN'T BE HERE!

Miss Minutes

[narration] Hey there! You're probably saying, "This is a mistake. I shouldn't even be here." Welcome to the Time Variance Authority. I'm Miss Minutes, and it's my job to catch you up before you stand trial for your crimes. So let's not waste another minute. Settle in, sharpen your pencils, and check this out. Long ago, there was a vast multiversal war. Countless unique timelines battled each other for supremacy, nearly resulting in the total destruction of... well, everything. But then, the all-knowing Time-Keepers emerged, bringing peace by reorganizing the multiverse into a single timeline, the Sacred Timeline. Now, the Time-Keepers protect and preserve the proper flow of time for everyone and everything. But sometimes, people like you veer off the path the Time-Keepers created. We call those Variants. Maybe you started an uprising, or were just late for work. Whatever it was, stepping off your path created a nexus event, which, left unchecked, could branch off into madness, leading to another multiversal war. But don't worry. To make sure that doesn't happen, the Time-Keepers created the TVA and all its incredible workers. The TVA has stepped in to fix your mistake and set time back on its predetermined path. Now that your actions have left you without a place on the timeline, you must stand trial for your offenses. So, sit tight, and we'll get you in front of a judge in no time. Just make sure you have your ticket, and you'll be seen by the next available attendant. For all time.

Always!

Loki

"Time-Keepers"? "The Sacred Timeline"? Who actually believes this bunkum?

Loki

I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.

Mobius

I'm gonna show you where my desk is, you can start there.

Loki

Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?

Mobius

No. That's where you just were. I'm taking you some place to talk.

Loki

I don't like to talk.

Mobius

But you do like to lie, which you just did. Because we both know you love to talk. Talkie-talkie.

Loki

How long have you been here?

Mobius

I don't know. It's hard to say, you know? Time passes differently here in the TVA.

Loki

What does that mean?

You'll catch on.

Mobius

That is the proper flow of time, and it happens again and again because it's supposed to. Because it has to.

Loki

What's your name?

Casey.

Loki

Give me the Tesseract, or I'll gut you like a fish, Casey.

What's a fish?

Loki

How do you not know what a fish is?

I've lived my entire life behind a desk.

Loki

Well, what difference does it make?

I wanna know exactly what I'm being threatened with before I comply.

Loki

Death, Casey. Violent, painful death.

Loki

I don't enjoy hurting people. I...I don't enjoy it. I do it because I have to, because I've had to.

Mobius

Okay, explain that to me.

Loki

Because it's part of the illusion. It's the cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear.

Mobius

A desperate play for control. You do know yourself.

Loki

A villain.

Mobius

That's not how I see it.

Loki

We have a saying in Asgard, "Where there are wolf's ears, wolf's teeth are near." It means to be aware of your surroundings.

Loki

By the way, at your desk, that magazine...

Mobius

Yeah, the one on jet skis?

Loki

Yes. Why do you have that?

Loki

[chuckles] Suppose they are.

Mobius

Yeah, you know some things, actually most things in history are kind of dumb and everything gets ruined eventually but in the early 1990s for a brief shining moment there was a beautiful union between form and function which we call a jet ski and a reasonable man can't differ.

Loki

Have you ever been on one?

Mobius

No. No, I think a TVA agent showing up on a jet ski on the Sacred Timeline, that would create a branch for sure.

Loki

It would be fun, though.

Mobius

Yeah, it'd be really fun.

Mobius

Who created you, Loki?

Loki

A frost giant of Bodenheim.

Mobius

And who raised you?

Loki

Odin of Asgard.

Mobius

Odin, god of the heavens, Asgard, mystical realm beyond the stars, frost giants, just listen to yourself.

Loki

Those are different things.

Mobius

No no no, that's exactly the same thing because if you think too hard about where any of us came from, who we truly are, it sounds pretty ridiculous. Existence is chaos.

Mobius

Kablooie.

Loki

What's that?

Mobius

Candy. Do you have candy on Asgard?

Loki

Yeah. Grapes, nuts.

Mobius

No wonder you're so bitter.

Mobius

Hey! These people are scared.

They're about to die. They should be scared.

Mobius

Okay. Not of us.

Loki

Brute force is no substitute for diplomacy and guile.

Loki

Um, uh, look, I can't go backwards on a train.

Sylvie

Well, I never sit with my back to a door.

Loki

What? There are doors on both sides.

Sylvie

Oh, just sit down.

Loki

A pity the old woman chose to die, don't you think?

Sylvie

She was in love.

Loki

She hated him.

Sylvie

Maybe love is hate.

Loki

Should probably remember that. [materializes a quill pen and paper] What was that? [writing] "Love is... Love is hate."

Sylvie

Oh, piss off!

Loki

So, on the subject of love, is there a lucky beau waiting for you at the end of this crusade?

Sylvie

[sarcastically] Yeah, there is, actually. I managed to maintain quite a serious long-distance relationship with a postman whilst running across time from one apocalypse to another.

Loki

And with charm like that, who could resist you?

Sylvie

Well, people are quite willing in the face of certain doom.

Loki

I'm sure they are.

Sylvie

It was only ever just to keep me going. How about you? You're a prince. Must've been would-be-princesses or perhaps, another prince.

Loki

A bit of both. I suspect the same as you. But, nothing ever...

Sylvie

...real.

Loki

Love is a dagger. [materializes a dagger] It's a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. You can see yourself in it. It's beautiful. [turns the dagger towards himself] Until it makes you bleed. But ultimately, when you reach for it,...

Sylvie

It isn't real.

Loki

Yeah.

Sylvie

Love is an imaginary dagger.

Loki

Doesn't make sense, does it?

Sylvie

No. Terrible metaphor.

Loki

Damn. I thought I had something there.