Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?
Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?
There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a street.
Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?
[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons]
Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!
Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
These were for a sick child at the hospital!
[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on it]
I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday?
Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday!
This is a fun conversation.
You want me to do what now?
Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts.
I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it.
Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.
[Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday.
Hey! Happy Birthday! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth]
[Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face]
You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever rich people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're a Pawnee girl.
Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the legendary JJ's Diner?
It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives!
Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
[feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you go!
[Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her]
I will never apologize to her.
[In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a stupid fart face.
Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!?
The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants.
First of all, this color looks amazing on you.
Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
[deeply touched] Thank You.
Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an idea that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to bash your head in with a baseball bat.
[View of Ann smiling and waving]
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
What?! I didn't break it.
Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!
Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
[Everyone starts arguing]
[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.
Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
[Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs]
"Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department."
"Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."
"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia."
"Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please. Brought to you by the Health Department."
"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."
Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?
I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?
Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now I work alone.
I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty.
[slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!? [walks away]
Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You should buy it.
BP Bar Patron
Yeah okay, thanks man.
Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. [hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now.
Traegermeister! You made it!
Yeah I got your email. We need to talk.
First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.
I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.
No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!
No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!
No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!
Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.
Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
[immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do.
...that explains the outift.
Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.
...That is our actual situation.
And she's addicted to spanking.
Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.
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