Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Oh, my God, you Patient I.Q. Zero, you infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccination!
Well, it serves them right.
Didn't you have chicken pox as a child? Or were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuckholes in watermelons?
Amy, that only works with fleshy melons.
Duh!
And sometimes pumpkins.
How long have you been taking these?
Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days. They gave me 97 pills, though, so now I just take them for the going away of my feelings.
So, you're not pregnant?
Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake-pop business off the ground. Oh, and until we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.
There are two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.
So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?
Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.
Oh, well, there it is - the casual Meyer attitude toward criminal enterprise, just like her husband.
Ex-husband.
Step-husband.
You know, if you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.
Alright, right now every Sunday pundit and poli sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still come.
Hitting a little close to home there, Roger, minus the "big-titted" part.
We've never had a complaint, have we?
But if we doesn't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickety-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons!
That's not a problem for us.
Gary, it's fine.
Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples. And, what else, Will?
And may the best man win. And may the hairiest man ziptie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.
Ha!
Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts. This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me! I was right, and that means I should be president!
We've just been denounced by the ACLU. We are going to win this thing!
Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face!
I wanna offer Jonah the VP slot.
What?
Yeah, it's the only move we have left now, and we're gonna have to get it done today.
Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here. You don't have to do this.
Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy.
Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome!
Amy, will you talk some sense into him, please?
Don't do it.
What?
Don't make Jonah your VP.
You know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.
Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president!
Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C. Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I've got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal!
[The last lines of the series]
We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m... [checks earpiece] I'm sorry. Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88. The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia 2 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family. Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old. Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.
Well, I'm gonna be the King of the Pirates!
I'm doing it because I want to. I decided long ago that I'm gonna be King of the Pirates. If I have to die fighting for that... then I die!
I run a pirate crew and I'm looking for people to join up.
No way! I'd never stoop to joining up with a criminal. Screw that business.
And what's wrong with being a pirate?
They're despicable. Like I ever wanna join up with one.
Oh come one! Give me a break. Everyone already knows you as some vicious bounty hunter always out for blood!
People can say whatever they want about me, but I've never done a single thing in my life that I regret.
Anyone who disobeys my orders is a traitor! [kills lieutenant]
You killed him!
My strength was what I used to rise to the rank of captain. Listen, in this world titles are what matter! That means by being captain of this base and the highest ranking officer, I am the most superior person as far as the eye can see! This means that I do everything right!
To be nothing less than the world's greatest swordsman. If somewhere along the way I have to give that up, then I want you to accept responsibility, after which you get to apologize to me.
The world's greatest swordsman, sounds pretty good. The King of the Pirates wouldn't have any less than the best on this crew.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
