“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Mark

Where's the turkey, Jeremy?

What?

Mark

The turkey, where's the turkey?

I thought you were getting the turkey.

Mark

You what...? No turkey?! YOU FUCKING IDIOT, JEREMY! YOU TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! THAT WAS YOUR JOB, YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU CRETIN! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!

[calmly] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.

Mark

[quiet] O-Oh I see... oh.

Now, where's the cauliflower?

Mark

Cauliflower is not traditional, Dad.

CAULIFLOWER IS TRADITIONAL!

I'm a Christmasist.

Mark

Oh, right, yeah, the FlashFoward box set.

Dobby

It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week?

Mark

Uh, sure, it's just... we watched all the Losts and they were somewhat OK, and Heroes had some interesting themes, but also quite a lot of not-so-interesting themes, and Prison Break... by the end I very much felt I wanted to break out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us, and it's just... don't you think maybe we should... go out?

Dobby

Where to?

Mark

To... not the theatre obviously, but... the National Army Museum?

Dobby

You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed and watch FlashFoward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers?

Mark

Nothing from Dobby since Christmas. I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I'll end up hearing them being played back to me in a court of law.

Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank off Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one.

Mark

Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense.

Tonight, it's not about the bitches, it's all about the hitches!

Mark

The Hitches? You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out? And I suppose I have to be Peter.

Mark

I want to keep a clear head for when I talk to Dobby. Do you think she might be here soon or...

I don't know, Mark. We've been over this, she might pop in. Hmm, fine white wine, ain't that fine.

Mark

(Hmm, he's conned me to his party. Because it's hard to take a legal position on 'might pop in'. Anyone 'might pop in'. Jeffrey Archer, Hugo Chávez, Skinner and Baddiel)

Mark

Maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need. I could turn your room into an office, finally nail Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.

Right. OK, man, yeah, good on you, because obviously we've always been amazing mates, but also a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?

Mark

Exactly. Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips, very comforting but also there's this lurking sense that you're killing yourself. Right?

Is there any more tartare sauce?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've left it all in George Osborne's ball sack. Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that?

Maybe we should just accept defeat, resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?

Not the Hootenanny! Never the Hootenanny! We're better than that. We are going to this party!

Jeff?!

Mark

I think it's okay. Or do you think there's any chance he's trying to kill all of my offspring. Like Herod.

Dobby

Oh, Jez, Mark told me about you burning the band. Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm too big to fail.

Mark

He doesn't know what that means.

I do know what that means.

Mark

(He doesn't know what that means.)

I've always got the Three 0h Walcott millions.

Mark

Jeremy's planning to sell the headline "Three Oh Walcott" to a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns thirty, and we've agreed not to argue whether that's a good plan.

It is a good plan.

Mark

I know.

Mark

What did he die of?

Dobby

Flu.

Mark

He died of flu? Hey, Jeremy, Gerrard's died of flu.

Bull-shit

Mark

Seriously.

Bloody hell, that is SO Gerrard.

Mark

I know.

Dobby

He had a weak immune system Mark.

He had a weak everything, to be fair Dobs.