Eric Weiss quotes from Alias

Weiss

Balls of steel. That's what I'm going to call you from now on. Hey, have you met Balls of Steel?

Weiss

Your girlfriend's name is Alice.

Vaughn

Would you shut up.

Weiss

Hey, just checking.

Vaughn

Get out of my office.

Weiss

I don't want your thanks. I want it to stop.

Vaughn

Look, Sydney's my responsibility ...

Weiss

Mike, I'm not going to trivialize your relationship with her by calling it a crush ...

Vaughn

A crush?

Weiss

But whatever it is, it's starting to affect me and if that sounds selfish to you, I was hoping to retire fully vested. I know you genuinely care for her. I do, too. But there is a line that we have been sworn not to cross. We're about a mile past that.

Vaughn

I don't know how to be Sydney's handler without making it personal.

Weiss

Figure out a way.

Weiss

I share my fights with you!

Vaughn

No you don't.

Weiss

Yeah, you remember when, er, remember when Alan pissed in the living room?

Vaughn

That was your dog.

Weiss

Yeah, but I was angry about it and I let you know how upset I was.

Weiss

There's no way that guy smells as good as you.

Vaughn

It's aftershave. I got a new aftershave.

Weiss

Yeah, well, I'd lighten up on it.

Vaughn

Yeah?

Weiss

Oh, yeah. To the point of, er, non-use.

Vaughn

Can it wait?

Weiss

Apparently not, he wants Sydney too. Are you with her?

Vaughn

Uh ... No. I haven't seen her.

Weiss

You're in bed with her right now, aren't you?

Vaughn

I'm trying... just find out what he wants.

Sydney

Vaughn. I mean, okay. The backpack is getting a little ridiculous.

Vaughn

What do you mean?

Sydney

[she points to her bureau] The middle drawer. It's yours.

Weiss

She gave you a drawer, huh?

Vaughn

It was a gesture of convenience.

Weiss

And, uh, what did you put in it?

Vaughn

Why do you care?

Weiss

What do you mean, why do I care? Do you know how spoiled you are? You know, a drawer! I wish I had a girlfriend to say "Hey, do you want a drawer?"

Vaughn

I'll give you a drawer at my place.

Weiss

I don't wanna drawer in your place.

Weiss

[to Vaughn] If we end up sharing a cell in federal prison, I'm not giving you a drawer.

Weiss

[helping Sydney move] You're sure you're okay with this? I mean, are you going to be all right? By yourself?

Sydney

I just can't wrap my head around it. I mean, Francie's been dead for two years, but I feel like I saw her a few days ago. And now that Will is in the witness protection, I can't even contact him. All my friends are just . . . gone.

Weiss

Not all your friends.

Sydney

I haven't even asked anyone how they met.

Weiss

Are you asking me? The NSC was wrapping up the case on your mom ...uh, we were all deposed ... Lauren was the one asking the questions. They hit it off.

Sydney

Was everyone there? Dixon? Marshall . . . ?

Weiss

Syd, she's a good person. I'm not trying to rub it in, but I ... I don't want to be dishonest.

Vaughn

It's been three weeks since I learned that Sydney murdered Lazarey ... I've been lying to my wife for three weeks.

Weiss

Vaughn, I know guys who've lied to their wives for a lot longer than that.

Vaughn

You understand that the reason your brother didn't like talking to you is because you say stupid things, right?

Weiss

This is why people from the CIA should not get married to people from the NSC, man. Don't poop where you sleep...

Vaughn

Thanks a lot.

Vaughn

Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?

Weiss

No, I don't. However I did have the same intense feelings for both Sporty and Posh Spice.

Vaughn

Yeah, who didn't?

I want us to be to married before the baby is born.

Weiss

What? We haven't got a minister!

Marshall

It's okay! I can ordain you over the Internet.

Weiss

By the power invested in me by the, er, United Church of... Mammals, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Marshall

I love you Mrs. Flinkman.

I'm keeping my name.

Marshall

Okay.

Jack

Actually, Ryan alerted local authorities, gave them time to evacuate the building.

Weiss

So he's a humanitarian bomber?

Vaughn

He wanted the bomb squad called in?

Marshall

Well, maybe because he knew there was nothing they could do.

Vaughn

If I need to, can I crash on your couch?

Weiss

Yeah - you just have to wipe off the Cheese Nips.