So, was your mission a success?
I've located the geode beetles of Heaven and Earth. We should split up to retrieve them.
Well, I'm going with not Pearl.
That's perfect because I don't want go with grammatically incorrect people anyway.
You three go together. I go alone.
APAmethyst/Pearl
What?! Why?!
The Earth Beetle is at the bottom of the boiling lava lake, and only I can swim in lava. [summons goggles, straps itself] You'll find the Heaven Beetle at the top of the Sky Spire. It's safer.
Ugh! Come on, you two, let's go. [Steven runs with Amethyst and Pearl to the warp pad]
Steven, be sure to keep the harmony.
No problem! Today's gonna be all about HAR-MON— [warps in and out] —NYYY—oomph!!
All I wanna do is see you turn into a giant woman, a giant woman
All I wanna be is someone who gets to see a giant woman
All I wanna do is help you turn into a giant woman, a giant woman
All I wanna be is someone who gets to see a giant woman.
Oh, I know it'll be great and I just can't wait
To see the person you are together if you give it a chance
You can do a huge dance because you are a giant woman
You might even like being together
And if you don't it won't be forever
But if it were me, I'd really wanna be
A giant woman, a giant woman!
I just can't believe you guys are like a bazillion years old! How do you find a cake big enough for all that many candles? [Pearl and Garnet look confused]
We don't really celebrate birthdays.
Well, I can't just ignore this tremesty of unjustice! I pledge that you will have your birthdays, with all the candy, cake and ice cream you've been denied! [Amethyst vomits]
[dressed as a clown] Happy Birthday! Honk! [squeezes his red nose]
Steven, that is a brave look.
[almost starts to explain, then looks nervous] Oh geez, I'm breaking character. Wait, wait, wait! I wrote some jokes! [takes out some pages of jokes] "Why did Pearl throw butter out the window?"
[looking hurt] I never did that. Steven... are you telling lies?
Okay, there's no way you're not gonna love this! [gestures to three kiddie cars, then holds up a kazoo] It's kazoo racers! You get in a car, you play a kazoo! [blows kazoo, then holds up three more] What more could you want?! Dad used to do this for me every year.
[whispering to Garnet nervously] I think this is why aging makes humans die!
Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need anymore.
Our age is only an illusion, and Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is more for human children.
[still nervous] Nothing against children!
Children? Everyone gets to have birthdays! Seriously, give it a try. You're never too old!
You're not too big! [trying to climb into a car] Y-y-you just get in, and then, uh...
[shapeshifts into a baby, in small war jeep] I can fit! Which way to the baby war? [driving] EAT TREAD, DIRTBAGS!
Two of the usual, please. I've had quite a day.
You must be confused, pal. I work here every day and I've never seen your mug before.
I used to make jokes. But you know what? I've had a lot of time to think today and sometimes you gotta smarten up. Act like an adult, 'cause one day if you don't, everyone you know is gonna grow up without you, and you won't have little Steven to pick on anymore because I'll be a grown up too!
[long beat]
..Steven Quartz Universe!! And I want that donut right there! [taps glass screen, sees his reflection] Uwah?! Aahh!!
I'm gonna have to eat fiber cereal, all my teeth are gonna fall out, and then, I'll have to eat oatmeal, [ages further] and it'll be sugar-free! Sugar-free..! [sits down crying with Sadie beside him] I need to reverse this!! ..I need a reverse birthday! The king costume... [to Sadie and Lars] Will you help me into my birthday suit?
[Sadie and Lars's faces turn blank for a beat. Outside, Sadie chases Steven out of the Big Donut with a stool]
[limping as his back hurts from running] I'm…too…old…for this. [ages forward into an old man with gray hair and trips over]
[after a rapidly-ageing Steven is close to dying with Crystal Gems arguing in tears]
Would you guys just... please... [regresses into young man] control yourselves?! [beat] Uh... oh, no... [regresses into teen] Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have yelled! But I can't stand to see you [transforms to young man] freaking out like this!
Your age is fluctuating! I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind!
STEVEN!! STOP FEELING OLD!!
[regresses into teen] But I wasted your time! [transforms into old man] We all have such little time...
You have to feel like yourself! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!
[regresses into teen] You really think I'm all those things?
Why else would you throw us all those parties?!
Oh my gosh! You're right! [regresses back, to his old self] I am pretty great.
Oh, Steven! [Pearl and Amethyst rush to hug him] Steven!
We'll work on the rest... later. [Steven pulls up his shirt to reveal he still has full grown legs, laughs nervously]
So... how come you're not at the Big Donut?
[scoffs] I don't spend my whole life at work. I do... other things.
Like standing against this wall?
Looks like you're doing a lot of nothin'.
That's the plan, Steven. Just playin' it cool today, y'know.
You want to get a fresh pizza right out of the oven, but you don't want to seem too desperate, right? Well, there's no need to be ashamed. Just walk right in and ask. That's what I always do.
Ah, Steven! Don't go in there right now!
He opened the door and there was doggy doo everywhere.
That's nasty. I don't like nasty stuff.
Isn't that Kiki's sister and her friends?
Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck Dewey.
N-not quite, but I'm sure we'll hang at some point.
You should go in and talk to them.
T-T-That's not how these things work, Steven! The plan is to keep it cool and let them come to me. [the group exit Fish Stew Pizza]
Aah! Steven, turn around! Act natural!
[to Kiki inside] Tell dad I'll be back later.
