Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot.
No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.
...Id like to discuss the school bus-
I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be sitting by now.
Just walk in and take a seat.
"Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.
God! Okay should we just start over?
No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.
"Deliverance," the movie?
[Ron swivels away from Donna]
Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.
[Ron swivels back]
This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships.
Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups always peter out. We just have to wait.
Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him.
SWSobbing Woman
There's nothing left. It's over!
Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.
SWSobbing Woman
[deeply touched] Thank you!
[she walks away]
I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped.
Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my department has to go back to the way it was.
Give them time. They'll adjust.
No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.
That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.
We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
[Ron holds up his phone]
[over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
[over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
[over phone] OK, lay down...
[Ron puts his phone away]
Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
Ron, we're being very careful.
[Ron holds up his phone]
[over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
[over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
...You've proven your point.
Guess I'll be heading home.
Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!
Not her. The other ex-wife.
[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]
Oh Shit! [runs away in fear]
[Being Interviewed] What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?
[Cut to Andy about to perform at the memorial]
This song is called "5,000 Candles In The Wind"
[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her]
[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway]
Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going on?
[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand]
Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One.
[Leslie gasps]
I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of them. While I'm gone, you're in charge.
[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct]
Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.
[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.]
