The old way works just fine. Type out a report, send it via telex.
You do know what year it is, right? The future. We don't use - Who uses telexes anymore?
So that's why no one ever writes me back.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
So, even if they wanted to solve it, the police, what possible solve is there, besides unfathomable pinheadery?
There. There you go. Now you're seeing it. The inescapable reality. You're trapped. Don't look so sad. By the time we're done, you'll be billionaires. On paper, at least.
HCHotel clerk
Room 203. Very nice room, very nice. It's got air conditioning. You can smell the ocean.
There's a view?
HCHotel clerk
No, there's a smell. At low tide.
OHOscar Hunt
Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, gorgeous: Am I getting laid here, or what?
Uh, "what".
OHOscar Hunt
Cool. Thanks for the beer.
HZHoward Zimmerman
Let me ask you something. Do you know about science?
Do I know about...?
HZHoward Zimmerman
About science. Well, science has this thing - it's been proven - they call it "quantum"... something. It talks about how we're all just particles... we're floating out there... we're moving through space. Nobody knows where we are. And then every once in awhile... "BANG!" We collide. And suddenly for maybe a minute, we're real. And then we float off again. As if we don't even exist. I used to think it meant something. These collisions, the people we found.
And now?
HZHoward Zimmerman
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
VVivian Lord
[about Thaddeus] He was right. I am a bad person. But he wasn't that good, either.
Buck, if I wanted an opinion from an asshole, I'd ask my own. Got it?
WLWinnie Lopez
We've been tryin', me and Jerry, for months now. Like those old roadrunner cartoons with the wolf and the sheepdog, how you punch a clock to go to work. It's mostly missionary, if I'm being honest. We used to spice it up, but now it's about the shortest distance between two points. He'd pop faster from the back, if I'm being honest, but I think it's important to look each other in the eyes when it comes to making babies.
In the favelas of Brazil, there are six-year-olds with Glocks. They roam in packs, stealing whatever they can find. Mexican lowlifes stream into this country like wolves, eyeing our women and children. In the Congo, a family of six live on ten cents a day. You turn on the TV, what do you see? Boat people. Mass migration. You're living in the age of the refugee, my friend.
Look, if you won't take back your money, well, I can't make ya!
You see it, don't you? Millions of people bought houses they couldn't afford, and now they're living on the streets. Eighty-five percent of the world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population. What do you think is going to happen when those people wake up and realize you've got all their money?
Hey, I just charge for parkin'!
You think they're going to ask questions when they come with their pitchforks and their torches? You live in a mansion. You drive a $90,000 car.
It's a lease, through the company!
Look at me. Look at me. This a $200 suit. I'm wearing a second-hand tie. I fly coach. Not because I can't afford first - because I'm smart. So look at you, and look at me, and tell me who's the richer?
Well, I-I feel like this a trick question.
There's an accounting coming, Mr. Stussy. And you know I'm right. Mongol hordes descending, and what are you doing to insulate yourself and your family? You think you're rich? You've no idea what rich means. Rich is a fleet of private planes filled with decoys to mask your scent. It's a bunker in Wyoming and another in Gstaad. So that's action item one: the accumulation of wealth. And I mean wealth, not money.
What's action item number two?
To use that wealth to become invisible.
You have made me the happiest woman ever. Now let's make a sex tape.
[A shocked Sy Feltz discovers that V.M. Varga has taken over his office]
What the goddamn hell--!
[holding up a framed photo of Sy's wife] You have a fat wife.
Excuse me?
Which part of what I just said is giving you trouble?
This is my office!
A fat woman is inherently untrustworthy as she is a sensualist; she sees no real difference between a pastrami sandwich and a dick in the mouth.
[Varga sees the "World's Greatest Dad" mug on Sy's desk, then stands up and unzips his pants]
What are you doing?
[in a low shot obscured by the mug, Varga takes his genitals out, then proceeds to place them in the cup, twisting it around occasionally, as a shocked Sy looks on]
Do you know what a chicken is?
What?
A chicken. Do you know what a chicken is? A chicken is an egg's way of making another egg.
[after a few moments, Varga takes his genitals out of the cup, puts the cup back on the desk, and zips his pants back up]
You see, it's all a matter of perspective. The chicken sees it one way, the egg another. So let's start again: this is not your office, just as your wife would not be your wife if I came to her in the night with a platter of cold cuts.
[after a moment, Varga looks at Yuri, and nods]
YGYuri Gurka
[patting Sy on the back and leading him to a chair] Oh, sit down, my friend. You have shock. All is well.
I'm not--I just--I need a minute to--
YGYuri Gurka
No problem, no problem.
Have a drink, you'll feel better.
[the sound of water being poured is heard; Yuri then presents Sy with water poured into the same cup Varga had placed his genitals in]
[shocked] Are you out of your mind?!
[Yuri looks at Meemo, who looks around to see if anyone is watching]
YGYuri Gurka
Nice drink. Refreshing.
...are you threatening me?
[Meemo produces a gun, and chambers a round, as Yuri holds the cup to a struggling Sy's mouth, forcing him to take a sip, which he immediately recoils from]
YGYuri Gurka
No, no no no. The whole thing.
[Yuri forces Sy to drink the whole cup, who nearly vomits as he does so]
We're in trouble here. Enemies are at the gates - inside the gates! Fornicating with our cookware!
I'm sorry. Who are you?
YYuri
[says something in Russian]
What?
MMeemo
He said, "Pretty girls should only open their mouths when they see a dick."
Well, just so I'm clear, which one of you is the dick?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.