Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Well, your sperm count looks normal, but the motility is abnormally low, which means, I'm sorry to say, that it may be virtually impossible for you to conceive.
Seriously?
I'm so sorry, Dan...
So I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?
Well, that has nothing...
Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in Morning After pills! There are, like, three girls who owe me an abortion refund.
The Judiciary Committee has asked you to send them everything you've ever written on abortion.
Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I can find it lying around here somewhere.
I'll check the freezer.
I haven't slept with a woman over 30 since I was 14... and that was because I needed the grade.
Whatever happened to Louise Kellogg?
Oh, God. I made Andrew can her slutty can. Then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.
Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.
Get up.
What?
Give me that fork.
What gives?
Fundraising laws. No silverware.
Yeah. If you sit, it's a meal. Which is a gift. Which is a bribe. Which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you!
[Richard is about to donate sperm for Catherine and Marjorie's baby]
I've never done this before.
Well, you just go in there, and...
No, I mean I've never, ah, "shook the Devil's hand".
You mean... masturbate?
Well, "self-husband". Does it hurt?
No, no, Richard...
How is that possible?
Well, my family in Iowa is pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin, like microwaves or laughter.
Do you need a minute?
No. Worse comes to worse, I'll just burn in hell, like Grandma Splett.
You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.
[at a sheik's funeral] It's like six degrees of Al-Qaeda in here. I hope we don't drone this place while we're in it.
You are going to invite me to dinner at your house, or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And, I want you to make me the paella.
You play with the paella?
Mrs. Furlong is only interested in inviting married couples, and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.
I'm coming too.
Whoa, what is this, the fourth horse-face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.
Uh, this is Shawnee Tanz, daughter of Sherman Tanz.
[suddenly polite] Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated!
Yes, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged.
Wait, what? We are?
There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.
Oh my, look at those curtains! Where can I get those?
I made them from my husband's death shroud.
Oh... what a touching tribute, Nyaring.
No, it was a purposeful desecration of a man who beat and raped me.
Well, they go with everything.
[to Mike regarding his sunscreen] You look like the world's least fucked geisha.
Ma'am, the president of Egypt is expecting your call at 3 pm.
Okay, send his mistress a gift. Maybe something from Niemann's. Oh, no, wait - any department store that wasn't started by Jews.
I will have to start one myself.
Now I'm gonna need a report on mineral rights in Sudan.
Okay.
And I have to find out, what's Qatari for "Morning after pill"?
Oh, my God...
It's probably "a stoning", which would also do the trick.
I had an aunt who transitioned twice. She was trapped inside of a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman.
Oh, like a turducken.
Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling?
Everyone was, unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.
Well, I wasn't invited.
I know.
I have got a White House book that is hotter than "Nancy Reagan's Guide to Cock-Sucking."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
