[Carla Bruni's song about Marina]
Carla: My heart is sore
My Marina is no more
It was the 1.8
With the optional rear armrest
And now those Top Gear wazzocks
Have dropped a piano on its roof
I hate James May
And the other two
But mainly James May
I want my Morris back
[cuts to James May laughing]

[commenting on the furore over North Korea's nuclear tests]
James: Why would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?
Jeremy: They used American guidance systems?

[Driving the new Z4]
Jeremy: Getting into the old Z4 after a long day, was like coming home after a long day's work and flopping down onto a sofa made entirely out of Chuck Norris.

[During Star In A Reasonably Priced Car]
Michael McIntyre: The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car is you would occasionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway. It's quite a manly moment. You're sitting there, chugging along at 60; you're quite comfortable. You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane, I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it." She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!" "I can do this!" You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane. When you're in the fast lane in a terrible car, you immediately know you don't belong. Big Range Rovers right up behind you flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!" There are horses in the slow lane going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?" I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably. It takes somewhere between 40 to 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche. My wife's going, [While shaking his head] "I told you!" And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim. [While shaking his head] "Who are you Porsche driver?"

[During the car sauna clip]
Richard: Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
Jeremy: 98%.
James: Or less.
Richard: Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other...
[Jeremy looks horrified and James looked disgusted]

[During the challenge, inside the Top Gear office, talking to insurance sales people]
Richard: No, no accidents in the last five years. [immediately looks at the camera]

[During the coming-in-this-series preview of the Val Thorens race from 13.5]
Jeremy: Get out of my way, Frenchists!

[During the discussion on the Honda FR-V]
James: That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.
Jeremy: [sympathetically] Ohh.
James: No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.
Richard: On his own.
Jeremy: It's tragic.
James: There's nothing more pitiable.
Richard: Pathetic.
Jeremy: It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
James: She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."
Richard: [nodding] Yeah.
Jeremy: [stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]
James: [realizes what he said, points at the camera]... No.
Jeremy: Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]

[During the discussion on the new Jaguar XJ]
James: Come on! Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It's the new XJ; the important question is �Is it a proper Jag?��
Jeremy: Now what you mean is �Is this car slightly caddish?�� Is that what you actually mean?
James: (nods) Yes.
Jeremy: Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what's the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it's the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it's okay because he's got a �Jaaaaag.��
(Everyone laughs)
Richard: That's the Jag driver; he'd get away with anything! (Changes tone) I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my �Jaaaaag.��
(Crowd laughs)
James: Is it fair to say? Do you think that no �Jaaaaag�� driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice likeable way?
Jeremy: Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...
(Richard Laughs)
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: I bet eighty percent have got �Jaaaaags.�� (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?
(Turns to someone in the audience)
Jeremy:You got a Jag? Who here's got a Jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!
(Audience laughs)
Richard: Yup, he's a Jag driver.
Jeremy: He goes away with a sort of girl for a weekend, and then goes... �Awfully sorry...��
Richard: ... bit of an issue with the wallet.
Jeremy: �Would you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the �Jaaaaag?��

[During the News, about forbidding people not interested in cars to drive]
Richard: If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Jeremy: No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
Richard: Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not--
Jeremy: You see?
Richard: I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.
Jeremy: There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.
[The audience laugh as Jeremy looks very matter-of-fact]
James: Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
Jeremy: If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.
James: [considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?

[During the news, about the car insurance]
Richard: Can I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...
Jeremy: Which they will if it's got a body kit on it. Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]
Richard: Alright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-
Jeremy: [interrupting] Oookayy! Okay...

[During the News, after concluding that throwing a G-Wiz electric car into a river would be safe for the fish]
James: I'm not convinced by that, though, because I think electricity is a mystery.
[Jeremy rolls his eyes and looks at the audience]
James: It is! No--I don't actually believe in it.
Jeremy: You don't believe in electricity?
James: No, nobody really understands it.
Jeremy: [Indicating James] What you are witnessing here is Asperger's made real.
James: [Confused] Is that what makes my wee smell funny?
Jeremy: No--! [He laughs]
James: [Laughing as well] Oh no, that's asparagus!

[During the news, discussing the Skoda Fabia Scout]
Richard: ...so presuming that it comes with a 10p piece, bit of string in the glove box, and it pitches up on your doorstep every year to ask for a pound to clean itself.
James: So I supposed that every summer it goes off and sort of stays in the countryside somewhere, and is... touched inappropriately.
[crowd laughs]
Jeremy: No, no James. [crowd continues laughing] No, no James. That's the Skoda Catholic Church.

[During the news, while commenting on the cheap car challenge]
James: I thought the best noise that ever came out of a car was the one coming out of the stereo of my seventeen-year-old Golf until you two touched it inappropriately.

[during the news]
Jeremy: As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
James: I did.
Jeremy: What?
James: I did.
Jeremy: You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
James: Yeah, I got her a power drill.
Richard: James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
James: Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
Jeremy: No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
James: Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Richard: Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Jeremy: Oho!
James: Hah!
Jeremy: Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Richard: Well, it is! It's just -
Jeremy: Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Richard: Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
Jeremy: However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Richard: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
James: Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Jeremy: Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
James: What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
Richard: Yep.
[more laughter]
Jeremy: No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"