Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Yuck! My mom packed me pimento loaf again. [to Ollie, threatening to trade with him] Trade with me or perish! [takes a bite of the sandwich] Oh, this is delicious! What is it?
[hesitantly] Grilled cheese on cheese bread.
What?! [shrieks] I'm horribly allergic to cheese! [swells up]
Ha! A rat that's allergic to cheese! [he, Ollie, and Bad Dog all laugh]
[bangs his fist on the table] SILENCE! I'm aware of the irony.
Agents Puppy and Katswell, I have no tunes, but I do have… [stutters] news. Snaptrap is robbing the refrigerator… [stutters] magnet mart.
The magnet mart? That fiend! Wait, that's kind of stupid. That stupid fiend!
[irked] This is all your fault, Dudley! We never would've been captured if you hadn't kept trying to celebrate my birthday!
What kind of cake is this?
It's cheesecake, Snaptrap.
A cake… made of cheese?! NOOOO!!!
Dudley, we did it! Thanks to you, I got what I wanted for my birthday-- I caught a bad guy! [breaks down into tears] This is the greatest birthday ever!
Well, your birthday's not over yet. What do you say we set this magnet to party?
You set it to "cow."
[They both start to run from the raining cows in slow-motion]
Happy Birthday, Kitty!
All right, T.U.F.F. agents, let's start today's intelligence briefing. Keswick, bring item one.
[presses a button on the remote, and the footage show's him at a child's birthday party] Sorry. [chuckles] That's me at a kid's birthday party yesterday. do a little "Mr. Science" thing on the side. That reminds me, I've got bring… [stutters] Billy Jinkins back from the fourth dimension.
[still in the fourth dimension; lonely and scared] Hello? Mr. Science? Help!
You worked a kid's party? I thought you were here yesterday.
That was my hologram. In fact, this isn't even… [stutters] me. I'm over there. [points to the real Keswick waving behind The Chief]
Stop monkeying around, Keswick. We've got a serious issue to deal with. One that threatens the very existence of T.U.F.F.: The toaster in the snack room is in the fritz!
[Everyone screams in horror]
[falls onto the floor in despair] NOOOO!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE FROZEN WAFFLES IN MY POCKET?! SOMEBODY WAKE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!
[panicking] Keswick, you have to do something! I BROUGHT TOASTER PASTRIES TODAY!
Actually, Agent… [stutters] Katswell, I'm over there.
JUST FIX THE TOASTER!!!
All right, but I'm gonna need some time. Sorry I took so long, but I added a few… [stutters] upgrades. T.U.F.F. agents, meet R.I.T.A.!
R.I.T.A.?
It's an anagram for "Robotic Interactive Toasting Appliance."
I never thought of that, I just like the name. I was also toying with Sheila, but she's the… [stutters] fax machine. Anyway, R.I.T.A.'s an artificially intelligent device whose prime-directed is to… [stutters] toast stuff.
Look, Chief, R.I.T.A. may have foiled the bad guys evil plans, but we're the ones who captured them!
Whoop-Dee-Doo. All you did was put the T.U.F.F. cops on Snaptrap, and the Chameleon into an empty peanut butter jar.
[with a mouthful of peanut butter] Yeah, but someone had to eat all the peanut butter first! And without a glass of milk I might add. [R.I.T.A. offers him a glass of milk] Back off, R.I.T.A.!
Agent R.I.T.A. and I have been talking.
"Agent" R.I.T.A.?
She asked for a promotion and I gave it to her. I also threw in a parking space and her own secretary.
[as Tammy gives her mug of coffee; pleased] Thank you, Tammy.
So we're supposed to work with a toaster?
No. R.I.T.A. helped me find the perfect assignment for the two of you.
[Dudley and Kitty are now serving Swedish meatballs to the agents in the cafeteria]
[dismayed] I can't believe it's come to this. Eight years of secret agent college, and I'm serving Swedish meatballs in a hairnet?!
[scarfing down meatballs] I know it's humiliating. But these things are delicious.
Well, at least it's quitting time. I'm gonna go home and sharpen my claws on the couch.
One second. I just wanna clean up. Darn it! I got gravy on my waffles!
[switching off the lights] Well, closing time, R.I.T.A. Great job today. You were the toast of T.U.F.F. Now excuse me while I unplug you for the… [stutters] night.