I don't think they saw you.
Steven, you were blocking me with your...big hair! Aah!!
Sorry! I'll go tell them to look over here.
Steven, no, don't go over there! I hate you..!
[Lars and Steven try to rip the magic moss off the group but keeps enveloping; Steven then looks at the hill behind him]
Lars, I know what we have to do!
This all is your fault! [breaks down] I knew if something went wrong today, it would be because of you! Now I'm never going to be friends with these guys—all because of your... WEIRD MOM!!
[Steven's eyes narrow in shock, and partially in rage, his posture and expressions become extremely aggressive; Lars backs off in surprise]
What do you know about my mom?! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW MY MOM!!! But I do know she saw beauty in everything!! Even in stuff like this, and even in jerks like you!! [beat, sighs] Now help me get them to the car.
Huh? He's leaving so soon? Does Onion just...sit around and wait for his dad all day? [notices Ranger Guy, gasps] Ranger Guy! Okay let's do this. [approaches Onion on the dock] Hey Onion, how are ya? [Onion shrugs] That's good, that's good. So I couldn't help but notice you're a G.U.Y.S. fan. [Onion stares blankly] You know, GUYS? [Onion stares blankly] The little man in your back pocket? [Onion pulls out the toy] Yeah, Ranger Guy. How would you like to trade that boring old Ranger Guy for a brand spankin' new, mint in box, Dave Guy? [pulls out a Dave Guy from bag] Pretty nice, right? [Onion shakes his head, motions to up the ante] Oh, I see where this is going. You're getting quite the deal here, with TWO Dave Guys! [Onion shakes his head and motions for more] What? You want more? L-like, two more? Five more? Ten more? Twenty more? This whole bag? All thirty of these Dave Guys for just one Ranger Guy. [Onion shakes his head to all of these, motions to up the ante once more] But there aren't anymore. The machine is empty; I bought them all. [Onion walks away] Where are you going? Hey! Let's work something out! [Onion walks leaves] Ranger Guuuuy!
[walks up Beach House, groans] Stupid Dave Guy, got no future, your haircut's gross, you smell bad... [Amethyst laughs]
No, I'm talking about dumb old Dave Guy. I mean, just look at him. Does it look like his life is going anywhere?
Ehh, cut him a break. Maybe this is the year he gets his life together. Maybe he'll get a cool internship.
Tch... I doubt it! I can't even trade 30 Dave Guys with Onion to get one Ranger Guy.
So you need more of that little man to get some other little man.
Yeah! And the machine is sold out of 'em. [Amethyst holds a bubble-looking stick] What is that?
Pearl's replicator wand. You can use it to make copies of stuff. Your magic. I'm sure you can figure out how to use it.
Have you been sitting here all day with this in your hair?
Nah, I got up to look for Pearl's dumb axe but found that instead. Then I replicated a bunch of garbage and stuffed it all in Pearl's room. [sniggers sinisterly]
HPHolo-Pearl
"Do you wish to battle again?"
[running around her] Pearl!! That was amazing! You were so cool!
Oh-ho-ho, well... one does try their best.
Will you teach me to sword fight like you?
[chuckles] All right. But we should start with the basics. [clears throat] Initiate training mode. [Holo-Pearl stands]
HPHolo-Pearl
"Training mode initiated. Level one, begin!"
I want you to stand back, Steven, and watch me carefully, okay?
HPHolo-Pearl
"Parry! Parry! Thrust! Parry! Parry! Thrust!"
Do you see what I'm doing with my feet, Steven? [Steven is starting to wind down for a beat] Notice where I keep my center of gravity.
Aw! Can you show me something cool? Like the Boomerang Blade!
Steven... you know that's not a real sword technique!
Boomerang Blade! Boomerang Blade!! BOOMERANG BLADE!!
Steven, these are real sword techniques! Not those silly things from your movies! It's about waiting carefully for the perfect moment to—
HPHolo-Pearl
(SHIK!!) "THRUST!!" [Pearl grunts, Steven gasps]
[angle on Steven with shadows of Holo-Pearl's sword and stabbed Pearl, with the latter dropping her sword]
..Wh-whoopsie-daisy! Steven, it's okay. I'm gonna be just—
[Pearl explodes into a cloud of vapor with her gemstone slumps on the ground]
NNOOOOOO!!! [cradles her gemstone, crying] Pearl?! Pearl!!
HPHolo-Pearl
"Challenger defeated. Level one failed!"
Introducing the finest in luxury transportation... Lion!
LLion
[yawns and lays down]
Aw, you little goofball. [Walks over to Lion and presses his face into his mane]
[Lifts his face out of Lion's mane] Lion is sort of like a pet. He does his own thing most of the time, though.
LLion
[Chomping on something; The shot switches to a half-eaten crystal iguana by Lion's paws]
See? Who KNOWS where he got that?
Wow, Steven. Everything in your life is so awesome and magical. [Connie picks up a stick] The most exciting thing in my life is tennis practice. [She gets into a stance and swings the stick from her left to her right] Forehand! [She swings the stick from her right and back to her left] Backhand! [She brings the stick to the center of her body, bringing it up and then slamming it down] Overhead death strike!
[Picks up the stick again] Well, I made up that last one.
I think Lion says we should hurry up and go. Or maybe he was just yawning. [Steven and Connie blink and stare at each other for a few seconds, then Steven throws his arms up into the air] Anyways, let's go to the movie!
