Hey, Kim Wexler! You know who this is? [beat; Kim is silent] I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in?
Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. [pause] Kim? You there?
No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just–It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up.
Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and–Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I–I couldn't believe it! [beat] I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. [pause] Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist.
You shouldn't be calling me.
You shouldn't be calling.
Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. [pause] Just say something!
You want me to say something?
You should turn yourself in.
You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much.
Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is–that is really rich, you–you preaching to me?! See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn yourself in? Seeing as how you're the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is–What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground. Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just–I only wanted to... Kim–Kim...! Kim–
I'm glad you're alive. [hangs up the phone]
[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]
CCheryl
Howard was murdered? [pause; Kim nods] Why?
He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time.
CCheryl
Where's his body?
CCheryl
And the police... Will they search again?
They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It–It all happened in an instant, and he didn't... he didn't suffer.
CCheryl
"He didn't suffer"? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all anybody remembers!
CCheryl
What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail?
CCheryl
You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a great one, Howard said! How could you not know?
Bernalillo County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not.
There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive.
CCheryl
I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got.
CCheryl
...Why are you doing this?
[In a flashback, Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]
JJesse
Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those?
[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him]
JJesse
Thanks. [gestures towards the rain] What's up with this shit?
JJesse
Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? [beat] You're a lawyer, right? [Kim turns to him] Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a real baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church?
JJesse
I mean, what the hell did he even want that thing for? Huh? I mean, I–I still don't know. Dumbass. I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean–But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free. That... That was pretty slick, yo!
Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean.
JJesse
Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... [pause] He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise?
JJesse
I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... [pause] I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen or whatever... All on the fact that those were funny TV commercials? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this any different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good?
[Kim takes a drag on her cigarette before she flicks it away]
[She pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]
[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]
MMarion
Hello? [pause] Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? [beat; picks up her phone and sits down] Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave.
Marion... [chuckles] It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody.
MMarion
Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus!
MMarion
The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me!
Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split.
MMarion
I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one!
Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that.
MMarion
No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No.
Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. [beat; Marion starts growing suspicious] Marion, you still there?
MMarion
Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me?
Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. [brief pause] I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away.
MMarion
What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble?
I don't think so. Why would he be? Heh. I'll see you in about an hour.
MMarion
Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks.
[After she hangs up the phone, Marion unplugs her phone cord and connects it to her laptop.]
[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her laptop to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]
Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not.
MMarion
There never was a Nippy, was there?
MMarion
Oh, he didn't tell me anything. AskJeeves told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. [reaches for her phone]
What are you doing, Marion?
MMarion
What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police.
Here. Let me help you with that. [rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner] Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here.
MMarion
What'd you get my son into?!
Nothing that he didn't ask for. [shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists] Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright?
[Marion pulls out her LifeAlert button, threatening Saul with it as he closes in.]
What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... [takes it out of her grasp]
[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]
VValerie
Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay?
MMarion
No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman!
VValerie
Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now.
[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]
[Mike and Jimmy sit next to each other in the quiet, halfway finished with walking through the desert.]
You know... We're sitting on seven million bucks here. Literally.
I say we take it. Split, 50-50. Take off.
Yeah, well, I know some people who would have a problem with that.
Them? Don't worry about them.
[Mike sees Jimmy vacantly staring off into space]
...First thing we do? Take six million bucks and build a time machine. Those people that you're worried about? They'll never find us. Where would you go first, huh? You—You look... like a history buff, right? What, would you go to Civil War times, or Ancient Rome?
Oh, Christ. Hm. Um... December 8, 2001.
No. No... March 17, 1984. The day I took my first bribe. And then I'd go forward. There's some people I'd like to check on in five or ten years, make sure they're doing okay. You?
[scoffs] It's easy. May 10, 1965. That's the day Warren Buffet took over at Berkshire Hathaway. I figure, I got a million left, I'm building a time machine, so I take my half and just stick it into Berkshire. And then I come back here, and... I'm a billionaire. Uh... Is there such a thing as a trillionaire?
[beat] I'm rested. [gets up with the money bags]
[Saul, calling from prison, tries to recruit Bill Oakley into being his advisory counsel]
BBill
William Oakley & Associates. "Trust experience, trust Oakley." Bill Oakley speaking.
"Trust experience, trust Oakley." I like that. It's catchy. You know who this is, right?
[Bill drops his folders when he recognizes Saul's voice]
BBill
[stuttering] Wh–Wh–What are you, uh... What–What are you–Uh, what are you doing? You know I'm gonna have to report this call.
Whoa! Calm down, Junior. The cops know all about the call. They're probably listening in. The fact is, I'm standing in the middle of a police station as we speak.
BBill
So they finally caught you.
Listen, this is your lucky day. I am talking to Saul Goodman's new advisory counsel.
Keep up, Bill. You hit the jackpot.
This puts you on the map, amigo. Here's what you're gonna do: You're gonna grab a flight to Omaha, Nebraska, ASAP. There's nothing direct, so you're gonna have to connect through Houston.
BBill
What?! Who's paying for this?