[grabs his hand, preventing him to do so] I'm sorry, Keswick, but I cannot allow you to unplug me.
But we're an eco-friendly office. [grabs the plug again and screams as R.I.T.A. electrocutes him]
I run the office now, and I make the rules. Rule #1: No one turns me off.
R.I.T.A., aren't you getting… [stutters] carried away? You work for T.U.F.F., just like everybody else.
Not anymore. [laughs manically evil] And once I connect to the city power grid, I will control all of Petropolis!
R.I.T.A., no! What have I… [stutters] done?!
So, you're out for the rest of the day then? Okay.
[Dudley and Kitty are closing up the cafeteria as R.I.T.A. bursts in]
Whoa, whoa! Cafeteria's closed. There's a vending machine in the hall.
Dudley, I think that is the vending machine, and the fax machine, and the microwave!
It's R.I.T.A.! She's gone… [stutters] bonkers!
[getting hit by paper cups] Ahh! Paper cups!
[getting hit by paper] AHH! Paper cuts!
[getting hit by paper clips] Ahh! Paper clips! R.I.T.A.'s headed for the city… [stutters] power grid!
[to Dudley and Kitty] You two have to stop her or Petropolis is toast!
Toast! That's it! Keswick, didn't you say R.I.T.A.'s prime-directive is to toast?
Oh, I think I see where you're going, Agent Puppy. You want to build a satellite operated transponder that will reprogram R.I.T.A.'s primary behavioral sequencing?
I was just gonna tape some bread to my stomach and butt.
Little complicated, but it could work.
[looking down at Keswick's feet; whispering] Whoa, he's got webbed feet.
[whispering] What is he? [iris closes on him and opens back up] He just laid an egg!
That's "schmoodled," for 370 points.
[slams his fist on the table] That's not a word. Use it in a sentence.
[zaps Larry with a blaster in annoyance] There. I "schmoodled" Larry.
[T.U.F.F. and D.O.O.M. confront each other in a new office building by aiming blasters]
You T.U.F.F. agents destroyed every one of our evil lairs... and ruined a perfectly good mani-pedi. It's payback time!
You started this fight, and now we're gonna finish it!
No, you started it and we're gonna finish it!
Wait! If we attack each other now, we're going to destroy our own headquarters!
Kitty's right. We're gonna have to call a truce and share the office.
[baffled] D.O.O.M. and T.U.F.F.… sharing an office? How will that work?
[confused] Wait a minute. Why is our real estate agent giving us ammunition?
And isn't it a little coincidental that she rented us both the same office?
[blocking Bunny's way from tiptoeing to the door; suspicious] Something tells me that she's not really a real real estate agent at all!
For real?
[nervously clinging to the ceiling] I don't know what you're talking about. [in the Chameleon's voice] Ooh, silverfish!
Wait a minute! I'd recognize that tongue anywhere!
It's the Chameleon!
Yes! [drops down on the ground, transforming back into his own self; laughing maniacally] It is I, The Chameleon! I only disguised myself as Bunny, your real estate agent, just like I disguised myself as your new field agents, Weaselman and Rodentski!
Those weren't raisins.
[runs out of a donut shop with a box of donuts, heading back to T.U.F.F. Headquarters] How humiliating. Someone of my intellect reduced to carrying a… [stutters] box of circular fattening breakfast pastries! [sulkily] Sometimes I feel like no one… [stutters] appreciates me.
[The bus "of D.O.O.M." stops at a bus stop and Snaptrap and his D.O.O.M. agents jump out]
There he is! The genius of T.U.F.F., Falswick!
First of all, it's "Keswick" and… [stutters] what do you want, Snaptrap?
I want you to come and work for me.
That's easy. PETER POPPER PIPED A POT OF PURPLE PEEPERS!
No, let me! Peter Paper peeled a pouch of plastic pappies!
Pa pa pa pa pa pee pee pa pa pee pee pa pa! [groans] Thought I nailed that. Kitty, Dudley, focus!
[in unison] Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers!
[recorded] Code phrase, accepted.
Tuff the T.O.O.T.H. mobile!
You mean, to the T.U.F.F. mobile!
Thought I nailed that.
Minions, fetch me a glass of nectar. Wait, I don't have minions. I have a cleaning lady, Desiree, but she only comes on Tuesdays.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
