[Someplace where the sun shining bright, the camera pans down to a young Indiana Jones using the Staff of Ra to focus the sun's rays]
YIYoung Indy
Blam! Blam! Take that! [fries the ants with the staff]
TTeacher
[shows up and snatches the staff away from Indy] Young man, if you are not going to use the Staff of Ra properly, then you can't use it at all!
TTeacher
You'll get this back at the end of the week. [walks away with the Staff of Ra]
[Young Indy kicks the ground in frustration]
YMYoung Marion
[runs up to Indy] Indy, you have to help me! Those bullies stole my dolly!
[The Leader Bully laughs evilly as he and his friends tortures Marion's doll. Young Marion cries and Young Indy walks over to confront them. The bullies' torture of the doll stops as they see Young Indy glaring down at them]
LBLeader Bully
What do you want, Henry?
[Young Indy takes his snatches the doll away from the bullies and into his arm and tips his hat to the trio before running off. A group of boys are play catch and stops as Young Indy run through them and so does the bully trio as they mow down the group. Next, Young Indy goes to the slide and goes on it before jumping off then, swings to the hoop rings to other side. The bullies grabs a boy in a plastic bubble]
BBBubble Boy
Please, no! I-I'm easily nauseated! [being pushed by the trio]
[Young Indy tries to return the doll to Marion, but quickly runs as he sees the bubble boy rolling towards him in a fashion like a boulder trying to crush him. He trips over the rock as the bubble boy rolls over him, and into busy traffic causing Young Indy to wince as a crash happen off-screen. He checks his head looking for hat and spots it near the merry-go-round. Young Indy looks back and sees the trio still chasing him and jumps onto the merry-go-round causing it to spin wildly as he reaches for his and grabs it. One of the bullies tries to grabs him, but gets kicked into a spinning rope between two girls and screams in pain as Indy finally returns the doll to Young Marion, who looks on with gratitude as he bail to the car. The two remaining bullies continue to chase Young Indy while blowing spit wads at him]
YIYoung Indy
Start the station wagon, mom! [his mom stops doing her crossword puzzle and looks at her son] Start the station wagon!
[She starts the car as Young Indy slides other side of the car. The bullies blew more spit wads as they hit the car window. Young Indy looks on with a victorious grin as they sped leaving the bullies frustrated while he catches his breath]
YIYoung Indy's Mom
How was school, honey? Did you make any new friends?
YIYoung Indy
[looks down at the shake in shock] There's a shake in the car, mom! WHY IS THERE A SHAKE IN THE CAR?!?!?!
YIYoung Indy's Mom
What? I picked up some Burger King for you!
YIYoung Indy
I hate shakes, mom! I HATE 'EM!!! [folds his arms] Wanted a soda.
A1Alien 1
Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!
A2Alien 2
Will help ever arrive?
BRBuck Rogers
[comes in] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?
A1Alien 1
Oh, thank goodness! [Bleep] Rogers is finally here!
BRBuck Rogers
What...did you just call me?
A2Alien 2
[Bleep] Rogers!
BRBuck Rogers
[goes near Alien 1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.
A3Alien 3
The Robots are through the south defenses! [Bleep] Rogers, we need your help immediately!
Buck Rogers [annoyed groaning] Ohh!
BRBuck Rogers
My name is Buck, not [Bleep]! What's with you, aliens?!
A4Alien 4
[enters; bleeding] [Bleep]!
BRBuck Rogers
It's [Bleep] ! Damn, what the-?! It's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!
A4Alien 4
What are you talking about?! I've been shot! [Bleep], it hurts! [dies]
A5Alien 5
Welcome, [Bleep]!
A1Alien 1
[as Buck gets annoyed] It's Buck!
BRBuck Rogers
THAT DOES IT!! [gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]
AAliens
[getting shot] [Bleep], Mother[bleeper]!
BRBuck Rogers
[Bleep] you!
A3Alien 3
Wait! Wait! [gets shot]
BRBuck Rogers
[Bleep] you! [Bleep] you and you! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you!
[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a conversation]
WWilma
You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was [Bleep]? [chuckles]
TTwikky
Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.
Come with me, Archie, I'm sweet and innocent.
VVeronica
Come with me, Archie, I'm rich and easy.
AArchie
[thinking about it] I choose... [Betty crosses the street and gets hit by a bus. Veronica looks hopeful at him; still thinking about it, completely oblivious to what just happened] Still deciding...
[Veronica groans]
CBCEO of Burger King
[checking the halls in the house making sure no one is here] Must've been my... [sees the King, screams] I'm flame-broiling in my pants! [the King approaches after him, backs towards and grabs out a shotgun] Die, you son of a bitch! [kills the King]
[The Burger King mascot collapses on the stairs, the Burger King head was revealed to be a kid named Phillip]
CBCEO of Burger King
[chuckles, realizes] What? No! [realizes he murdered Phillip on purpose] I killed my only son! Oh, if only Philip had lived to taste the Triple-Bacon King Burger now on sale at participating locations! [cries]
[A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out]
GGiraffe
Uh-oh. ["Stage One: Denial"] It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [laughs nervously.] ["Stage Two: Anger"] Well, this is just [bleep]ing perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Mother[bleep]er!!!!! Mother[bleep]er!!!!!! Mother[bleep]!!!!!!! Ahh! [Bleep]!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! [Bleeeeeeeeep]!!!!!!!! ["Stage Three: Bargaining"] Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-Listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [laughs nervously.] We got a deal? ["Stage Four: Depression"] [screams and cries] MOMMY!! ["Stage Five: Acceptance"] You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [the sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [struggles with no avail] [Bleep].
CCyclops
Look sharp Team!
XProfessor Xavier
Remember my X-Men, use extreme caution. This is the most dangerous mission yet!
CCyclops
Right Professor! [the Sentinel they are fighting blasts them with its lasers and then stomps them into oblivion]
XProfessor Xavier
Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!
LJLarvell Jones
What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?
XProfessor Xavier
No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.
XProfessor Xavier
[passes by the group, as Larvell makes squeaking noises] The hell's wrong with this chair? And it seems it's missing someone.
CMCarey Mahoney
[crashes in with a jet] Sorry I'm late!
XProfessor Xavier
MAHONEEEEEEEYYYYY!
NRNORAD Representative
Merry Christmas, everyone! As is our tradition, NORAD is tracking Santa Claus' journey down the North Atlantic towards New England on his yearly rounds to give presents to all the boys and girls. [the reporters chuckled] He hasn't responded to our request for a cargo list and passenger manifest. So, as per current security regs, we're ordering him to divert to Canada.
[The reporters chuckled again, but they stopped as the representative glares at them, knowing that he is serious. Cut to Santa Claus riding his sleigh as the Air Force pilots fly toward him]
Ho, ho, ho, boys! Merry Christmas! [the Air Force pilot points his finger down, gesturing] Yes, presents down the chimneys, that's what I'm doing.
AFAir Force Pilot
Target-Niner degrees.
[They shot the fire missile at Santa]
Oh! Captain Miller's a bad boy! [opens Charlton Heston's present to reveal a bazooka] Sorry, Charlie, I'll make it up to you next year. [fires the bazooka at one of the pilots, destroying the jet. But one of them shoots another missile at him] [Bleep]! [getting blasted by a missile]
[The NORAD assistant hands a note to the representative]
NRNORAD Representative
[reads it, then looks up] Mission accomplished, gentlemen. The system works.
[The reporters are horrified. We cut to the boy and the girl by the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, but they were disappointed that there are no presents. The end credits started rolling. In the end, the little girl cries and went to the other room as the boy sighs sadly]