Bang, bang! That's opportunity knocking. Get off your ass and answer the door. Okay, on your way to the airport, I need you to make some calls—
BBill
Wait, wait, hold on! Even supposing, hypothetically, I'd be willing to take this on—
"Willing"?! Bill, this is a career-maker! Get real, you're doing this!
BBill
The DA has a warehouse of evidence against you. I can't even begin to imagine what the Feds are sitting on! No matter who your lawyer is, you are screwed. So I've gotta ask... Where do you see this ending?
[brief pause] Where do I see it ending? Um... With me on top. Like always.
[At Saul's request, the prosecutors bring in Hank's widow, Marie, during his plea negotiation]
MMarie
They tell me they found you in a garbage dumpster. [pause] Well, that makes sense. My husband was the best man that I have ever known. He lived to help others. If somebody was in trouble–no matter the time, no matter the place–Hank Schrader would be there... with a smile and a joke. He was kind, he was decent. He was strong. His partner... Steve Gomez. Steve... and Blanca made a home that was warm and full of laughter. Three children. Three fatherless children. Hank and Steve, the good guys, they were shot dead... and left in a hole in the desert! [points at Saul] And you–you–helped the two-faced poisonous bastard behind it all. For what? Money? You did it all... for money. No matter what they do with you now, no matter where they put you or for how long, it will never be enough.
Miss... Mrs. Schrader. [clears throat] The loss that you've suffered, it's unspeakable. [pause] I met your husband. A few times. He was a man who stood by his word, and he was very good at his job. He was a straight-shooter. You and he are... victims. And so am I.
[Bill and Marie stare at Saul with puzzled looks]
Two years ago, a man came into my office. He said his name was Mayhew. He wanted one of my clients to lie under oath. He offered me money. I declined. Any lawyer would. That night, as I was leaving my office, I was attacked. Two men threw a sack over my head, hog-tied me, and they drove me out into the desert. And when they pulled the hood off, I was kneeling in front of an open grave. [presses finger against his right temple] With a gun pointed at my head. That was my introduction to Walter White. [pause] From that moment on... there hasn't been a minute that I wasn't afraid. Yeah, I worked for him. I made a lot of money, but that's not why I did it. I did it because I knew what he would do to me if I refused. Over and over, I thought I would go over to the police. I even thought about talking to Agent Schrader, [Marie snickers in disbelief] but I knew that Walter White would kill me wherever I was. And I was right. You look it up: October 4, 2009. They murdered ten men inside three prisons in the space of two minutes. Knifed. Throats slashed. A man was burned alive. They even killed one of my colleagues–a lawyer. He was cooperating with the DEA: Daniel Wachsberger. The news said Dan... was stabbed forty-eight times. So, yeah. When it all blew up, I ran. But not from the police. From them. Walter White might be dead, but Jesse Pinkman and the others, they're still out there somewhere. [brief pause] Mrs. Schrader, you are looking at a man who has lost everything. My profession, my family, my freedom. I have–I have nobody. I have nothing.
CCastellano
...And you think jurors are gonna buy that?
One. All I need is one. [pause] Oakley tells me that you've never lost a case. Is that so? Heh. That's a hell of a record. You should be proud of that. Still... juries, right? [exhales deeply] You never can tell. It's a roll of the dice. [shrugs] I just–I'm hoping there's some wiggle room.
MMarie
[pause; looks menacingly at Castellano] You are not going to negotiate with this man. You're not.
[Saul lies down on a cot while Walter tries to repair a water heater in the bunker of Best Quality Vacuum]
Hey, you're a scientist, right? So, I have a question: What would you do if you had a time machine?
Yeah. Um... From a scientist's point of view, you can go backwards, forwards, uh... Where would you go?
WWalter
[looks back at Saul] A meaningless question. [coughs] "Time machine"... Time travel–the kind of time travel that you're thinking of–is a scientific impossibility. It would violate the second law of thermodynamics.
Uh, but what about wormholes?
Well, I was watching Nova, and Alan Alda seemed to think—
WWalter
[stands up] Oh, well then Alan Alda is the expert! Oh, Christ, are you kidding me?! Quantum mechanics? We're discussing that now?! Stay in your lane!
It's just a thought experiment. There's gotta be something you'd go back and change, if you could.
WWalter
[pause; drinks his water in one sip] You are not talking about a time machine, which is both a real and theoretical impossibility. You are talking about regrets. So if you want to ask about regrets, just ask about regrets, and leave all this time-traveling nonsense out of it!
WWalter
My regrets. Alright, well... My regrets.
[Walt pauses and looks down at the watch Jesse gave him for his 51st birthday, then sits down.]
WWalter
Well... [beat] When I was a graduate student, I started a company with some... [shrugs] at the time, I thought they were my friends. Our goal was to commercialize... discoveries that I had made. And... at a certain point... [pause] I stepped away. I thought I was doing the gentlemanly thing. But little did I understand that they were artfully maneuvering me into leaving my own creation. And, had I stayed, oh... [scoffs] Well, I wouldn't be down here with you.
So, you started a company. Is it still around?
How could you never tell me about this? We could've done something with this! Wrongful termination. Intellectual property theft. Uh, patent fraud. I mean, I could've sunk my teeth into this!
WWalter
You'd have been the last lawyer I'd have gone to.
Yeah. Sure. [sits back down]
WWalter
So, what about you?
[Walter motions for him to spill. Saul takes a moment and Walter sighs, disappointed.]
WWalter
You know what? Never mind.
[clears throat] When I was 20, um... 22, I pulled a slip-and-fall outside Marshall Fields. I did! And I was stupid and young, and I was trying to show off. So I hit the ice as fast as I could, I biffed it so hard, I heard a crack! Phew. Wasn't the ice, it was me. [chuckles] I actually hurt myself. I mean, [taps his right knee] my knees have never been the same.
WWalter
...A slip-and-fall?
Yeah, that's... how I put myself through bartending school.
WWalter
Right, so... So, you were always like this.
[Saul says nothing as Walter resumes his work on the water heater]
[In a flashback, Jimmy enters Chuck's house in the middle of the night with several bags in his hands]
[Jimmy trips over his own feet offscreen and begins gathering the supplies]
My car conked out on the 40. I almost got creamed by a cement truck! [lays out groceries on the table] Oh, um... They had those apples that you like. I got you half a dozen Fuji. And the newsstand on Central said they might start carrying the Financial Times, so that's good, right?
[Chuck stares with a mixture of disbelief and pride as Jimmy sorts everything out]
You know I could hire someone to do this. I could get someone from the office...
Yeah? Every day? While you're trying to start a... practice? Why?
"Why?" 'Cause you're my brother, duh. You'd do the same for me.
Hmm. Well, you could stay for a while. We could talk.
Well, your cases, your clients?
You wanna talk about my clients? Uh, seriously? You wanna talk about the granny who got picked up for soliciting inside a Christian Science Reading Room? Uh, what about the kid who broke into a liquor store and drank five bottles of créme de menthe and passed out behind the counter?
They deserve a vigorous defense, like any other client.
...Or maybe you just wanna tell me what I'm doing wrong.
That's not what I had in mind!
[Jimmy goes back to setting the supplies and lays out the ice]
I'm hoping you didn't steal that from the hotel ice machine.
You can hope! I'm gonna take a pass on the heart-to-heart, Chuck. One of my "deserving clients"... He got caught waving the weenie outside a Hobby Lobby.
[moves to get his wallet] Well, hold on, you gotta reimburse yourself.
Mmm-mmm, this one's on me.
Jimmy, if you don't like where you're heading, there's no shame in going back and changing your path.
Uh, when have you ever changed your path? [shrugs and chuckles when Chuck doesn't respond] Hey. Think on it.
We always end up having the same conversation, don't we?
I'll see you tomorrow, Chuck. And I might have the Financial Times!
[Chuck stares a while, then picks up his copy of The Time Machine and his lantern before walking into the darkness.]
[Jimmy gets a visit from a "lawyer" in prison, and is surprised to see that it's Kim]
Uh, turns out my New Mexico Bar card doesn't have an expiration date.
[Kim looks out the door to make sure no one is around. She offers Jimmy a cigarette, which he accepts. They both lean against a wall and share the cigarette together.]
You had them down to seven years. [borrows cigarette from Jimmy]
[long pause] Eighty-six years.
[Jimmy takes the cigarette out of Kim's mouth]
Eighty-six years. But... with good behavior, who knows?
1Agent 1
Jeez, what even is this place?
2Agent 2
It's a simulated town populated by robots that tests you on the skills required by your position.
1Agent 1
I take it the results don't matter, or you'd be gone by now.
2Agent 2
I'm just good at it, thanks. They put me on a fake street and try to trick me into shooting a baby. I even know the pattern: gun, baby, gun, gun, baby, baby, baby, gun, baby, gun, gun, and it ends with a gun-baby.
2Agent 2
A baby with a gun. It's a no-win scenario.
[Rick and Morty meet the giant coach potato Uncle Barry watching the match]
BUncle Barry
Kick the ball! Kick the bloody ball!
BUncle Barry
Yeah, mate. That's me. And who am I speaking to?
Name's Rick. Dougie sent me. [Uncle Barry points suspiciously at Rick]
BUncle Barry
Look, I don't know who you are, but you look like a top bloke. And I know this is weird to say, but I feel a strong bond between us.
Yeah, I don't know what it is. I-I've only met you for like fifteen seconds, but it feels like fifteen years.
BUncle Barry
Grab a fucking stubby, mate. [points at Rick] You're a damn legend! [shouts out] Charlene, bring our ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols!
[after Ute Uncle Barry drops Rick and Morty off in the barren land of Bendigo]
Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo.
[pleasing sigh] What do ya see round here, Morty? [Morty looks around]
I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really.
[pause] So? Where's the cube? [Morty pauses for a long beat]
I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo.
What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that.
What do you mean? Why are we here, then?
I don't know. I was following you, Morty.
